Date #31: IQ

First of all, you have to admit that "smart" is a relative term.

I've been able to recite the entire script of The Goonies since I was eight years old. I know most state capitals. I can beat at least one out of the three Ivy league students every time they have College Jepoardy. So, in general, I consider myself a relatively smart person.

Still, there are times when I amaze myself with the dumb decisions I make.

For example:

Upon finding out that my good friend, Brian, and one of my ex-potentials, Connor, had been seeing each other behind my back, I didn't make what you'd call "a smart decision."

Hi, this is Connor. Leave your message at the tone, and I'll get back to you.

ME: Hi Connor, this is Kevin. You're a shady motherf**ker and I hope you catch fungus from riding that stupid boat of yours. I hope you and Brian have lots of fun picnics together where you eat spinach, or arugala, or whatever food it is that's giving people stomach viruses nowadays. Thank you for taking all the great memories I had with you and turning them into bitter reminders of how dumb I was. Have a nice night.

But wait, it gets better.

Hi, this is Connor. Leave your message at the tone, and I'll get back to you.

ME: P.S. I want that fortune cookie slip I gave you back--the one that said 'You will find someone perfect for you.' You won't. So I want it back. Thanks.

Granted, I wouldn't consider that one of my finer moments in life.

I was still fuming the next day at the mall with Turner.

TURNER: Do you think maybe they kept it from you because they knew you'd be upset?
ME: So the solution was to lie to me until there was nothing I could do and then tell me and let me get upset?
TURNER: Nothing you could do? What does that mean? Why should you have been able to do something?
ME: Why are you taking their side?
TURNER: I'm not taking anyone's side. Don't start arguing with me, babycakes. I'm just trying to smooth things over.
ME: I don't want to smooth things over. I want things to stay rough. I like rough. Rough makes me happy.
TURNER: Suit yourself.
ME: Just help me find a decent pair of pants for tonight.
TURNER: What's tonight?
ME: I'm going on a date.
TURNER: Are you sure you're in the right frame of mind for a date?
ME: I'm pissed, insecure, and feeling violent--what better frame of mind could there be?

My date was with a guy named Will. I met him during high school. We went on one date, and then he moved to New Hampshire for college, but he'd recently called to let me know that he'd moved back home after graduation and would love to get together with me.

I wasn't altogether sure I wanted to add any more crazy into the cake mix, but I promised I'd follow through on this little experiment of mine, and since a good date usually buoys my spirits I called him last night after leaving the messages of death on Connor's machine.

Will and I met up at a great little place on Federal Hill. Being the quintessential Italian--a quality I happy to love in a man--Will picked the place, ordered the two most expensive meals on the menu for both of us, and then made it clear he intended to pay so I should just enjoy my food and not worry about it.

You have to love a guy like that.

Then we got around to talking.

ME: I just thought the whole thing was so redundant.
WILL: Huh?
ME: Just, you know, the same thing over and over again.
WILL: Oh...Why didn't you just say that?
ME: I...I did.
WILL: Sorry. I'm not an English major.

Normally that would strike me as a little bitchy, but Will said it with a smile, and I could tell he was just trying to make light of the fact that he didn't know what 'redundant' meant.

Hey, not everyone has a useless college degree.

Then a little further on in the convo...

ME: The movie was amazing. I can't get over how good the cinematography was.
WILL: I kind of just like action movies.
ME: Oh yeah. Me too. I like all kinds of movies.
WILL: I mostly stick to action. Oh, but did you see Jackass Two?
ME: Um...no. Didn't catch that. I heard it was really good though if you think about the homo-erotic angles and--
WILL: The things they stick up their ass man; it's insane.
ME: Yeah, I'm guessing that's one of the homo-erotic angles.
WILL: You're not one of those guys who has to dissect and analyze everything, are you?

I think any other answer but me flying a plane over his head carrying a banner saying 'Yes!!!' would be dishonest.

ME: I guess you could say that.
WILL: I'm more, like...I think with my gut.
ME: I'm pretty sure that's impossible.
WILL: Why?
ME: Well...never mind.
WILL: I just use my instincts more. Not as much thinking about stuff.
ME: So you're more visceral.
WILL: Huh?
ME: Exactly.

I should have asked him if he pushes his car with his bare feet.

Still, he did pick up the check, and for the rest of the night we managed to have a good time--possibly because I avoided using any word that had more than three syllables in it. Anytime Will talked, it was either about how much his job "sucks, most of the time" or how his ex-boyfriend is so "friggin' stupid."

After I got back to my apartment, I was pretty sure I wouldn't be calling Will again, not because he was a jerk, as that was not the case, but because of his lack of...well...intellect.

And that made me wonder--

Is it okay to make being "smart" a preference?

FRIEND: Honey, what have I told you time after time?
ME: Stupid guys do it better.
FRIEND: Bingo.
ME: But I'm not looking to just do it. The point of this was to find a relationship.
FRIEND: Let me present you with an analogy. Men are like puppies--
ME: This is already a simile.
FRIEND: Go for the ride, smarty pants. Your homework will be waiting for you when you get back.
ME: Fine, continue.
FRIEND: When you get a puppy, you get a dumb puppy. Because a dumb puppy will wait for you the entire time you're gone, and when you get back he's like 'Where did you go? Feed me. I love you. Look where I pooped.' A smart puppy starts chewing on your furniture, sipping your cognac, and screwing your best friend.
ME: Let's avoid the screwing the best friend part, okay?
FRIEND: Point is. Pick the dumb puppy.
ME: And what about things like conversation and intellectucal stimulation?
FRIEND: Boy, the only stimulating I need done can be handled with less than an eighth grade education. And by the way, why are you calling me now? Don't I usually get a call once the issue is resolved and the moral's been learned?
ME: Unfortunately, I had to move you up in the story since another one of my friends is no longer available to me.
FRIEND: That's so sweet. Do I get his speed dial number too?

By this time, I already had three unchecked voice messages on my phone from Brian, and one from Connor. I finally broke down and called the latter.

Hi, this is Connor. Leave your message at the tone, and I'll get back to you.

ME: Hi, it's me. I'm sorry for what I said. It was stupid and unfair. I hope everything goes well with you and Brian. I'm talking quickly before my stupid stubborn brain realizes I'm apologizing. Have a good night.

Before I could contemplate whether I was ready to call Brian or not, he saved me the trouble by calling himself.

BRIAN: Hi.
ME: Hi.
BRIAN: I'm a dick.
ME: Yes, you are.
BRIAN: But I didn't know what to do.
ME: You could have told me.
BRIAN: It's not always easy to tell you things.
ME: I'm aware.
BRIAN: So I made a stupid decision.
ME: That's the thing. I don't think it was a stupid decision. I think it was a smart decision at the time, that became a stupid decision when it blew up in your face.
BRIAN: That's a possibility.
ME: Well, I make those kinds of decisions on a daily basis, so I probably should have cut you more slack.
BRIAN: Thank you.
ME: Do you really love him?
BRIAN: I really think I do.
ME: And the other boys? Peter, Chef--
BRIAN: Over and done with--for good.
ME: Okay then.
BRIAN: So...
ME: So...
BRIAN: I don't want to lose you.
ME: I don't want to lose you either. Nordstrom's Cafe sucks when you're eating by yourself. The housewives shoot you pitying glances.
BRIAN: (Laughed, then--) I'll stop it if it'll be easier for you.
ME: No, you won't. You're just saying that cause you trust me enough to not be an ass and tell you that's not necessary.
BRIAN: Pretty much, yeah.
ME: Well...Do what you want; I'll deal.
BRIAN: You'll deal?
ME: I'll deal.

It always amazes me when smart people act foolishly, or when anyone acts foolishly for that matter. Maybe it's because it frustrates me, and maybe it's because it's so incredibly human you kind of marvel at that--

At seeing someone so human.

And it's kind of scary.

But you deal.