Date #18: Under the Table

I don't drink.

All my friends are aware of this.

Members of my family have actually tried to get me to drink on several occasions--this includes my mother.

I'm sure when I die the first thing God will say to me is--

"You sure you don't want a cocktail?"

I just don't drink.

But I want to make it very clear that I have nothing against other people drinking.

That being said...

I almost called this date--

Date #18: A Date with a Lush.

After Charlie gained a sizeable lead in the Charlie vs. Connor Battle of the Boys, Connor made a surprise phone call that I thought might be him trying to make a comeback.

"Come have a drink with me."

Well, why not?

By the time I got to the bar, Connor was already having a pretty good time.

He was wearing a blue-button down shirt and black pants, but despite the somewhat formal attire, he was clearly letting his hair down.

Before I even got to say hi to him, I saw Connor down a shot, slap one of his friend's asses, and yodel.

That's right, yodel.

Still, I thought I should appreciate the opportunity to see him, since he hadn't called me in awhile. Having already seen him drunk, I thought I was well-prepared for a little tipsy debauchery.

Oh...so...wrong.

Just so we're clear, there are levels of drunk:

There's kinda buzzed.
Buzzed.
A little drunk.
Drunk.
Wasted.
And Connor.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Connor upon seeing me:

"You are cute, so...oh my god, my tummy. Woo!"

It was a little like a TRL request, but drunker.

Connor proceeded to drink even more while I tried to carry on a conversation with him.

ME: So maybe we could catch a movie sometime.
CONNOR: You don't like hanging out like this?
ME: I wouldn't call this hanging out.
CONNOR: What would you call it?
ME: Pledging a fraternity?
CONNOR: My hair is frizzin tonight, dude.

To make things even more enjoyable, Connor was at the bar with some of his delightful drunken girl pals--all of whom clearly wanted to have sex with him, and perhaps thought that if he was drunk it might be easier to get him in bed.

My favorite was his friend Amber.

FYI, nobody named Amber has ever amounted to anything; I'm pretty sure of this at least.

"Oh my God. Me and Connor are like...oh my God...like..."

Will and Grace, Amber?

"We're like Will and Grace!"

Thought so.

She then proceeded to stick her hand down Connor's pants. I think he thought it was my hand, because he grabbed me and attempted to make out with me. I say "make out," but in reality, it was more like a bird feeding its young minus the dead worms.

So there I was, Connor's tongue in my mouth and Amber's hand down his pants.

And I thought...Is this really my life?

Then Connor leaned back and said:

"I think I'm going to puke."

And he did...granted, he waited till he made it to the bathroom.

For the next hour.

This was when I called Brian to see how his date with Peter went.

BRIAN: It was disappointing.
ME: How so?
BRIAN: Well, would you judge me if I told you we had sex on the first date?
ME: Yes, but continue.
BRIAN: Okay, so we had sex...and...it was...
ME: Not good?
BRIAN: No, it was good, but...
ME: But what?
BRIAN: He's a stripper.
ME: Yeah, and?
BRIAN: It wasn't like having sex with a stripper.
ME: Did he forget to bring the pole?
BRIAN: You know what I mean. It was just average.
ME: I'm sorry to hear that. Call me back when he almost pukes on you.

When Connor was done throwing up, I carried him back to my car when I sat him in the front seat and began the drive home to Newport with him. He had gotten a ride with Amber, but rather than offer to stick her in the backseat, I quited hoped that there was some poor wallflower sitting in a corner somewhere waiting to drive that hot mess home.

Okay, so I won't be winning the MADD award this year.

Let Grace call a taxi.

On the way to Newport I expressed to Connor my concern that perhaps the only reason he called me was because he was drunk and wanted to make out.

His response?

CONNOR: You are so f**king hot.

Flattery will get you everywhere, Drunkie McDrunk Pants.

By the time we arrived at his house, he was pretty much passed out. His roommate Theo came out and helped me get him into bed. I then headed back to Providence.

ME: So that's over at least.
FRIEND: But you haven't even had sex with him yet.
ME: Seeing him vomit organs pretty much killed the attraction.
FRIEND: Kevin, everybody gets drunk once in awhile.
ME: It wasn't so much that as the fact that him being drunk was the only reason he called me.
FRIEND: It's not about why the door opens, it's about walking through it.
ME: That makes no sense.
FRIEND: You need to have sex with this guy! Don't use logic to skirt the issue.
ME: Why don't I just give you his number and you can have sex with him?
FRIEND: Works for me.

He called the next day. I told him...well, nothing. I started to tell him something and then he apologized for his actions the night before and told me that he called me while drunk because he wouldn't have had the courage otherwise. He said he really likes me and that how he's feeling makes him really nervous.

I told him that was fine, but that actions mean more to me than just talk.

It was then that he invited me to meet his family.

Now I need a drink.