Date #34: Yet Another Dinner Party

Yes, folks. Another dinner party.

Charlie had been busy with work for awhile, so he decided to make a return to the social scene in an elaborate style--

Meats, Meats, Meats.

ME: You're kidding, right?
CHARLIE: Yeah, I'm thinking of just going Italian.

Imagine my relief.

I didn't think twice about inviting Brian and Turner, especially since it would be Turner's first time meeting Charlie. Although it never occurred to me that Brian might want to bring a friend.

BRIAN: He knows not to say anything about you two dating. It's just that we don't get to spend a lot of time together because of work and stuff--
ME: Me and Charlie have the same problem.
BRIAN: So I was wondering--
ME: It's fine.
BRIAN: Really? It's fine?
ME: Yeah, it's fine.
BRIAN: Fine like 'I'm being mature even though I really don't want to be' fine, or fine like 'I'm really fine with it because I'm totally over him' fine.
ME: Fine like 'one of us needs to contract a disease so we can stop talking about trivial things like this' fine.
BRIAN: That works for me.

The NC was particularly crowded. Usually the place never has more than a few people in it, but on this day we had to run past three old ladies just to get our favorite table. Now I was wishing we had broken tradition just once and gone someplace else.

BRIAN: So, how's the celibacy thing going?
ME: Like a slow turtle, that's how it's going.
BRIAN: What do you mean?
ME: I don't know any more. Erasing the chore of even looking for sex has done this weird thing to my pscyhe.
BRIAN: Made it open to the possibility of doing more with your life?
ME: That and I'm pissed all the time.
BRIAN: It's just like when everybody on Seinfeld went celibate.
ME: You mean the 'Master of Your Domain' episode or the one where George couldn't have sex with his girlfriend because he thought she had mono?
BRIAN: No, I mean the one where Elaine got stpuid because she stopped having sex.
ME: That's the same one as--this is a conversation about nothing.
BRIAN: And we're talking about Seinfeld...ironic, no?
ME: I'll pay you a hundred dollars not to bring Connor to the dinner party.
BRIAN: Too late. I already texted him under the table.
ME: Fuck off.

When did I become such a swearer?

I showed up at Charlie's house early so I could help him steam the Broccoli--and no, that is not a euphamism. He was being incredibly sweet about my celibacy.

CHARLIE: Can we boink yet or are you still being a girl?
ME: Chop your celery, Bitterella.

I kissed him on the cheek and went upstairs to change.

Tommy was the first to arrive. He brought his new fling, this little Drinkie Gay (Twink + Drugs = Drink, or Drinkie) named Stefan.

Stefan is the type of gay guy who'll fit into a handbag--as long as its a hot satchel.

He was wearing sunglasses--in the house--and a t-shirt that said 'Miss Me?'

ME: Miss you? I just met you.
STEFAN: Huh?
ME: Your shirt.
STEFAN: What about it?
ME: It says 'Miss Me?' So I said 'Miss you? I just met you!'
STEFAN: Okay...

At this, he walked away, and I whispered to Tommy--

ME: Picked another English major, have we?
TOMMY: Fuck off.

Boy, it's catching on.

Turner was the next to arrive with his date, Zachary. For some reason, Zachary seemed really nervous to be there.

TURNER: He's not exactly...out.
ME: Excuse me?
TURNER: He's not out--not yet, anyway.
ME: You brought a closet case to the dinner party?
TURNER: And strawberry cheesecake from C-Factory.
ME: You're forgiven. Go on in.

About the time my hair sweated out the hair gel I'd put in it, Brian showed up with Connor. We shared that awkward 'This is awkward but we're trying not to make it awkward' moment at the door and then proceeded into the dining room.

CONNOR: You look good.
ME: Thank you.
CONNOR: Do you hate me?
ME: I wouldn't say hate.
CONNOR: What would you say?
ME: I'd say let's be WASP's tonight and pretend our lives aren't that screwed up, okay?
CONNOR: Fine by me.

And so we all sat down to a lovely dinner. Surprisingly enough, everything was going really well, up until we were all ready for dessert, and then Stefan--who had been looking over at Zach all night--said:

STEFAN: Didn't you go to my high school?

Now, this is a seemingly normal question that shouldn't illicit that dramatic of a response. But when you're a closeted guy in his early twenties who--I found out later from Turner--has a Greek Orthodox father, and who--I found out from Brian--even coaches youth football, you might freak out a little.

Except Zach didn't freak out a little.

Zack went nuclear faster than KJ Ill on a warm summer's day.

ZACH: I told you! I told you!

He stood up and began yelling at Turner.

ZACH: I told you I didn't want to come here! I told you somebody would recognize me! A couple of people, yeah, a couple of people aren't going to make a difference. What are the odds that someone there wil know you? It's just a few of my friends. Don't worry about it. You'll be fine. Nobody will say anything to you. You don't even have to make conversation if you don't want to. You're not going to run into anyone you know! I told you so! Didn't I tell you so? I told you so!

With this, he got up and left the table.

TOMMY: Wow, those mashed potatoes were amazing.

Turner went to go get Zach and calm him down. I went for the strawberry cheesecake since...Well, I wanted strawberry cheesecake.

CHARLIE: So Brian, how long have you and Connor been dating?

This is why they need to find a way to put drugs in cheesecakes.

BRIAN: Just a little while.
CONNOR: Yeah, but we're already in really deep.

It was then that I felt my teeth begin to itch.

TOMMY: In really deep? What's that mean?
STEFAN: Yeah, is that like a--
CONNOR: We just have really strong feelings for each other.
BRIAN: Well, I mean, we're still getting to know each other.

Brian was clearly trying to spare my feelings.

CONNOR: Yeah, but sometimes you just click.

And Connor was clearly not trying to spare my feelings.

CONNOR: The amazing thing about Brian is that he's so sure he wants to be with me.
BRIAN: He's also sitting right next to you. You don't have to use third person.
CONNOR: Why are you getting all touchy?
TOMMY: Maybe Brian doesn't do the sappy thing well.
BRIAN: That's not true.
CONNOR: He's incredibly romantic. The first time we made love, we both cried afterwards, and then he read poetry to me.

Hang on, anyone else need to throw up?

STEFAN: That's amazing.
TOMMY: His or someone else's?
BRIAN: Mine. I dabble in poetry.
TOMMY: I guess that's not all you dabble in.
BRIAN: I'm not very good.
CHARLIE: Brian, I'm sure you're great. I'd like to read some.
BRIAN: Well, it's personal.
CONNOR: You wouldn't believe the kinds of things we share with each other. Things I've never shared with anyone else before.

Jab, jab, jib-a-jab.

CHARLIE: Kevin, you plan on feeding a crowd of eighty with that cheesecake?

It was then I realized I had started to cut into the cheesecake when Connor started his little love monologue and now it was sliced into about one hundred tiny little slivers. Apparently, I hadn't wanted to let go of the knife so soon.

ME: I think I need to use the bathroom.

I made for the stairs.

CHARLIE: Babe, why don't you use the one down here?
ME: Because I might need to scream into a towel.
CHARLIE: I don't get it.
ME: Don't worry the right people do.

I ended up just sitting on the edge of the sink staring at the wall and waiting to see if my anger would ever subside. It was then that there was a knock on the door.

ME: Go away, Connor.

The door opened--because like a true jackass I had actually wanted him to come up so I could confront him; erego I left it unlocked--and Connor came in.

CONNOR: How did you know it was going to be me?
ME: Because Brian and Charlie know me well enough to leave me along when I'm angry
CONNOR: Will I make you angrier if I say I don't think you have a reason to be angry?
ME: Well, you won't be making me feel better.
CONNOR: Kevin, I'm at a dinner party at your boyfriend's house--
ME: Charlie is not my boyfriend. We're just seeing each other.
CONNOR: Doesn't seem that way to me.
ME: Well, that's what it is. By the way, what happened to the guy who answered your phone a couple of weeks ago?
CONNOR: That didn't work out.
ME: Aww, you should have told me. I would have sent a condolence card.
CONNOR: Don't be glib.
ME: Don't be an ass.
CONNOR: I wanted to be with you. You blew me off.
ME: Bullshit! You were impatient, and when you didn't get what you want when you wanted it, the spoiled brat in you kicked in and you took off, and now you're dating my friend just to get back at me like some immature junior high cheerleader!
CONNOR: Fuck you!
ME: Fuck you!

Again with the swearing, I apologize for those of you who are Greek Orthodox.

I stormed out of the bathroom only to find Brian on the stairs.

BRIAN: So, you think he' s dating me just to get back at you?
ME: Brian--
BRIAN: Give yourself a little more credit, Kevin.

With that, he walked away. Connor brushed past me and followed after him.

When I got back downstairs, Charlie was eating cheesecake at the table alone.

ME: Where are Tommy and Stefan?
CHARLIE: In the bathroom. They didn't know where the safezones were.
ME: You could hear--
CHARLIE: Everything.
ME: You know my voice projects no matter what I do. I hope to one day play arenas.
CHARLIE: Wow, you can joke through everything, can't you?
ME: Almost everything.
CHARLIE: Why didn't you tell me?
ME: Tell you what?
CHARLIE: Take our pick.
ME: I'm sorry.
CHARLIE: Yeah, that might not start cutting it yet.
ME: When will it...start...cutting it?
CHARLIE: Maybe when we're no longer 'just seeing each other.'

Ohhh....Hold the phone, AT&T.

ME: You're well-aware--

Charlie held up his hand.

CHARLIE: Yes, I'm well-aware that we agreed we could both see other people. I'm well-aware that you're not ready to make a committment right now. I'm also well-aware that just about every gay guy in this country can't hold down a serious relationship for more than five seconds, and for that matter, neither can the straight guys. I'm well-aware that you and I get along great, and have a lot in common, and make each other laugh, and enjoy spending time together--and I'm well-aware that that's not good enough for you. I'm well-aware that I've been patient, and understanding, and--I would hope you would agree--pretty much okay with everything that you've thrown at me so far. So what I'm going to ask you is, are you well-aware that dragging your ex-baggage into my upstairs bathroom and then tossing me off as someone you're 'just seeing' might have been a little bit, oh I don't know, disrespectful?

Hang on while I shrink down to about half an inch.

ME: Like I said...I'm sorry.

I know, it's lame!

I come from a family where apologizing means you've lost the battle, so the concept of something beyond 'sorry' is just something I can't grasp right now.

CHARLIE: I'll clean up later. I think I just want to hang out by myself tonight.

AKA Get the hell out of my kitchen, you hussy.

ME: Okay.

And with that, I left.

On the way home, I felt like the jerk of the moment. The guy everybody's hating for one reason or another. Worse than that, I felt like I deserved it. I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong with playing the field, but maybe playing with people's emotions is getting to be a little too much for me.

FRIEND: Don't hate the playa, hate the game.
ME: That's the thing. I never wanted to even play the game.
FRIEND: Speaking of games, did that closet case have a lacrosse player's build? Because I think I might know him.
ME: My world is falling apart.
FRIEND: Okay, so we're going to put the closet case back in the closet.
ME: I'm not trying to be all whiney--Me, Me, Me.
FRIEND: I'll give you five seconds.
ME: Me, me, me! Why does my life suck? Why don't people love me no matter what I do? Starving children in Africa don't have it as bad as me! Ahhhh!
FRIEND: See, didn't that feel better?
ME: God, now I know how you feel all the time.

When I got home I had an instant message on my computer.

Don't want to leave things like they are. Can we hang out tomorrow night?

I clicked 'Reply' and said...

Yes.