Date #27: 2 Fast, 2 Serious

What does a gay man bring to a second date?

A Whitney Houston cover band and a really liberal Unitarian preacher.

...Just kidding.

The point I'm trying to make is that often gay men move too fast for my liking.

So when Charlie uttered the "L" word--not lesbian, the real one--I was more than a little concerned.

BRIAN: Did he say he loved you or that he was falling in love with you?
ME: Falling in love.
BRIAN: So he's not there yet?
ME: Yeah, I guess not. Is there someone I can call to catch him before he reaches the finish line?

Brian and I were enjoying a rather lousy lunch at the pasta no-show--Smokey Bones. Due to Brian finally getting a date with the chef from the Nordstrom's Cafe he likes, we weren't able to meet there for our routine discuss-and-munch.

BRIAN: I just don't want to look like a stalker.
ME: Brian, you ate there long before you went out on a date with him.
BRIAN: Regardless, it would be awkward.
ME: As awkward as you telling him you kind of have a boyfriend?
BRIAN: I guess that would be awkward had it actually happened.
ME: Just as I thought.
BRIAN: Hey, Preachy McTsk Tsk, stick to the love convo.
ME: What do you think I should do?
BRIAN: I think you should slow the train down.
ME: But we're not even moving that fast.
BRIAN: Anytime the word 'love' comes into play before the six-month anniversary, you're moving too fast.

On this point I agree with Brian. It's not that I don't believe in love before month six, it's just that I think it's better to play it safe.

Still, I was determined to handle this the adult way. I would bring it up with Charlie at dinner that night. We were trying this cool Indian place that I had never been to before, and I prepped what I was going to say all that day.

When we got to the restaurant, Charlie seemd to be in a really good mood.

Terrific, I thought, he'll be way more willing to handle hearing that I don't have as strong of feelings for him as he has for me.

We sat down and ordered, and it was then I decided to try broaching the topic.

ME: Hey Charlie, about last night--
CHARLIE: Oh, it's the love thing isn't it?

Wow, he's good.

CHARLIE: Look, I completely understand if I freaked you out. I don't know why that just popped out of me. I guess there are things about you that I already really love, but that doesn't mean I'd give you my kidney or anything...not yet anyway...I mean, one day I could, but...oh God, now I sound like you when you get nervous.

I laughed.

ME: It's okay, I know what you mean. And there are things about you that I really really really like, but--
CHARLIE: I know, and trust me, that wasn't the big love that everyone thinks about. Just consider it a mini-love that one day might potentially grow into a big love.

I brought up my glass.

ME: Well, here's to Big Love.
CHARLIE: And to Jeanne Tripplehorn, may she win the Emmy next year.
ME: And to Charles Mee, and his talking chickens.

The toast was over, and life was good.

Until...

We arrived back at Charlie's place to find Alex sitting on the front step. He had tear stains down both of his cheeks and one of his hands was bloody. When we asked him what was wrong, he told us he had come home to find Tommy sitting on the couch with his ex-boyfriend laughing and having a great time. Apparently, Tommy had neglected to mention to Alex that he would be having company since he thought Alex would be out for the night, and Alex proceeded to cry (hence the tear stains) and punch a wall (hence the bloody fist).

He came inside and Charlie bandaged up his hand right about the same time that Tommy showed up. When asked how Tommy would know where he was, Alex said--

ALEX: I told him, you want #$%^ your ex-boyfriend? I gonna go #$%^ some of your friends, how you like that?

Leave it to Tommy to think Charlie and I would be on top of that list.

At that moment the doorbell rang.

Charlie got the door, and instantly Tommy was in the living room and right in Alex's face.

TOMMY: I CAN HAVE WHOEVER THE $%^& I WANT OVER! IT'S MY APARTMENT TOO! AND WE WEREN'T EVEN DOING ANYTHING!!!

ALEX: $%^& YOU, YOU PIECE OF #$%!!! WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO THAT LITTLE #$%^ SUCKING #$%* WHITE BOY, HUH? HUH?

TOMMY: HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME WHEN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH?

ALEX: I LOVE YOU TWICE AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE ME, YOU $%^&!

TOMMY: YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR #$*^ING MIND! I WOULD CUT MYSELF FOR YOU! I WOULD CUT MY HANDS FOR YOU!

ALEX: THEN CUT YOUR #$%^ING HANDS, YOU #$%^! AND CUT YOUR #$%^ WITH THEM!

TOMMY: YOU FILL UP MY SOUL! DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?

ALEX: OH MY GOD...That is so #$%ing deep.

TOMMY: Please come home, I love you. Don't do this.
ALEX: Oh my God, baby, I'm sorry I go cuckoo.
TOMMY: You're my whole world.

It was at this point they began making out on the couch in the living room for about a solid minute before they realized Charlie and I were still in the room. Then they politely excused themselves and went home.

Charlie and I ended up collapsing on the couch floor laughing. I kept repeating "Go back to that white boy! Go back to that white boy!" and he kept saying "I go cuckoo! I go cuckoo!" Then we would fake make out, which then turned into real making out, which then turned into...

Well, let's cut to some mood music.

Put on "It's Gonna Take a Miracle" if you have it.

So there we were, lying in bed upstairs--two hours later I might add--

Giggidity, giggidity

--When I said, "God, I could spend the rest of my life here with you."

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Where the $%^& did that come from?

FRIEND: It's the gay curse. Once you've looked at your mother and said 'I lick guy's tummys' everything else just comes pouring out whenever it wants to.
ME: You haven't actually said that to your mother, have you?
FRIEND: Oh honey, I save that kind of talk for my hot second cousins.
ME: I can't believe I gave him a lecture on being too serious and then came out with that.
FRIEND: It was after sex. You're allowed to say stupid things after sex.
ME: What's the stupidest thing you've said after sex?
FRIEND: Is this rocking chair for sale?
ME: I don't--
FRIEND: Well, we were on the rocking chair at the time.
ME: Ah, of course.

Charlie just looked at me and smiled.

CHARLIE: Good to know it's not just me who's impulsive.
ME: Gimme a sec, and I'll cut my hands for you.

He laughed...and we fell asleep.