Date #20: Meet the Family

I realize there are some gay people out there who believe we live in the year 2006, and that meeting the family of a guy you've been on several dates with shouldn't be a big deal.

To these people I say--

Wipe off the rainbow sunglasses and get a clue, Tim Curry.

Sorry, I'm not usually so caustic, but I was really nervous about the date.

BRIAN: It's no big deal. I met Scooter's family the second time we hung out and they loved me. Matter of fact, I'm still on really good terms with them.
ME: Really?
BRIAN: Yeah, I mean granted, Scooter's family is made up of his incarcerated older brother and his grandmother who referred to me as 'Davey' but if you forget all that--

Considering what I was going to be dealing with when it came to Connor's family I'd gladly have taken a crazy old grandma and a brother in the clink.

After all, Connor's family was different.

They were rich.

Now, I'd like to think I have a sense of wit and class, but the fact of the matter is I was raised on Disney Afternoon and Mac and Cheese just like the rest of the middle class.

Connor's family is into sailing and afternoons at "the club."

I didn't know there were "clubs" anymore. I thought we got rid of them along with that other grand tradition of the upper class--

Segregation.

Why did I feel like I was about to be the Barbra Streisand to somebody's Robert Redford?

(And when did I suddenly become gay enough to start comparing my life to The Way We Were?)

I arrived at Connor's family house at around 7:30pm. Luckily I'm smart enough to know that when you're invited somewhere for dinner, you should bring something. Unfortunately, I wasn't sure if that applied to guys. It seemed courteous, but also sort of womanly.

"Hi, I'm Kevin. Don't worry, I'm not one of those scary feminine gays you don't want your son dating. I'm just an average, masculine, All-American, strapping lumberjack sort of fellow. Not that I'm into straps or anything--I mean, I--Oh, by the way, you should probably refrigerate these blueberry tarts."

Not that I cared what these people thought of me or gay people in general. Was there even reason to worry? After all, they had an openly gay son who they were apparently very close with, so they must be cool with the whole guys-coming-over thing, right?

The best possible thing happened--

His father answered the door.

I almost dropped the fresh baked Italian bread I had settled on--cause, you know, bread is butch.

But then his father smiled and extended his hand.

DADDIO: You must be Kevin. I'm Ted, Connor's Dad.

Oh thank God, I thought. His father is nice. That must mean the rest of them are going to be a breeze. No family has a homo-friendly father without being cool.

Connor's father invited me into the biggest hall I have ever seen. Granted, most of the people I know don't even have Halls in their home bigger than a walk-in closet. This was like entering into Tara before the Union soldiers arrived.

Daddio led me into the living room where I was greeted by Connor's mother, Elizabeth, and his two sisters, Catherine and Carly.

I imagined a big "C" as the family crest.

Elizabeth is your classic rich, pretty, ladies who lunch kinda gal. She either had a trainer or a surgeon or both. She smiled at me like I was the family's newly adopted Korean orphan.

Catherine, 20, was the giddy girl. It was clear that she's positively thrilled her brother is a big queer since I pegged her instantly as being a hag and a half.

Carly, 17, on the other hand seemed a little more wily--think a young Abby on Dawson's Creek--or any of the little ho's on My Sweet Sixteen.

So there I sat, on the couch, wondering if the butler was going to show up and offer me some cognac.

ELIZABETH: So Kevin, Connor says you like theater.
ME: Actually I majored in theater.
ELIZABETH: Oh, where did you go?

This is where I name the less than Ivy-league college I attended.

CARLY: Oh, I have a friend who's going there.
ME: Really?
CARLY: Yeah, her family's going through some rough times.

The Bitch, ladies and gentlemen, every Aaron Spelling soap has one.

Daddio--Ted--took that moment to go fetch Connor who was apparently out helping to close down the pool for the summer.

ME: Should I do something with...my bread?

That got looks from all.

CATHERINE: I think theater is really awesome. I saw Wicked when it first came out.
CARLY: You see everything when it first comes out.

Catherine shot her sister a look that made me love her. I decided to play allie.

ME: I saw Wicked last week actually. I loved it.
CATHERINE: With Eden? Oh my gosh, I've never seen it with Eden! You are so lucky!
ME: Well--
CATHERINE: How was 'Defying Gravity?'
ME: Really good.
CARLY: Catherine cried for the rest of the night after we saw that show.
ELIZABETH: Carly, be good.

Too late. I saw Catherine take a deep breath and bite. Something she clearly does to keep from pulling out her sister's hair by the strand.

ELIZABETH: So Kevin, can you make a good living doing theater?
ME: Well, you can if you're in Wicked.

This got a laugh out of Catherine, but Elizabeth and Carly seemed unamused.

ELIZABETH: No, but seriously, are you working?
ME: Yes, but not in theater.
ELIZABETH: But that's what your degree is in.
ME: I know, but there aren't a lot of paying theatrical opportunities around here.
ELIZABETH: Maybe you should move to New York then.

Why? So then I wouldn't be able to date your son?

Clearly this woman had no problem with me potentially running my tongue over her little boy's torso--it was my predestined fate to be a starving artist that had her in a tizzy.

It was at this point that Connor came in--shirtless, dirty, and smelling of chlorine. Then I remembered why I was suffering these indignities.

When I stood up, he not only hugged me but kissed me full-on--on the mouth. I think my face instantly turned a bright off-pink, and I refused to look up until Daddio walked in and announced that we could all go into the dining room and eat.

As everyone was leaving I grabbed Connor and whispered--

ME: Why did you do that?
CONNOR: To show you that I can and it's not a big deal.
ME: I think your mother and Carly hate me.
CONNOR: Probably, but my dad and Cat are going to love you.
ME: So what are you saying? Two out of three ain't bad?
CONNOR: You got it, Meatloaf.

God, it's refreshing when someone other than me can throw out pop culture barbs like that.

Dinner was--of course--delicious, and mostly free of bite...

...Mostly.

CARLY: So are you guys, like, boyfriends?

I was ready to pipe in when Connor replied--

CONNOR: We sure are.

This time Elizabeth and Carly weren't the only ones who were taken aback.

I sought to clarify.

ME: We're just dating at the moment.
CONNOR: Exactly. We're boyfriends.
DADDIO: Isn't it the same thing?

I'll take conversations I don't want to have with someone's Dad in the room for $500, Alex.

ELIZABETH: Have you talked about living together?

Oh look, the Daily Double.

ME: I think we're just taking it slow at the moment.
CONNOR: Of course, but getting our own place is definitely a topic we'll be discussing soon.

Oh we will, will we?

ME: I actually just got my own place a few months ago. So I don't think I'll be moving again too soon.
CATHERINE: Oh? Where are you living?
ME: In this apartment on the east side.
ELIZABETH: That must be expensive.
ME: Not all that expensive.
ELIZABETH: I'm just surprised you can afford to live on your own with just a theater degree.

Italian bitch--I mean, bread--anyone?

After dinner I was out on the patio looking out over the gorgeous lawn and the inground pool that could probably house a good-sized beluga whale. Connor came out and joined me.

CONNOR: You upset?
ME: I'll let you know when I start seeing colors other than crimson.
CONNOR: My family has that effect on people.
ME: It wasn't just them, and I liked your Dad and Catherine.
CONNOR: So what is it then?
ME: What was that stuff about being boyfriends?

At this Connor looked a little surprised.

CONNOR: Kevin, we have known each other for about a month now.
ME: Yeah, and we've only hung out a couple times, and most of those times you were drunk or I was seasick.
CONNOR: So you don't consider us boyfriends?
ME: No! Boyfriends means exclusive, and I....
CONNOR: You what?

I can't be exclusive because at the moment I'm di-clusive--considering Charlie.

Connor got an abridged--and somewhat selective--version of why I can't commit to him and only him just yet, but he seemed uneasy with that.

CONNOR: Kevin, I really like you, but I'm looking for something serious. I don't just want to be another guy in your life. I don't just want to keep dating forever.
ME: Please, it's not like that at all.

Date #1843: Connor and I--The Golden Years.

I have to admit, I was surprised that Connor was the one pressuring me to settle down and not Charlie, but it also kind of made him more appealing. You have to take a guy seriously when he's ready to make the big jump for you.

ME: Have you ever met the family of someone you were dating?
FRIEND: Please, sometimes I don't even meet their roommates.
ME: Aside from the fact that I got treated like a bohemian artist, it wasn't all that bad.
FRIEND: Oh my God, bohemians are hot.
ME: Name a bohemian you know.
FRIEND: Ew--
ME: Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge doesn't count.
FRIEND: I'm sorry, but I miss the days when parents tossed their kids out on their asses if it turned out they were gay. Now that being gay is socially acceptable, it's not as hot.
ME: Yeah, I really long for the days of prejudice and homophobia.

I told Connor I would need some time to think about what we discussed. In the meantime, I have a date with Charlie to go to the club.

I know, I know.

I don't wanna be a playa no more.

But I feel like if I commit to one, I'm going to lose the other.