Date #28: Follow Through

Despite the fact that Charlie and I are doing swimmingly, I've decided that I'm going to go on the 100 dates regardless--and fend off an exclusive committment until after I've finished my goal. I don't know why, but I really want to follow this through till the end. And since Charlie's not in any rush to keep things between he and I, I don't think it'll be a problem.

Part of the reason I've come to this conclusion is a recent meeting with Brian's new roommate--Turner.

I was picking up Bri-Bri to go to our daily lunch at our newly established place of choice--Johnny Rockets. I get the egg salad, he gets the burger, and I whine the entire time about him needing to stop seeing Chef guy so we can go back to the Nordstrom's Cafe.

While Brian was throwing on his shoes, this adorable redhead walked out of Scooter's old room. He asked Brian something about an extra set of keys, but then our eyes locked and I'm not entirely sure he heard the answer.

Brian introduced the two of us and then we were off to get some delightful diner food.

ME: Don't tell me you haven't noticed.
BRIAN: Noticed what?
ME: That Big Red is a hottie.
BRIAN: I'm not into redheads.
ME: It really makes that big of a difference what color hair someone has?
BRIAN: Isn't it enough for you that I'm already juggling Peter and the Chef?
ME: A Chef, a Stripper, a Candlestick Maker. What's the big deal?
BRIAN: I've decided I need to stop doing this. I just need to pick one.
ME: So pick Peter. He's the one who puts up with all your shenanigans.
BRIAN: I'm going to ignore the fact that you just said 'shenanigans' and inform you that Chef is much more sophisticated than Peter.
ME: Is that because Chef minces garlic for a living and Peter drops it like it's hot?
BRIAN: It's not just that. It's all about self-presentation.
ME: We've had this convo a hundred times. Let's skip to something interesting.
BRIAN: This is your segway into asking if I can fix you up with Turner, isn't it?
ME: We could cover the Middle East first.
BRIAN: Just eat your egg salad, Raggedy Ann.

And so I was set up on a date by Brian with his cute new roommate for the following night. Apparently Turner is new to town, and he thought a nearly blind date was a great way to start off his time in Rhode Island.

We rendevouzed at Tazza--I figured Turner would appreciate the red decor.

The conversation was going really well, and somehow we got into the topic of following things through--surprise, surprise considering what I started the entry with (don't forget kids, I'm an English major, I know how to foreshadow).

ME: I've been working on a project now, and it's kind of this semi-silly social experiment, but I'm still really into seeing it through to the end.
TURNER: Are you going to, like, rehabilitate homeless men or something?
ME: Um, not exactly.

Unless I need the numbers.

TURNER: I think that's cool. I've been working on a little experiment of my own.
ME: Oh really? Can I ask what?
TURNER: I've been celibate for three years.

It's funny. I hear that word so infrequently I actually thought he might be talking about a kind of postage stamp.

ME: That's...wow.
TURNER: Yeah. Have you ever tried it?
ME: Um, I did for a little while last year.
TURNER: What happened?

I got so pent up and frustrated that I thought I was going light myself on fire and run down the street screaming "Toledo Surprise!"

ME: It just didn't work for me.
TURNER: You would be amazed what happens when you really stick with it.
ME: So you just don't have sex?
TURNER: Oh, it's way deeper than that. Not having sex was just the first year. After that I stopped ejaculating all together.

Well, there's howdy-doo.

ME: Is there any reason you decided to do this?
TURNER: Just to see if I could.
ME: Gotcha.
TURNER: What about you? Why are you conducting your social experiment?

I want to get a book deal and a relationship talk show on syndicated television.

ME: Same reason.

After dinner we went walking around downtown. Turner turned out to be quite the free spirit. He's the guy in movies who walks in the fountain in Central Park. You know, the Kate Hudson character from Almost Famous. Goldie Hawn in pretty much anything. (I guess it's no secret that Kate Hudson and Goldie Hawn are related when you think about it.)

This reached its peak when we were on our way back to Turner and Brian's place and he insisted we get cookie dough.

ME: You want to make cookies?
TURNER: No, I just want to eat the dough.

Not that unusual.

When we got back to the apartment Brian was in his room with Chef and from the sounds of it they were making grilled veal.

TURNER: Hey, you want to throw cookie dough at them?
ME: Um...I think the semen is building a blockage in your brain.
TURNER: Huh?
ME: I have no interest in seeing Brian and Iron Chef Homo go at it.
TURNER: We could close our eyes and throw it.
ME: Hey, he's your roommate. You want to live with that--
TURNER: Good call. I have a better idea anyway.

Turner went into his room and came out with a giant supersoaker.

TURNER: Open the door.
ME: I'm afraid I can't do that, Turner.
TURNER: Kevin, I haven't had sex in three years, and even though I'm okay with that, the opportunity to ruin other people's sexual experiences is something I never pass up. Now, open the door.

So I did.

Turner ran into the room yelling something to the effect of Xena's "Ki-Ki-Ki!!!" I heard Brian yell and then the sound of the supersoaker going into full effect. Chef ran out of the room with a pillow covering his wobbly bits. He seemed to be laughing, but Brian on the other hand was running around his room screaming at the top of his lungs while Turner followed after him continuing to hose him down.

BRIAN: THAT DOES IT!

Brian ran into Turner's room wearing nothing but his boxer briefs, and came out with an even bigger supersoaker.

TURNER: I didn't load that one, jackass!
BRIAN: I did it while you were gone, fruitface!
ME: Have you guys done this before?
BRIAN: Are you kidding? He's done this every night since he's been living here.
ME: I guess you come up with your own entertainment when you don't--
TURNER: Suck it down, Los-ah!

They proceeded to run around the apartment for the next ten minutes while Chef hid in the bathroom and I sat on the couch covering myself with throw pillows.

Once the boys were done playing, we all sat down to some cookie dough.

BRIAN: So how did your date go, boys?
ME: I thinkwe might be better friends than anytyhing else.
TURNER: I concur. Especially since you're clearly a sex maniac.
ME: I am not!
BRIAN: When was the last time you had sex?
ME: Okay, ask me when the last time I had sex before that was.
TURNER: Bingo.
BRIAN: You's a ho.

I still wanted to explore the issue a little bit more.

ME: Can I ask you something, Turner?
TURNER: Shoot.
ME: Don't you ever feel...
TURNER: Needy?
ME and BRIAN: Yes.

At this, Turner took my hand in his and ran his finger up and down my palm while staring directly into my eyes.

TURNER: I need for every little.

Then from the bathroom we heard--

CHEF: Is it safe to come out now?

Turner and I laughed. Brian got up to let Chef out.

BRIAN: Great. The mood is effectively killed for the night.

Turner asked if he could put his head on my shoulder while we ate, and I said sure. We ended up just sitting like that enjoying each other's company. It was nice, and I could see what Turner was trying to say. There's so much more to enjoy in another person besides sex.

FRIEND: F**k that noise!
ME: I'm serious. It's nice to just hold someone sometimes.
FRIEND: That depends on what you're holding.
ME: You know what? I bet even you would benefit from more intimate moments and less strictly physical encounters.
FRIEND: Yeah, and then I can learn to make tea and knit sweaters.
ME: Don't make fun of me just because I've been enlightened to a deeper kind of love.
FRIEND: How deep are we talking?
ME: You know what? I think I can learn something from Turner. I might try celibacy again.
FRIEND: Oh God, the last time you tried celibacy you were more out of control than Nicole Ritchie in a Ponderosa.
ME: I think it'll be something good for me to follow through on.
FRIEND: Don't you have enough hoo-hahs out there on the world wide web?
ME: You mean blogs?
FRIEND: Don't try to confuse me with techno mumbo gumbo.
ME: You mean mumbo jumbo?
FRIEND: Now I'm confused.

I really am determined to give this celibacy thing another shot. Now that I'm older and more mature maybe it'll work out better.

Now, I just have to tell Charlie.