Date #25: Ultimatum (Pts. 1 and 2)

I knew it would come to this.

At a recent dinner with Connor, I looked up from my penne to realize he was going to drop the "U" bomb--

Ultimatum.

CONNOR: I just really feel that it's time we made something out of this.

Like what? A spice rack?

ME: Connor, why can't 'this' just be 'this' for a little while longer?
CONNOR: Kevin, I'm not as young as you are, okay?
ME: You're four years older than me!
CONNOR: Some people would say that's a lot.
ME: Then have those people talk to Hef.
CONNOR: Look, there's a lot of goals I want to accomplish in my life before I turn 30, and one of them is starting a family.

Oh Christ...

ME: I want a family, too. But I've been looking forward to my 20's since I was 7, and I'm not going to give them away to domesticity.
CONNOR: How are you so sure that you're even going to live to the end of your 20's.
ME: I'm sorry, is this where I file the restraining order? Cause you just went creepy on me.
CONNOR: I'm just not one for putting things off, okay?
ME: So this is one of those 'No day but today' things?
CONNOR: I guess you could say that.
ME: Well I believe that living for today often means wasting a tomorrow.
CONNOR: Kevin, the last thing I want to do is waste a tomorrow.

God, how did things end up getting so poetic?

Whenever I'm faced with any kind of stress, I either do one of two things. I eat Ben & Jerry's ice cream or I watch Bravo for hours on end.

Cut to me two hours after dinner eating Marsha Marsha Marshmallow and watching Million Dollar Listing. I even called Brian for emotional support.

BRIAN: If you're calling for emotional support, I'm going to be completely worthless to you.
ME: Nordstrom's tomorrow for a rehash?
BRIAN: You're on.

In the meantime, I needed to get out of my apartment. Unfortunately, nights in Providence are never filled with that much activity. I ended up stopping at a club just to be surrounded with loud music and rampant homosexuality.

It was while standing there, not drinking, and taking in the atmosphere that I realized--I really don't want to be here.

And I didn't just mean at that particular club. I meant in any club, bored, and staunchly resisting committing myself to a happy life.

You ever just have one of those moments where you step back from yourself and go "Screw this"?

Yeah, that was my moment.

I informed Brian of my epiphany the following day at the Cafe.

ME: ...So I left the club and now I'm a new man.
BRIAN: Bullshit.
ME: What do you mean 'bullshit'?
BRIAN: Nobody just changes in a split second like that. It's not like you went on Oprah.
ME: I don't need Oprah to change my life!
BRIAN: Have you told Charlie about your decision to commit to Connor?
ME: No, but I plan on doing that today.
BRIAN: Looking forward to it?
ME: Like a gym class in high school.

I was actually going to be meeting Charlie at the bookstore downstairs as soon as lunch with Brian was done. He was waiting for me in the coffee shop--and had even bought me an Oreo concoction. This was not going to be easy.

We started talking and I found myself drifting off as I was looking at him. He's cute, sweet, funny, and he treats me with an enormous amount of kindness and respect, but then again, I could say the same thing for Connor. It was either the caffeine in the Oreo Splash or my nerves, but Charlie could tell something was wrong. When he asked, all I could manage to get out was--

ME: I'm not sure what I want right now.
CHARLIE: So you're saying you don't want to keep seeing me?
ME: No, I'm saying I don't know if I can commit to you right now.
CHARLIE: Well...that's okay.
ME: But eventually it's not going to be okay.
CHARLIE: No, it really will be.
(Pause.)
ME: Are you serious?
CHARLIE: Yeah. I mean, I don't need a guy to complete my life. It would be nice having someone to share stuff with and everything, and it would be even nicer if that person was you, but I'm not biting my fingernails off until it happens.

I looked down at my fingernails and felt ashamed.

CHARLIE: I like how things are now. There's no need to rush anything. We haven't even known each other six months yet.

And suddenly, another epiphany.

I called Connor that night to explain to him that I just wasn't ready to settle down yet, and that even though one day I would be completely able to--

VOICE: Hello?
ME: Hi, is Connor there?
VOICE: Uh...no. Who's this?
ME: This is Kevin.
VOICE: Kevin who?
ME: Who is this?
VOICE: Um, this is his boyfriend.
ME: Very funny. Is he there?
VOICE: I'm not trying to be funny.
ME: He doesn't have a boyfriend.
VOICE: As of this afternoon he did. You must have been the guy who took too long to make up your mind. Later.

Click.

Connor called back several times that evening, but I didn't answer. When I finally checked my voicemail there was something on there about him deciding that he wanted a guy who would blah blah blah and so he was with Mr. Voice and maybe it would be better if we didn't see each other for a little while until he could figure out this new relationship and that after that we should definitely be friends.

FRIEND: Fuck that noise.
ME: It's okay. After all, I was going to decide to pass him up.
FRIEND: Still, who knew he had a boy on the side?
ME: In fairness, I did too.
FRIEND: Are you trying not to scream out obscenities?
ME: With all my might. I mean, I was basically going to do to Charlie what Connor did to me, but somehow it all just seems--
FRIEND: It seems like when what you were going to do is reflected back on you--
ME: I'm really glad I didn't do it.
FRIEND: I still think you should leave a bag of semen on his front door.
ME: Where the hell would I get a bag of semen?
FRIEND: Just be there tomorrow when the FedEx guy shows up.

The thing I dislike the most about dating is that you can get along with someone really well, but if all they're looking for is a match, then you run the risk of losing them. It's funny how when you look back on your life--even one that's only consisted of a few years of dating--you remember so many great people who just fell by the wayside because a relationship wasn't in the cards. Because the hardest thing to get over is disappointment.

On a lighter note, I just saw the FedEx truck pull up. Does anyone know of a nearby sperm bank?