Date #21: Never Bring a Date to a Club

This is what you might call--

--A parable.

Just call me Aesop and try to follow the bouncing ball.

Cause this is one b-b-b-bumpy ride.

And it was supposed to be a simple night out at the club...

Charlie invited me to go along with him, Tommy, and Alex for some dancing and lite-debauchery. Since Brian was already going with Peter, I said yes right away. After all, nothing makes a club better than your own posse.

This was also going to be the first time Charlie and I had hung out since the somewhat disastrous dinner party at his house, and to my somewhat surprise, I was really looking forward to seeing him.

I couldn't figure out if part of that had to do with my fear of losing him should I end up committing to Connor.

Like the torches on Fire Island, So are the Gays of Our Lives.

Tommy didn't seem to happy to see when I showed up at Charlie's house for the ride over to the club. He was quickly becoming the Iago to my Othello--making Alex a very horny Latin Emilia. He had his shirt off before we even pulled out of the driveway.

About twenty minutes later we were inside the club. Tommy headed for the bar, while Brian, Peter, Charlie and I went to the dance floor and began to boogie. Alex hopped up on a box and stayed there for the remainder of the evening. I felt like asking Tommy if he should be drinking what with his little DUI's and all, but I decided tonight was going to be an evening of positivity.

Yes, I just used the word "positivity."

As I was dancing with Charlie, I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around to see Army Guy's big toothy smile staring at me.

The fact that he had now popped up in my life twice without permission made me wonder when the U.S. was going to call in the reserves.

I know, I know. I'm going to hell.

He gave me a hug and told me I looked really cute. He said it loud enough for Charlie to hear, and I caught the expression on his face before I could do something date-ish so that Army Guy would back off--like put my arm around his waist or hump his leg. Army Guy kept flirting with me, probably assuming that I was just with a group of friends who didn't mind, until I told him I should probably dance 'with my date' as I motioned to Charlie. It was then he got the picture and politely backed off.

Charlie seemed impressed by my show of loyalty, but Brian was a little miffed.

BRIAN: He didn't even say hi to me.
PETER: You know that guy?
ME: He and Brian went out on a date once.
BRIAN: We went on more than one date!

I shot Brian the "shut - up - you're - with - someone - cuter - now - and - you're - making - him - feel - awkward" look but Brian kept on talking.

BRIAN: I really should go say something to him.

It was then I pulled Brian off to the bar.

ME: Are you nuts? You're going to have a confrontation with Army Guy while you're with Stripper Guy?
BRIAN: Do you know how insulting it is that Army Guy didn't even remember me?
ME: Do you know how insulting it is to make a big deal out of not being recognized by someone when you're on a date with someone else?
BRIAN: Fine. I won't say anything.

Then I heard--

"Kevin?"

I turned around to see a blast from the past.

CONFESSION: When I was nineteen I had a semi-serious prolonged tryst with a forty-two year old. Judge me, go ahead. I was a skanky little minx back then, but at the time, I was convinced he was the older, and more sophisticated Mr. Big to my Carrie Bradshaw. Since then I've never dated anyone more than four years older than me, and I've even been known to let my favor slant more towards younger guys, but nevertheless, I have dated a forty-two year old.

And that was who was standing behind me when I turned around.

In addition, I will admit that for a--okay, wait, let me do the math--a forty-five year old, he'd aged rather well. He looked better than a lot of thirty-year olds I know, and part of me actually felt proud of being able to say that at one point I had something of a connection with this guy.

Then I remembered the time he told me he went to Studio 54 in its heyday, and suddenly I was a little less cocky.

Pardon the pun.

Dean gave me a big hug and I introduced him to Brian, who was currently giving me the "don't - even - tell - me - you've - seen - this - guy - naked" look.

We exchanged the usual chitchat, and then Dean excused himself and went back to his friends. And that was that.

BRIAN: So in terms of saggage--
ME: I will kick you in the face if you finish that sentence.

I went back to dancing with Charlie, but then a thought popped into my mind.

Dean never called me back. Somehow I'd let that little detail go during the hugging and the chitchat, but once a couple minutes had passed I remembed how upset I was at the time. (Gimme a break, back then my only potential boyfriends were Dean and the "might-be-gay" guy at Blockbuster.)

I had left Dean several messages and never heard from him, and then saw him at Pride that year with some guy who looked even younger than I was at the time.

And now he thinks he can just say hello and give me a hug like nothing happened?

That son-of-a-bitch.

I told Charlie I had to run back upstairs but on my way there I had a run-in with Tommy, who to my chagrin, was talking to Army Guy.

TOMMY: Hey Kevin, how come you never told Michael about your blog?

This bitch is going to get cut.

MICHAEL: You wrote a blog about me?
ME: Not really a blog as much as a...um...thing...like...
MICHAEL: Like livejournal?
ME: Kind of like livejournal.
TOMMY: Except a little more--satiric. Wouldn't you say, Kevin?
ME: Yeah, sort of like that. Tell you what, I'll buy you a Mongolian and make it up to you.
MICHAEL: Deal.

It's never that hard to get a gay man's forgiveness. At that moment the club version of "One Night Only" from Dreamgirls came on, and Army Guy (Michael) was off and running. I gave Tommy a look to kill, and went back on the lookout for Dean.

On the way, I ran into another one of my favorites.

SCOOTER: Kevi-rino!

Fan favorite, folks. Here he is.

Scooter, being the great big horny teddy bear that he is, ran up to me and grabbed me in what I would call a bear hug and others would call the Heimlech Maneuver. It was then that Scooter gave me the sad news.

SCOOTER: Bro, I'm moving!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

There go my ratings.

Brian confirmed the news when I found him at the bar. Scooter was off to Detroit. Apparently that was the in-place to move if you're a gay guy who hates where he's living. Past gay hot-to-move-to-spots include Miami, San Diego, and Bombay. I was slightly devastated. Scooter disgusts me in many ways, but he's also not that bad a guy. Brian was more concerned with finding a new roommate and finding Army Guy again.

BRIAN: I just want to walk by him again and give him the opportunity to say hello.
ME: I don't know why I bother with you.
BRIAN: Whatever. Why aren't you downstairs dancing?
ME: I'm looking for that guy Dean.
BRIAN: You mean the Golden Oldie?
ME: Don't try giving nicknames. Only I give nicknames.
BRIAN: Sorry. Why are you looking for him anyway?
ME: I just have...things to talk about with him.
BRIAN: You're settling a score, aren't you?
ME: Maybe!
BRIAN: Hypocrite!
ME: Yeah, call Katie Couric. I hear she does the Big Boy news nowadays.

With that I left him to check and see if Dean was at the other bar downstairs. I also checked on Charlie. I wasn't too comfortable with having all these exes and failed potentials in the same place. Charlie was trying to fend off Alex from bringing him up on the box. I figured he'd be safe with Latin Thunder for a little while.

Dean was actually on his way out when I caught up with him.

DEAN: Hey it was really good seeing--
ME: Yeah, yeah, yeah. How come you never called me?
DEAN: I'm sorry?
ME: You never called back. What's the deal?
DEAN: I think I--
ME: No, you definitely didn't.
DEAN: Well, to be honest, you were really young.
ME: I wasn't too young to have sex with apparently.
DEAN: Uh, I'm not too sure to--
ME: I love how I was too immature to sleep with but it wasn't immature of you to suddenly stop calling.
DEAN: Look, it was a long time ago and--
ME: Oh Christ.
DEAN: No, seriously, I was--
ME: Not you!

I was "Oh Christ" - ing over who was walking in the door.

Namely, Connor.

He hadn't seen me yet, so I did the adult thing.

I ran away.

Don't ask me why, I mean, it's not like I'm not allowed to be at a club with another guy, but another guy, Iago, the Golden Oldie, Army Guy, my pal, his stripper boyfriend, and a Latin wannabe Go-Go boy just seemed like too much.

I made my way back to the dance cloor contemplating what I would say to Connor when he invariably bumped into me with Charlie, but before I could think of anything the archnemesis himself tapped me on the shoulder.

ME: Yes, Tommy, what can I help you with?
TOMMY: I was just wondering--who's this Connor guy?
ME: His real name is Gonzo. I changed it to protect his identity.
TOMMY: Does Charlie know about him?
ME: No, unlike most gay men, I find talking about one boy with another tacky.
TOMMY: Oh really? Tackier than juggling guys like a circus boy?
ME: Circus Boy is actually Date #28. I just haven't gotten to him yet.
TOMMY: I was--
ME: Gotta run.

I ran right into Scooter. He informed me he was heading out because the place was dead. I looked around and couldn't see more than three inches of free space on the dance floor. When I mentioned this to Scooter he just countered by saying he was "over" clubs in this town. Apparently in Detroit clubs you have to dance while sitting on people's shoulders, gay orgies happen in the streets, and Rainbow stores are more prevalent than Starbucks.

SCOOTER: So I guess this is good-bye. I probably won't see you before I leave.
ME: Well, it's been good knowing you, Scooter.

I could see Charlie making his way over to us, and Connor finally reaching the door guy. Dean was talking to someone but kept looking my way--probably wondering why I just ran off but also glad to have me gone. Tommy was back at the bar obviously scheming some more and Michael was back on the dance floor with Brian gazing at him a few feet away while dancing with Peter. Alex remained on the box. I just needed to get out of here.

SCOOTER: Good knowing you? Oh come on, you can do better than that.

So Scooter pulled me in for the most dramatic kiss you can possibly manage unless you're acting in a World War II movie.

And it was witnessed by everyone--Connor and Charlie included.

That, my children, is why you never bring a date to a club.

FRIEND: Well I could have told you that, Mother Goose.
ME: It's Aesop. I was comparing myself to Aesop.
FRIEND: I've never read the Ali Baba story.
ME: It's not the Arabian--
FRIEND: Blah blah blah. So what happened? Was there drama?
ME: Not really. Charlie already knows the wonder of the world that is Scooter, and Connor...Well, Connor and I had a talk.
FRIEND: And?
ME: I think he's going to push harder for us to be exclusive.
FRIEND: Is that what you want?
ME: Is it cliche to say I don't know what I want?
FRIEND: Yes, but so is a theatrical kiss at the end of an episode of a bad sitcom where the love interests and the main character are brought to a turning point.
ME: And then the friend makes a cute little pun at the end?
FRIEND: Honey, I would but I'm so plastered I'm not even capable of a simile right now.

To be perfectly honest, I think Charlie's getting to the point where he'd like a little committment too. I could always offer both of them committment, but then I'd be like the gay spin-off of Big Love.

All this time without a good guy in my life and now I have two.

There's another moral for you--Be careful what you wish for...

...Unless you're wishing for meaningless sex and good wine.

FRIEND: Hallelujah!