Date #6: Clean and Sober

The first thing I noticed was that he was smoking. That's a huge problem. I don't date smokers. Sorry if that rules you out, I know we all have our vices, but for someone who likes kissing as much as I do, smoking is a no-go. I used to be one of those people who's like "Oh yeah, I don't care, smoke if you want, I'm easy-going" but as more time passed I leaned more towards--"No smokers, nobody who owns pet rats, nobody with back hair, and nobody who could have potentially fathered me due to age."

And there he was smoking.

So right from the start, we weren't going anywhere fast.

I elected to get coffee at this place off Killingly that's really cute, very Mom-and-Pop. Look at me getting coffee like a real dater, I thought. He showed up looking pretty good, granted the smoking was a problem, but I thought maybe I could pull a My-Mom and wait until we were in serious relationship before I went changing everything about him that I didn't like. All in all, things were going fine.

Then he opened his mouth.

I would venture to guess that there are maybe three people on this earth capable of talking as fast as I do. This guy is one of them. Of course, I talk fast because I'm constantly hyper and have way too much running through my head. He was going through withdrawal.

HIM: Yeah, I don't do drugs or hardly drink at all.
ME: That's awesome.
HIM: Yup, I've been clean and sober 36 days.
ME: Clean and sober off what? Drugs? Alcohol?
HIM: Yup.
ME: Yup to what?
HIM: (Laughs.) Yup to anything.

Oh Christ...

He was shaking so badly I thought he was going to spill his chai on himself. I asked if he should be in rehab or something like that. He swore that going cold turkey was the only way for him, despite the statistics regarding how going cold turkey has a 0% success rate, especially for people who'd been using for awhile, as he had. Call me crazy, but I didn't have too much faith that he was going to beat the odds.

HIM: So you want to get out of here?
ME: I'm sorry?
HIM: We can go to my place, your place--
ME: I just met you!
(Plus you're crazy--subtext.)
HIM: I'm very direct. You're going to have to know that now.
ME: Hang on, let me get a pen. I need to jot that down.
HIM: You're funny. I like that. That's what's dangerous about you.
ME: That I'm funny?
HIM: No, that I'm going to fall for you.

Oh Christ...

ME: And that's dangerous because you shouldn't be in a relationship right now?
HIM: Hell no, it's dangerous because I already am in a relationship.

JIGGA WHO?

I wasn't surprised that he was seeing someone and on a date with me. Clearly, someone of his moral calliber might have trouble with "monogamy." What shocked me was that I have this blog to chronicle my failures in dating and this guy ALREADY HAS SOMEONE!

Clean and Sober Boy claims that his boyfriend doesn't show him enough affection. I was wondering why he hadn't showed him the door yet.

HIM: He treats me like I'm a trophy.

A trophy for what? Honorable Mention in a Three-Legged Race?

FRIEND: You always wind up with the weirdoes.
ME: I'm beginning to think weirdoes are the only ones interested in dating me.
FRIEND: What if he's like a crazy stalker?
ME: Well, he has called me three times today. I have him in my phone as "Hit Reject."
FRIEND: Uh oh.
ME: Don't worry. As soon as Day 42 rolls around, he's probably going to go into shock, suffer short-term memory loss and forget all about me.
FRIEND: Or you could just give me his address and we could send him a pound of coke in exchange for staying away from you.
ME: That'll work.

Hmm...maybe I could just call his sponsor.