Date #13: Scooter's Return

Since I've posted the entry that ended with me asking Scooter out on a date I've gotten the following responses:

- Did you really do that?
- Why would you do that?
- Didn't you say he looked like Jim Belushi?
- Bitch, you crazy!

First off, he reminded me of Jim Belushi; he doesn't look like him.

Secondly, to be honest, I was curious.

And even though I was sort of breaking my own rule about not going out with someone who I think I won't have a future with, I figured I was owed a little break after the prospect of Connor fell apart on me.

a.k.a.

DON'T JUDGE ME.

So we went to the batting cage where Scooter demonstrated how straight-acting he is by missing every single ball that came at him. His arms may be huge, but he has no idea how to use them. We then played mini-golf--I kicked his ass, and as one of my friends says--'Just so we're clear'--I suck at mini-golf. Losing to me at mini-golf is like losing a track race to a guy with no legs.

After his ass was walloped at the 18th hole, he asked if I wanted to go back to his place.

I recently had someone ask me why I always end up back at the guy's places on these dates, or why they end up back at mine--here's the deal:

I live in RI--where everything closes at 9pm. If you want a date to go past 9pm--as I do, if only so that I don't have to be home at 9:30pm feeling like a grandparent--then you learn to hang out at people's places.

Still, I didn't want to give Scooter the wrong idea.

ME: You do know we're not having sex, right?
SCOOTER: Sure, sure.
ME: Scooter, I just kicked your ass in mini-golf. There's no chance we're having sex. Mini-golf is the wimpiest sport in the world and you just lost to me, so I can't imagine you'd be all that good in bed.
SCOOTER: So if I had won--
ME: Oh yeah, like rabbits on Viagra.

Yeah right. Moving on--

We go back to his place--also Brian's place--Brian being the guy I was on a date with when I met Scooter. He assured me Brian was out on a date himself, which made me feel slightly less shady for being out on a date with the roommate of a guy I just went out on a date with a short time ago.

...But not much.

So we're sitting there on Brian's couch watching Boyz in the Hood.

ME: What is with you and the ghetto flicks?
SCOOTER: What do you mean?
ME: The last time I was here you were watching Don't Be a Menace.
SCOOTER: Maybe it's just what I like.
ME: True. I just find it funny that you and--oh I don't know--Spike Lee--probably have the same taste in film.
SCOOTER: We can watch something else.
ME: Do you have Next Friday?

Amazingly, he did.

But we just ended up watching televison instead.

At some point, he looked over at me and said--

SCOOTER: I bet I could benchpress you.
ME: Okay...
SCOOTER: You want to see if I can?
ME: Uh...
SCOOTER: We don't--
ME: YES!

C'mon, are you all that surprised?

He laid down on the floor, and instructed me to stand above him, my feet to his feet--and then fall forward. Keep in mind, I have minor trust issues--and this guy can't even hit a ball in a batting cage--and I'm about to fall forward.

And I do...

...And Brian walks in...

...With Army Guy...

I fall on top of Scooter.

Let that scene sink into your psyche for a second.

Brian gave us an awkward "Hi Guys" and Army Guy pretended he didn't even know me--a strategy I found very intelligent. I got off Scooter, but not without him getting a little excited first--I could tell. The two of them retreated into Rich's room. It was then that a few things occurred to me:

1) Army Guy never called me back after our date (Granted, I didn't notice because I wanted nothing to do with him, but still)
2) Brian called back just to tell me he wasn't ready to be dating (Yet here he was on a date)
3) I strongly dislike when guys I've dated date each other (I find it incestuous)

This is when you see a part of me you don't like--

You've been warned.

ME: Hey Scooter, let's go in your room.

I swear to God he was on his bed and stretched out in the Playgirl position before I even got the sentence out of my mouth.

I closed the door behind me and asked if he had any music. He pointed to a stereo/CD collection on his desk.

Megadeth, Megadeth, Megadeth--

Oh Christ, I was on a date with Gene Simmons.

Randomly, I turned on the radio and "Promiscuous Girl" was playing.

Perfect.

I climbed up on the bed and straddled the mass that is Scooter.

ME: How'd you like a massage, Scoot?
SCOOTER: Oh--foreplay--I get it.

He flipped over and something about the back of his head told me he was smiling.

I started to give him a backrub--which ps, I'm amazing at. I have few talents, but backrubbing is definitely one of them. Pretty soon, Scooter was moaning.

Just like I wanted.

ME: Oh, you like that, huh Scootie?
SCOOTER: Mmhmm...
ME: That feels good?
SCOOTER: Oh yeah...

Pretty soon, I could hear sounds from the next room. It was a combo of lip smacking and turning over on a bed.

Okay, I thought, I'll turn up the heat--

I want you on my team
So does everybody else

ME: Oh Scooter, you feel so good.
SCOOTER: Huh?
ME: You're so muscular.
SCOOTER: Uh...thanks.
ME: OH YEAH, SCOOTER.

Promiscuous boy...

Scooter flipped over and looked up at me with a sort of...scowl. He accused me of trying to make Brian jealous by making it sound like we were having sex in here. Wow, he's not as dumb as I thought.

SCOOTER: Look, if that's all you're going for, fine. But you might as well get into it.
ME: Huh?

With that, he flipped me over onto my back, picked up my legs, wrapped them around his waist, and instructed me to press both my palms up against the headboard. Then he unleashed a--

SCOOTER: KEVIN, OH FUCK!

--And began hammering. Literally, hammering. He treated my body like it was a jackhammer. It was then that I realized having actual sex with Scooter would have probably killed me. My palms placed where they were happened to be the only thing separating my head from going through the wall and into whatever crazy sex act was happening between Army Guy and Brian. After about a minute of this, along with Scooter shouting out obscene things that I'm too embarrassed to write here--he stopped and fell on the bed next to me.

I thought I saw God at one point during the minute but it could have been the combination of my head accidentally hitting the headboard a few times and Nelly Furtado being a slut.

SCOOTER: See what you've been missing.

Uh, a concussion apparently. Who the hell actually has sex like that? I thought of filing a Missing Person's Report for Ying and Yang (See the Scooter entry.)

Then I heard the door to Brian's bedroom open, and I heard both the guys walk out into the living room. I heard the front door shut.

I guess our [simulated] monkey sex drove them away, I thought.

But then I heard Brian walk past Scooter's bedroom and into the bathroom at the end of the hallway and shut the door. For some reason, I wanted to check up on him.

I got up and went to the bathroom, and knocked lightly on the door.

BRIAN: Be out in a sec.

Oh wow, I heard the I've-just-been-crying voice.

ME: Brian, can I come in?
BRIAN: I said I'll be out in a sec.
ME: Yeah, but I want to make sure you're okay.
BRIAN: Why do you care?
ME: Cause I don't want you to be--
BRIAN: Just come in.

I walked into the bathroom to find Brian sitting in his bathtub with all his clothes on and red marks under his eyes where the tears obviously ran. I asked him what happened.

Apparently, he and Army Guy had gone on three dates. Tonight was going to be the night they sealed the deal, but then there was a break in the foreplay and Brian told Army Guy that he really liked him. I guess this freaked Army Guy out, because he told Brian he wasn't looking for 'anything serious' right now, and that maybe it was better if he left. I reminded Brian he had said essentially the same thing to me.

BRIAN: Fine, call it bad karma on my part.

I sat on the edge of the bathtub with him.
He was a cute guy.
He was a sweet guy.
He was very human and very vulnerable.
And tonight something Didn't Work Out.
Nights like that are hard.
I know, I've had a few.
And he asked...

He asked me why gay guys do this. Why we meet guys who would be great for us and turn them away, and then meet assholes and cling to them for dear life? He wanted to know why we chase instead of enjoy, why we hurt each other, why we're all pretty much 12-year-old girls, why we give ourselves over physically to someone and expect it to mean something when so often it rarely does--at least to the other person?

Okay, actually all he said was--'Why do we do this?'

But the 'we' made me think of everything else.

ME: Think of it this way, Brian. Straight people have been dating for hundreds of years. Maybe thousands, and they still can't get it right. We're actually doing okay considering we've only been able to do this with society's approval for about twenty years now--if that.

Okay, not the best philosophy, but it served the moment.

Then Scooter appeared--

SCOOTER: You guys up for a shower?

Brian and I looked at each other--and we laughed.

Cause sometimes you just have to laugh...at Scooter.

Then we all went into the kitchen and broke out the cheesecake like a bunch of fucking Golden Girls. They had that mixed platter they sell at the supermarket. I took all the plain kind and poured chocolate syrup on it. It was then I told Scooter and Brian about some of my adventures in dating--while keeping the blog itself a secret.

SCOOTER: Why don't you try hooking up with someone?
ME: Cause I want something significant.
SCOOTER: Well, looking for something significant hasn't led you to anything all that great. So maybe if you tried the opposite it might work out better for you.
BRIAN: He kind of has a point.
ME: Don't encourage him!
SCOOTER: Maybe you're afraid you won't be able to find someone to hook up with.
ME: Hey Scooter, you want to hook up?
SCOOTER: Hell yeah.
ME: Phew, glad that's settled.

But Scooter's suggestion had me thinking. Maybe trying something new was the way to go. Sometimes not expecting too much can end up getting you a lot. I consulted with an expert--

ME: Have you ever hooked up with someone and had it lead to more?
FRIEND: Like more sex?
ME: No, like something significant.
FRIEND: What's more significant than sex?
ME: A relationship.
FRIEND: If you wanted a relationship, then why would you hook up with someone? Once you hook up you've killed any chance at a relationship.
ME: Well maybe you end up really liking the person.
FRIEND: In that case, I usually walk them to the door.

Well, that settles that issue...or does it...

Since I've been addressing issues some of you have with this blog, a few of you have mentioned that you don't believe I never have sex with any of these guys, and I maintain that if I had sex with one of the dates I'd put it on here.

Well you know what, I'm going to put my money where my monkey is.

The next date I go on, I'm having sex. And the date is coming up shortly.

So stay tuned, kids...