Date #7: The Hag

Let's talk about hags.

I don't have one. I have girlfriends. Hot, smart, sexy, cool, funny, crazy, independent (keyword: INDEPENDENT) girlfriends who can live full and happy lives without attaching themselves to my left arm or preventing me from having a healthy social life.

The very concept of hags completely confuses me. I can see me calling a hag a hag because I hate them with a burning passion that is only matched by my feelings towards bad Rhode Island accents or Gay Republicans. But the fact that some women actually choose to refer to themselves as hags completely boggles my mind. Why would you associate yourself with a title like that? WHY, DEAR GOD, WHY?

That brings me to the date.

Brian, very cute, very funny, very nice. His hag, Amy? Run your nails up and down a chalkboard and that'll give you a good idea of her personality. She was bossy, obnoxious, snobbish, and grating on the nerves. All of this should have nothing to do with me, but she apparently invited herself along on the date.

That's right. This guy brings his hag on dates.

Okay, I told myself, he probably does this just in case he doesn't like the guy and that way he can just hang out more with his friend and avoid the fact that he's on an awful date. Fair enough. The problem? We clicked from the get-go and yet Amy was still on the front-burner.

She dominated most of the night by talking about her and Brian and their amazing relationship. Remember that show Boy Meets Boy on Bravo where that cute guy brought along his hideous girl pal to help him weed out guys? That was my night.

She asked about everything. Ex-boyfriends, likes, dislikes, political affiliations, how I did in school, future plans, etc. Now, if Brian were asking some of these questions I wouldn't mind. After all, I believe in full disclosure and since he and I were getting along so well most of this stuff would come up anyway, but why the hell was I telling it to his hag?

This was also the second time this week I heard a hag/gay guy couple refer to themselves as being "just like Will and Grace." Okay, ready? Not only have I never met a couple like Will and Grace, but I don't know why anyone would aspire to be like Will and Grace. Grace was neurotic, codependent, and self-absorbed and Will didn't get laid until season eight. Now, that's all fine and good for sitcom characters, but why would you want that for your own life?

I kept wanting to ask Amy--Do you get laid? Ever? Do you want to? Do you realize that your odds of meeting straight guys by hanging out with gay guys is pretty small? She took up a good chunk of every conversation complaining about how straight guys suck. I won her disapproval when I said--"Actually, I have a lot of straight guy friends."

She looked at me like I said I harbor Nazis in my basement.

HER: Well, they suck.
ME: I don't think they do.
HER: Straight guys don't know how to treat girls.
ME: I think they know how to treat girls they like.
HER: What's that supposed to mean?
BRIAN: Hey look, a billboard.
(Nice try, Bri. You brought the bitch, now I'm taking her out.)
ME: I just think that girls who complain about guys are just upset because guys don't like them.
HER: Well, yea-uh...
ME: But maybe if they didn't complain so much guys would.
HER: (Scoffs.) Whatever.

Brian and I got to have maybe three minutes of unsolicited conversation while Amy was in the bathroom, but that was it. He kept giving me the "I'm sorry, but please try to love her anyway" look. He and Amy split their meal at dinner. She picked the movie. Every time there was a dialogue between them she cut him off at every turn. It was clear that Brian was a subversive personality type that needed some kind of dominant force in his life. Now, there was a chance that Brian would find a guy who could overpower Amy and banish her from the kingdom, but that guy wasn't going to be me. I just didn't feel that should be part of my duties as a potential boyfriend--although I did secretly have fantasies about sending Amy a Christmas card with me and Brian on it and the inside cover reading--GET A MAN FOR CHRISTMAS, HO...HO HO.

FRIEND: What a sad existence.
ME: For who? Him or her?
FRIEND: I would consider them one entity.
ME: I couldn't even put my hand over his at the movies.
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: She sat between us.
FRIEND: See, that's why all my hags are utilized strictly for shopping and waxing.
ME: I don't even want to know.

Sidenote, Clean and Sober texted me last night. "I'm going through a really rough time. If you have any kindness, please call me." If there's one thing I would never want to be called, it's unkind. So I called.

ME: Listen, I just think you need to get yourself in a real program. You also should talk to your boyfriend and try to have him be a real support system for you.
HIM: Why don't you just come over here and we can fool around?

Click. Call me Mr. Unkind.