Date #24: Another Dinner Party

Believe it or not, I was actually really excited about another Charlie Dinner Party.

It was going to be the same group as last time, except now Brian and Peter were a couple, and Tommy and I had done everything except declare open war on each other.

I was already wrong on one count.

BRIAN: Peter and I aren't dating anymore.
ME: Does this have anything to do with your infatuation with Michael?
BRIAN: I wouldn't call it an infatuation.
ME: Sorry. Does this have anything to do with your strong interest in someone who's not right for you?
BRIAN: Yeah, it had a little to do with that.

When Peter found out that Brian was sneaking dates with Michael (Army Guy) on the side, he decided to cut him loose.

I don't blame him.

Dating one guy seriously and then another on the side is...

Okay, I'm a pot. He's a kettle. I get it.

I showed up at the dinner party with scones--sort of like bread, but gayer. Charlie gave me a big kiss at the door and promptly instructed me to stir the linguini.

Gotta love the guy a little, right?

Peter was the next to arrive. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and asked me how Brian was doing. I told him he could ask Brian himself.

PETER: Brian's coming tonight?

Oh Christ...

Apparently Charlie had forgotten to inform Peter that his recent ex was going to be making an appearance at the gathering tonight.

That bee was still buzzing around when the doorbell rang and Tommy walked in, up the stairs, and right into the bathroom. Alex was right behind him.

ALEX: He's been sick all day. I think bug.
ME: You think he has a bug?
ALEX: No I think something bugging his stomach.
ME: Maybe it's a bug.
ALEX: It is. It's bugging him.

Why do I keep having these conversations with people?

The sound of Tommy throwing up became background noise for the first portion of the evening. Peter was using the downstairs bathroom to fix his hair.

CHARLIE: Petie, you look fine.
PETER: I need to look better than fine.
CHARLIE: Why? Because Brian's going to be here?
PETER: I'm mad at you for this, so I would get me some gel if I were you.
CHARLIE: You look great--
PETER: Get me some Got2B or I'll hurt someone!

Wow, Peter's so neurotic. To think Brian screwed up a match this perfect.

The doorbell rang. It could only be Brian. I intended to tell him to give up on Michael and beg Peter to get back together. The poor guy was gelling for godsake's.

That's love.

I opened the door to find Brian...and Michael.

ME: I should have brought more scones.

While Brian was introducing Michael to Charlie, I ran into the bathroom to brace Peter. When he found out Brian had brought the new/old/new--whatever--man in his life, he actually seemed to take it well.

PETER: I'm not leaving this bathroom.

Well, he took it well for a gay man.

Charlie was finished with the linguini so he called everyone to dinner.

ME: Peter's not coming out.
CHARLIE: I'd say it's a little late for that, wouldn't you?
ME: I mean, he's not coming out of the bathroom.
CHARLIE: God, I didn't realize the sauce would work that fast.
ME: This is not the time to be witty. We have a hostage situation here.
CHARLIE: How do you figure?
ME: Well, Tommy's upstairs puking his guts out, which means the only usable bathroom is the one Peter's in and I really have to pee!
CHARLIE: You're so cute when you're overreacting.
ME: You think I'm cute? Watch this.

I informed Brian that Peter was taking up residence in the downstairs abode.

He then stormed into the bathroom and shouting was heard. Alex and I started piling linguini out onto plates. Michael sat down at the table and stared at his napkin as if it was going to get up and dance. I patted him on the back.

ME: None of this is really your fault so you don't have to feel uncomfortable.
MICHAEL: I just don't like confrontations.
ME: But you were in the army.
MICHAEL: I mean social confrontations. I'm fine with hand-to-hand combat.
ME: Gotcha.

Tommy finally managed to come downstairs. Alex was sitting on the couch and Tommy was laying so that his head rested in his boyfriend's lap while Alex stroked his hair. It was actually a very touching image. When Tommy spoke his voice came out in a croak.

TOMMY: I heard another blog alumnus showed up.
ME: Why don't you just rest and picture mayonnaise and relish being poured on fried butter?

With that he moaned and it appeared as if he might throw up again.

What? I never said I fight fair.

Charlie and Michael were talking at the table. The shouting in the bathroom had calmed so I decided to poke my head in and see how things were going.

Big mistake.

I ended up catching a glimpse of Peter sitting on the sink while Brian...

Well, use your imagination.

I yelped.

That's right--yelped. At times, I'm a giant puppy.

I then slammed the door shut and went back to the table.

ME: I think we can start dinner.
MICHAEL: They're doing stuff, aren't they?
ME: Brian and Peter have a lot to work out.
MICHAEL: Is he giving him head?
ME: I really don't know. My vision blurred ten seconds after I opened the door.

With that, Michael got up and left right as Tommy was running towards the bathroom. Alex was trailing right behind him and when I asked him where he was going, he informed me that Tommy didn't think he was going to be able to make it to the upstairs bathroom.

It was then that we all heard a noise no human should ever have to hear.

Exhibitionism meets the stomach flu.

After things had settled down, Charlie and I were watching tv on the couch while eating the dessert he made--apple turn-overs.

Brian and Peter had left together, with Brian admitting that he had no clue what he was going to tell Michael. I asked him if this meant he was done lusting after the guy, and he said "Yes." Truth is, I think Brian just can't handle being the one jilted. Like many gay men, he needs to be the jilter...jilter...yeah, that's a word.

Alex and Tommy also called it an early night. Seeing Alex take such good care of Tommy; it sort of made me want something like that. I expressed these feelings to Charlie.

CHARLIE: Well, that's the perks of having a boyfriend.
ME: Having someone who'll rub your head when you feel like throwing up?
CHARLIE: I was going to call it TLC, but yeah, that works, too.
ME: I've just always taken care of myself. I don't know how easy it would be for me to let someone get that close.
CHARLIE: Oh don't be that guy who starts talking about having problems with letting people get close.
ME: I just mean in the sense that--
CHARLIE: You know what?
ME: What?
CHARLIE: You talk too much. Finish your apple turn-over and I'll let you lay down on my lap, and I'll rub your head. But if you ask 'Which one?' like an idiot I'll make you sanitize the bathroom right now.
ME: Deal.

Laying there with Charlie, I really felt like this must be what bliss is. Just being with someone, simply, doing simple things, and experiencing the utter complexity that is joy.

FRIEND: Rip off Meryl Streep's monologue The Hours a little more, why don't you?
ME: That was only mildly from The Hours.
FRIEND: Okay, sweetie. And is your next entry going to feature a rant from Kramer vs. Kramer?
ME: Whatever. Go find me a slender paratrooper.
FRIEND: So you're saying you want domesticity?
ME: I want to just be with someone, you know? I want things to stop being complex.
FRIEND: Complexity is life.
ME: God, whenever something sucks it's life.
FRIEND: Bingo.
ME: Charlie makes great turn-overs.
FRIEND: If that's an innuendo, I'm all about it.
ME: You know, I had another feeling while I was laying there with him.
FRIEND: Which was?
ME: I felt like...if this is it...like, if I chose this--then what would I do after that?
FRIEND: Have sex. See, that was simple. Yet joyfully complex--if you do it right.

I kept thinking about that on my way home. Most men and women in their twenties make their whole lives about finding someone else, but then when you do, what else is your life supposed to be about? I mean, I have hobbies, I have friends, things that interest me, but at the end of the day the ultimate journey of my life will be finding someone to share all that with me.

So what happens if the journey ends at 22?

What the hell kind of journey ends at AGE 22?

Maybe this is why the life expectancy of people used to be so low. Because that way you didn't have to worry about being done too fast.

FRIEND: God, I hate it when they're done too fast.

By the way, this quick FRIEND-comment-at-the-end thing to get in one last zinger has got to go.