Date #19: Open-Ended

While dreading the upcoming meeting with Connor's family I almost forgot about the date I had planned with this guy Stephen.

Have you noticed that if a guy is named Stephen is makes you call him Stephen and not Steve, and if his name is spelled with a "ph" and not a "v" then he's always gay?

Something to think about when you're naming the baby.

Anyway, Stephen asked me out for lunch at Panera, and even though I'm not a big Panera fan, I needed something to take my mind of Con-lie.

(That's my nickname for the on-going Connor-vs-Charlie feud, happening almost exclusively in my mind.)

Upon meeting Stephen at Panera I could tell I was dealing with a major metro--and I don't mean Stephen likes boys but claims not to.

He was wearing snazzy (yes, I say 'snazzy') sunglasses, a t-shirt that said "Runaround," jeans, and sandals. When he saw me he lowered the sunglasses and smiled.

Points, points, points for Stephen.

We had a nice lunch and got into the topic of--what else--ex-boyfriends.

ME: One of mine said he was the combination of The Great Gatsby and Dorian Gray.
STEPHEN: So he was obsessed with youth?
ME: Obsessed with youth and eager to speak about it.
STEPHEN: Terrific.
ME: What about you?
STEPHEN: One of my ex's believed he was the reincarnation of La Bamba.
ME: Are you serious?
STEPHEN: He used to watch the movie every night.
ME: Was he Latin?
STEPHEN: Please, he was from Vermont.

We were having a pretty good time bouncing boys back and forth and eating sandwiches. Maybe this is what I need more of in my life, I thought, simple lunches with fun people who I kind of want to make out with. Why clutter up my life meeting people's families and going to dinner parties with strippers?

ME: ...I used to have to drop him off like a block from his house.
STEPHEN: Ugh, if my boyfriend ever made me do that we'd be done.
ME: Well, when you love somebody--
STEPHEN: Oh, I love David, but still.

Da-who?

ME: Who's David?
STEPHEN: My boyfriend.

I'm sure you're all as surprised as I was.

Apparently Stephen and his boyfriend David are in an open relationship. Stephen and David are allowed to do the bobkabang with other guys, but within reason.

STEPHEN: No kissing, no cuddling, and no soft touching. Just the rough stuff.

At first I was only slightly disgusted, then I realized something--

ME: So if we're hanging out that means--
STEPHEN: Yeah, are we going to go back to your place soon? Cause I have to be at work for 4pm.

I explained that Stephen that not only was I looked for something a little more long-term than a no-kiss fling with a chicken wing, I would have a major problem doing something with him knowing he had a boyfriend.

STEPHEN: He could watch if that would make you feel better.

I just bet he could.

Rather than just walk away from this awkward situation, I decided to converse with Stephen about his lifestyle choice.

ME: So what's it like being a whore?

Just kidding.

ME: Don't you feel that by taking monogamy out fo your relationship, you're kind of rendering it...not a relationship?

English major, kids. Woot woot.

STEPHEN: Look, even if I didn't have sex with other guys, I'd want to have sex with other guys. By actually doing it I think less about it, and that makes my time with David better. And because I tell him about it; it makes our relationship more honest.
ME: But that makes your relationship so much easier to maintain!
STEPHEN: Exactly. Why should relationships be hard?
ME: Because they're not called Shoots and Ladders!
STEPHEN: Kevin, every man either cheats or wants to cheat. Gay, straight, whatever. We're men. We can't just be with one person and be completely satisfied. It's like eating. You can't just eat one thing your whole life and nobody expects you too.
ME: That's not true! I could eat tortellini my whole life...
STEPHEN: Every gay relationship that isn't an open one is bound to fail.

Great, now I need to watch Trick to cheer myself up.

I called Brian for support. After explaining the situation to him, he was clearly supportive.

BRIAN: Peter wants to have sex with other people.
ME: WHAT?
BRIAN: I said it was okay.
ME: PANIC AT THE F**KING DISCO!
BRIAN: I know, but if it's that or nothing--
ME: So now that's a dealbreaker. No more, 'I don't date smokers.' No more, 'You have to be funny.' No 'You have to live somewhere with decent parking.' Now you have to be willing to let whoever you're dating fool around with someone else.
BRIAN: Kevin, I'm dating a stripper. It kind of comes with the territory.

Why the hell am I dating around to find the perfect match if the entire world thinks that once I find him he's still going to want to bang the waiter at Applebee's!

(I'm just using the waiter as an example.)

I tried to think of one gay couple I know of who've been together more than five years without opening up their relationship.

.........................what about--no.....................................

.........................Slater and Zach?........................No......

...........................No, No, No............................................

Oh Christ.

ME: Do you believe in open relationships?
FRIEND: I'm sorry. Are there other kinds?
ME: Haven't you ever been faithful to someone?
FRIEND: Does Jack Daniels count?
ME: I'll call you after I take a shower with my blender.
FRIEND: Don't get so down. Monogamy is boring.
ME: But it signifies committment.
FRIEND: And a jack-o-lantern signifies Halloween.
ME: What does that have to do with anything?
FRIEND: I'm sorry. The word 'committment' makes me zone out.

I was so sad I looked at this:

http://www.exodus.to/help

Sadly, there's no ministry anywhere near me.

...And then Charlie called.

I told him about my frustration with gay guys not wanting to be faithful.

CHARLIE: Kevin, I've only known you for a month, but I'm pretty sure you're the only guy I'd want driving me crazy.

And now for my tortellini...

Smile.