Date #15: The Compromise

"You realize you've turned my life into a soap opera."

I was sitting with Connor in the living room of my apartment listing the grievances I have with him showing up at an ungodly hour to profess his willingness to explore our chances at meaningful--

Oh whatever, he showed up wanting sex.

Apparently he was more than a little drunk, and way more sexually frustrated than I would imagine any guy who looks like him should be.

His actions were most likely going to have several negative effects:

1) It puts the believeability of this blog in jepoardy, since who the hell would believe anyone would do something that romantic/crazy/out-of-the-blue?

2) It gave a bad ending to the seeming perfect (albeit odd) 24-hour date with Charlie.

3) It put my self-control to the test.

I was trying to explain to Connor why it was best that we take things slow.

AKA

I met someone else who might be less crazy than you are, if not as cute, and I can't throw that away until you smarten up a little; otherwise I'll be left with nobody.

Connor responded by sliding his hand down my pants.

The phone rang--of course--I picked it up.

CHARLIE: Hey I got almost all the way home and realized you left your wallet in my car.
ME: My wallet?
CHARLIE: Yeah, remember you put it on the dashboard when we were comparing license photos.
ME: Oh...
CHARLIE: I can come bring it back to you now. It's no trouble.

Silent Scream...

Oh screw it--Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

I successfully convinced Charlie that I could grab the wallet from him the following day, and then maybe after that we could take in a movie. This was while Connor was moving to grab Special-K. I got off the phone and Connor pulled me on top of him.

CONNOR: I'm stronger than you.
ME: In more ways than one.
CONNOR: Just relax.
ME: I can't do this. I just came back from a hook-up. I can't be this slutty.
CONNOR: It doesn't make you a slut. It makes you a normal guy with a healthy sex life.
ME: Doesn't it bother you that I just spent an entire day with someone else?
CONNOR: I'm not the jealous type.
ME: Connor, I can't have meaningless sex with two cute guys in less than forty-eight hours. I'm not Nicole Ritchie!

We settled on cuddling/making out in our underwear.

Hey, life is all about compromise.

I had to cut short plans for a second date with Charlie when I realized I had made plans with Brian to go on a double date.

Normally, I hate group dates of any kind. I think it's the stuff of middle-school days, and how are you supposed to have some of those nice quiet moments with someone if there's five other people around?

But I had never actually been on strictly a double date before, so I thought--why not?

It was sort of odd going with Brian, since he and I had only been on a date a month ago, but since the Scooter/Army Guy incident at his place, we'd become semi-friends. I've now discovered that Brian is terrified of dating.

BRIAN: I'm afraid I'll say something stupid.
ME: Why would you do that?
BRIAN: Cause I say stupid things around cute people.
ME: You never said anything stupid on our date.

...Silence...

ME: I'm going to assume the line's gone dead.

The date was with two best friends--John and Ricky. We all went to the mall and, like true gays, perused the different clothing stores. Ricky and I were getting along pretty well, but definitely not clicking in that special kind of date way. John and Brian were doing better, which made me glad. It was good to see him bouncing back from the Army Guy let-down. Whenever I started to get upset that all I was going to get out of this was a potential friend in Ricky--and maybe in John--I would get a text from either Connor or Charlie and remember that my life has been nothing if not overblessed the last week or so.

We went back to Brian's apartment after leaving the mall. All of us were sitting in the living room watching television when Ricky pulled me into the kitchen to talk.

RICKY: So, I have a question.
ME: Shoot.
RICKY: Would you mind if I asked Brian out?
ME: Huh?
RICKY: I'm just really into him. I mean, you're really cute. But he and I have a lot in common. I really think we could be a really good match.
ME: But how do you think John's going to take that?
RICKY: I'm going to talk to him about it. I just wanted to ask you first.

Hey, give him points for being polite. I told him it was fine, and we went back into the living room where he promptly took John into the kitchen and I gave Brian the run-down.

BRIAN: But I don't like Ricky! I like John!
ME: So just stick with John then. I doubt he'll go for letting Ricky have you anyway.
BRIAN: Yeah, but now things are going to be awkward.
ME: Just bask in the men who desire you, buddy.
BRIAN: Be serious!
ME: Sorry, I think I'm taking on the role of 'witty friend.'

John and Ricky came back in, and Ricky asked to see me in the kitchen again.

This was turning into an episode of Frasier.

RICKY: So John and I figured everything out.
ME: He doesn't mind that you're going to ask Brian out?
RICKY: Not exactly.
ME: What do you mean?
RICKY: He likes Brian a lot, but he likes you too.
ME: Uh...okay.
RICKY: And like I said, I think you're kind of cute.
ME: Uh...okay.
RICKY: So we just figured out a compromise.

Oh Christ...

We went back in the living room to find Brian and John making out. I looked at Ricky to see if he would be upset, but he only smiled and looked at me as if to say--

This was all part of the deal, my friend. Now strip to your skivvies and let's do the many-handed fandango.

I pulled Brian away from John and brought him into--where else--the kitchen. I explained the 'compromise' to Brian. He was horrified of course--

BRIAN: That's awesome!
ME: Are you kidding?
BRIAN: Come on, how often do you get to do stuff with two cute guys?
ME: I just did--in two days no less!

Okay, I've brought it up a lot now, but whatever, how often do I get to brag?

BRIAN: I mean at once!
ME: I can't have sex with one guy, make out witih another in my underwear, and then have group sex all in two days! I'm not a Pussycat Doll!
BRIAN: Just calm down.
ME: Aren't you supposed to be all jittery? I thought this would make you nervous!
BRIAN: No, I'm only nervous when I think people won't like me. This is exactly the opposite.
ME: They want me to be there too!
BRIAN: So?
ME: You're not even attracted to me!
BRIAN: I think you're okay.
ME: Gee, thanks.
BRIAN: Well, it's not like you'll be the only one there.

He might as well have said--

"I'll eat mashed potatos if you put some hot gay naked gravy on them."

At this point, Scooter walked into the kitchen. When we told him there might be a four-way in his living room he immediately begged to be included until Brian ordered him back into his room with threats of telling every one of Scooter's boytoys that he's a bedwetter.

ME: Is he?
BRIAN: Why not? He still sleeps on Ninja Turtle bedsheets.

Brian and I went back into the living room where John and Ricky had positioned themselves on either side of the couch. I sat next to Ricky, and Brian sat down next to John. We made polite chitchat for a bit.

Then John grabbed Brian and started sucking on his neck.

It was pretty much chaos from then on.

Ricky and I kissed. Brian put his hand under John's shirt. I waited for God's lighting to hit us all since we were now most certainly a replica of Sodom before the fall.

But you, my astute readers, probably already know what problems lay ahead.

Let's review.

- Ricky likes Brian, and thinks I'm 'kind of cute.'
- Brian likes John, doesn't like Ricky, and thinks I'm 'okay.'
- John thinks both me and Brian are cute, and is only friends with Ricky although one might assume the two of them have done this before at some point since they came to their plan after about three minutes of deliberation.
- I think this entire thing is going to end in disaster and I currently have Ricky's tongue in my mouth.

Pretty soon, we looked like a gay Rubik's cube. Ricky was trying to get to Brian, Brian was trying to put John between him and Ricky, John was just grabbing at whatever he could, and I somehow got bumped off to the side.

After a minute or so of this, we all just sort of sat back and looked at each other the way a group of boys will after a spur-of-the-moment fistfight.

We were all kind of ashamed of ourselves and also really turned on, but clearly, going nowhere.

I decided to break from the group and go somewhere I could cool down.

Knock Knock

SCOOTER: Three men can't do the job of one Scooter, huh?
ME: Yeah, something like that.

I hung out with Scooter in his room for a little while. He played some video game while I checked my mail on his laptop. After awhile Brian appeared.

He informed me that they left looking pretty sheepish. He conceded that the four-way attempt was probably a bad idea, but he also confessed that he was going to try going out with Ricky sometime later in the week.

ME: Why?
BRIAN: (Shrugs.) Why not?

That should be the dating mantra of the gay community--Why not?

ME: Maybe four people was just too many. I mean, three-ways are supposed to be difficult enough, so four-ways--
FRIEND: Please, try a seven-way then come back and whine to me.
ME: Somehow I knew you were the wrong person to have this conversation with, you know that?
FRIEND: You all just needed better planning.
ME: Isn't the point of something like that the spontaneity of it?
FRIEND: Are you kidding? I would have diagrammed that whole thing out hours beforehand.
ME: Well, I think this pretty much kills me and Brian's newly minted friendship.
FRIEND: Relax. Nothing brings people closer together than almost screwing.

...That and Hallmark cards.

I need to go call Charlie back. After this little debacle, I think I'm going to need a nice, mellow second date.

After all, I'd now dealt with sex, cuddling, a failed four-way, and Scooter.

Give me a break, I'm not Carmen Electra.