Date #29: The Old Flame

Do me a favor before you read this entry.

Download the song "I'll Be Okay" by Amanda Marshall. It's off the My Best Friend's Wedding soundtrack. So if, by some chance, you own that CD, you're all set. I think it's Track #5. Just prep the song; don't listen to it yet. I feel this will enhance your experience of the following entry.

But before we get on to the date, let me catch you up on how things have been going with my new chosen lifestyle--the young and the way too restless.

Having been celibate for a little while reminds me of why it didn't work the last time--because as soon as you decide you're not going to have sex, suddenly numerous opportunities to have sex jump up right in front of you.

Case in point, Charlie has been on a physical kick recently. Apparently once he becomes really comfortable with a guy his libido goes through the roof. Lucky for me, the shingles started shaking right after I embarked on my new, sexless existence.

I was over Charlie's house watching Nip/Tuck when he jumped on top of me and starting kissing my neck. Normally I'm much better with my timing than this, but I was afraid if I didn't just blurt something out I was going to end up abandoning celibacy faster than Aaron Carter left his playmate.

ME: No sex--I'm--no sex!

Always the orator.

CHARLIE: Huh?
ME: I'm celibate now!

Charlie looked at me like I had just confessed to mass genocide. Then we had a talk, and he seemed pretty understanding, which is why he rocks.

Phone rings--I answer.

BEN: Guess who?

And everything just stops.

Cut to me sitting in Nordstrom's Cafe with Brian, and scarfing down enough carbs out of nervousness to make Atkins rise up from the grave and try sewing my mouth shut.

Yes, I'm getting a little dramatic here.

BRIAN: Ben?
ME: Yes, Ben. Haven't I ever told you about Ben?
BRIAN: The guy who broke your heart?
ME: Broke my heart? Try ripped it out and stomped on it with his--
BRIAN: --Little Satan hooves. Thank you, Miss Coco.
ME: I haven't seen him in three years.
BRIAN: So why is he calling out of the blue like this?
ME: Who knows?
BRIAN: Well, did you ask?
ME: He said he couldn't talk long and asked me to dinner tonight.
BRIAN: And you said?
ME: And I said? The man stopped calling me, then got another boyfriend, then continued to not call me, then saw me out in public and waved me over to introduce me to his new boyfriend, while the entire time I'm still thinking I'm his boyfriend since he never called to tell me I wasn't, and here I am the whole time thinking that he'ss lying in a ditch or something, and then he moves to Florida with the guy! And he has the nerve to ask me to dinner!
BRIAN: What time are you meeting him?
ME: Seven o'clock.

To say I got dressed up would be a massive understatement. I did everything but get a bikini wax. I needed to be amazing--like, Michael E. Knight amazing.

When he strolled in I remembered why I fell for him in the first place--Because I was a shallow, insecure little college freshman who wanted nothing more than to date the coolest guy in any room--and that was always Ben.

He sat down at the table and let out a long sigh.

ME: Did you just sigh?
BEN: Kevin...Broccoli.
ME: Yes...Ben?
BEN: You look so cute.
ME: Fuck off.
BEN: Wow, and you swear now?
ME: Yes, and you'll also be thrilled to know that the butter in my mouth finally melted.
BEN: Don't tell me you're still mad at me.
ME: Let's just say I may not be the best gay man in the world, but I can still hold a grudge like a real pro.

He laughed. In case you were wondering--like most cute guys--he is incredibly cocky.

BEN: So what have you been doing with yourself?
ME: Mostly I masturbate.
BEN: Really?
ME: No, actually, I'm celibate now.
BEN: Good for you. And that means you can't have sex with anybody? Even yourself?
ME: I'm going for the gold.
BEN: Good to hear you got a little ambition, finally.
ME: Pardon me?
BEN: You never really were the go-getter type.
ME: You're right. I should have tried to enjoy myself a little more. Perhaps it would have been easier if I wasn't worried that my boyfriend had gotten sucked up into a black hole.
BEN: Here we go again.

The waiter came over and interrupted the near brawl, and we both ordered drinks. He went for the classy alcohol, whereas I just ordered a soda. He looked at me as if I were a 12-year-old. He used to do that when we dated too. Apparently choosing not to drink was the equivalent of riding a three-wheeler.

ME: So why did you call me?
BEN: Haven't talked to you in awhile.
ME: Okay...So why haven't you called me then?
BEN: I was sorting some stuff out.
ME: Like what?
BEN: It's private.
ME: So why am I here?
BEN: I missed you.
ME: I'm sure your boyfriend would love hearing you say that.
BEN: Elijah and I broke up.
ME: Does he know that yet? Or are you going to wait until you introduce him to the new boyfriend to tell him?
BEN: There isn't going to be any new boyfriend.
ME: And why is that? Have you gone straight? You could cover a whole new market.
BEN: I'm getting married.

And the Cheesecake Factory stands alone.

BEN: ...To a man. Great guy. Nothing like Elijah--not that Elijah was a bad guy.
ME: Are you serious?
BEN: Dead serious.
ME: But I don't--
BEN: I wanted to make amends for what happened between us before I--Well, see, I was in New York and I saw this play by Neil LaBute.
ME: Please don't tell me you're going to say Some Girl(s).
BEN: How did you know?
ME: Is this where you tell me you're here to figure out why we didn't work so you can make sure that what happened to us doesn't happen to your marriage?
BEN: Not really. More than anything I just want to say I'm sorry.
ME: Terrific.
BEN: Yeah. (Pause.) So I'm sorry.
ME: Fuck off.

It was here that our waiter came back and I ordered. Most people would have taken that moment to storm off and leave the jerk sitting there by himself, but I'm not like most people--I'm hungry.

BEN: I understand why you're upset.
ME: Oh, I really don't think you do.
BEN: I know I was a jerk.
ME: Was? No. You are a jerk. Bringing me here to tell me this--that's what a jerk would do. A nice person would have just stayed vanished.
BEN: That's not really proper grammar.
ME: I'm aware!
BEN: Don't you believe in redemption?
ME: Only if you commit your life to Jesus.

Silence set over the table. I'm not sure how it happened but one of those all-consuming "We're nto talking" moments just occurred, and pretty soon we were sipping our drinks and not saying a word. Our meal came. We ate. We talked more to our waiter telling him that the food was fine thanks and could we have the bill. We split it. I walked out of the restaurant.

He caught up to me in the parking lot.

ME: There's really nothing else to say.
BEN: Can we just go somewhere?
ME: We went somewhere. We went to eat. You're getting married. Now I'm going home.
BEN: Look, there's got to be some way that I can make up for what happened.
ME: Why do you want to do that?
BEN: Because I'm selfish. I don't like knowing that you're still upset about what happened. I don't like knowing that I hurt a really decent guy. And I don't like knowing that if I run into you somewhere your first instinct is going to be to punch me in the jaw.
ME: First of all, my first instinct is and always will be to knee you in the groin. Secondly, the past is the past. And believe it or not, I'm okay with that. Am I still mad? A little bit. But that's got way more to do with me being disgusted with who I was than it has to do with being pissed at who you were.
BEN: I think I get that. But I think you should also know there was nothing wrong with who you were.
ME: I was naive, clingy, and insecure.
BEN: So was I. I just hid it better. Plus, you were eighteen. Not many people are connected to their souls at that age, Kevin.
ME: Where the hell did that come from?
BEN: My fiance is really into spirituality.
ME: Oh Christ, you're a guru.
BEN: He's just helped me see that I need to make right with the universe the things I've done wrong. I know it sounds like I'm in a cult or something, but it is based in good intentions.
ME: So is the road to Hell. (Pause.) Sorry. I'll stop giving you a hard time any second now.
BEN: Hey, whatever helps.

Phone rings.

TURNER: Kev-o, it's Turner. Come to karaoke.
ME: Wednesday is not for karaoke, Turner. That's Monday and occasionally Tuesday.
TURNER: Well, where I'm from we do karaoke on Wednesdays. Plus, Brian's here and he wants to meet the lothario.

Ben got directly in my line of vision.

BEN: Tell him I'll go.

These new cellular phones with their high volume are really a liability.

I pulled up to the karaoke place with Ben in tow. It was a restaurant with a large space in the middle for people who wanted to perform a little in between eating their cheesy fries. Brian was onstage when I got there. He was doing his own rendition of "You Only Get What You Give." When Turner saw me, he jumped out of the booth he was sitting in with Peter, Brian's Go-Go Boy, and gave me a big hug. Then he turned to Ben.

TURNER: And you must be the one that ran away.
ME: Turner!
BEN: That's me.
TURNER: Terrific. We've got a little surprise for you.

I was prepping myself to be horrified.

We were led back to the booth where Ben was sat down, and I was immediately pulled up onto the floor. Now, doing karaoke doesn't scare me. In fact, I enjoy it. But I had no idea what Turner had planned. Having not known him for very long, I was still trying to assess what type he was: The Holly Go-Lightly or The Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.

He got on the mic and to the entire restaurant announced:

TURNER: Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin will now perform a song...of closure.

Sweet Jesus.

I knew I was in trouble the minute the first few bars started...

I don't need to fall at your feet
Just cause you've cut me to the bone

I looked at Turner.

ME: You had to pick 'King of Wishful Thinking,' didn't you?
TURNER: Sing it, sister!

I looked at Brian.

ME: Traitor.
BRIAN: You know I can turn down Go West.

I looked at Ben.

And sang.

I'll get over you
I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking

And I'll tell myself
I'm over you
Cause I'm the King of Wishful Thinking

With Brian and Turner as my back-up and half the crowd rejected hags and queens who love a good nineties jam, everyone was loving it.

If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself

Then I saw Ben--laughing. He was smiling and clapping along with everyone else. Along with a lot of other things, I forgot what a good sport he was.

After I finished the song with a Tina Turner strut, and a Charlie's Angels pose with B&T, I said my good-byes, and walked Ben to his car.

(By the way, this is when you should start playing the Amanda Marshall song.)

BEN: That was a lot of fun.
ME: Yeah, except every time I hear that song I envision the Mickey Mouse Club music video of it.
BEN: With the hot guy in the boat that's actually sinking?
ME: Yup.

We got to his car, and there it was. That moment when you have to say something profound.

ME: I really like your hair like that.
BEN: Thanks. I was really hesitant to cut it short like this...
ME: It looks good.
BEN: Thanks...again.

Tell me that's not Pulitzer-worthy, kids.

ME: Just be happy, Ben. Don't feel bad anymore.
BEN: Wow, a little karaoke goes a long way.
ME: This isn't necessarily forgiveness, but just like you don't want to be responsible for someone's misery, neither do I. And as you can see, I have friends. I have a job. I have a great life. You didn't scar me that badly.
BEN: Good to hear.
ME: So are you nervous about getting married?
BEN: I'm terrified.
ME: Well, that's a good sign, isn't it?
BEN: I just don't know if I have it in me to be a good person.
ME: Congratulations, Ben. I think you may have just entered the human race.
BEN: I'm serious.
ME: So am I.
BEN: When the hell did you...become this?
ME: What's this?
BEN: The guy that got away.

Awwwww.....Sing it, Amanda Marshall.

ME: Good-bye, Ben.

And I gave him a hug, and he drove off. And that was that.

ME: You know, as much as I've hated him all these years--the second I saw him again it was like...like I got a part of me back that I haven't had in awhile.
FRIEND: Would that 'part' happen to be your virginity?
ME: Dear God--
FRIEND: Hey, all I'm saying is you always either eternally love or eternally hate the first person you were ever with, that's all.
ME: So how do you feel about your first person then?
FRIEND: I love all three of them.
ME: You mean all three of them were--
FRIEND: I don't do details--unless I can remember them.
ME: Do you think I should send him a wedding present?
FRIEND: Yeah, send a stripper. It's always good to test the marriage early on.

After seeing Ben go, I drove to Charlie's house, let myself in, and crawled into bed with him. The older, wiser Kevin doesn't need a guy's arms around him to make him happy anymore, but as long as they're there anyway...

I'll be okay.