Date #32: The Golden Oldie

Sometimes life plays funny tricks on you.

And by funny, I don't mean "Ha Ha" funny.

More like--

MOTHERF**KER WHAT THE #$%&?

--kind of funny.

I had that kind of funny when I went to work and found Paye finishing up another demonstration with the kids. I gave him a big smile and he asked me when our next date was going to be.

ME: Tonight would be great.

PAYE: Perfect. I know a great place we can go for dinner.

ME: Sounds amazing.

PAYE: Can we make it a late dinner though? I need to stop by my reunion first.

ME: Your reunion?

PAYE: Yeah, high school.

ME: Ouch. Five year?

PAYE: Uh...no.

ME: No?

PAYE: Try higher.

Higher?

ME: Um...ten year?

He was 28? He looked twenty-five tops. Then he did something that made my blood chill. He shook his head.

ME: Fifteen? You're 33?

PAYE: Uh...no.

ME: Oh, okay. Well--

PAYE: I'm 38.

This is when life made its little funny.

ME: 38?

PAYE: I know. It's the Indian skin. Keeps me looking young.

He was smiling. Obviously he got a big kick out of my mistaken guesstimates at his age.

PAYE: Does this affect dinner tonight?
ME: Um...

You're within a decade of my parent's age--what do you think?

ME: No, of course not. I'll call you when I get out of work.

I know, I'm a wimp.

After work, I put off calling him until I could confer with Brian at the Ole N.C. Needless to say it was a relief to be able to do a lunch like this again, but the name "Connor" hung in the air like mistletoe at a Christmas party.

BRIAN: How did you not know he was 38?
ME: I knew you were going to say that. That's why I took a poll at the library. I asked everyone who worked there how old they thought Paye was.
BRIAN: What was the most popular guess?
ME: Well, 77% thought he was 30, so I did undershoot a little bit by thinking he was 25 or younger.
BRIAN: Anyone guess 38?
ME: Nobody guessed older than 33.
BRIAN: Okay, so you were a little bit justified, but not by much.
ME: So what do I do now?
BRIAN: Tell the old perv you can't date him.
ME: I can't do that. I already have dated him. I've kissed him for godsakes.
BRIAN: All right, so you have yourself a sugar daddy.
ME: I don't think so.
BRIAN: Just explain to him how you feel. I'm sure he'll understand.
ME: Don't get me wrong. I'm all about age not being nothing but a number--
BRIAN: But that's a pretty big number.
ME: That number is 16. He was going to his prom while I was still nesting in amniotic fluid.
BRIAN: Please, I'm eating.

Then the convo turned...

ME: So...how's...you know?
BRIAN: Good.
ME: Good.
BRIAN: We don't have to talk about he and I, you know.
ME: No, we have to. If we're going to keep being friends, we have to learn to talk about it.
BRIAN: Okay, terrific.
ME: So...talk.
BRIAN: Well, we were fooling around last night--
ME: How 'bout them Patriots?
BRIAN: Shouldn't you be talking about baseball?
ME: Anything that changes the subject works for me.

Kevin Broccoli, ladies and gentlemen, maturity at its best.

Later that night, I met Paye for dinner at Kabob and Curry. I was fully prepared to break the news to him that I couldn't date him, but when he showed up he looked better than half the twenty-somethings in the place. It's so hard to stop seeing someone because of their age when they don't look their age at all.

We were having a nice time, chatting, and then I realized if I didn't break the news to him now I was going to end up chickening out again.

ME: So...about you being 38...
PAYE: I was waiting for this.
ME: You have to understand that it's a bit of a problem.
PAYE: Oh, I'd say it's more than a bit.
ME: So you think so, too?
PAYE: I can understand where you're coming from, but I would be lying if I said I've never dated younger guys before.
ME: As young as me?
PAYE: You would be the youngest, but not by much.
ME: Any particular reason you gravitate towards the younger set?
PAYE: They're more trusting, so it's easier to get them into my van.
ME: What?
PAYE: I'm kidding. I'm not a creepy old man; I just find that a lot of guys in this town don't take care of themselves so by the time they're my age they end up looking like the Crypt-Keeper. I work out everyday. I eat right. I don't smoke or drink. I want someone who can keep up with me physically.

Suddenly I thought of something else that might prematurely end the date.

ME: You mean physically or...boom boom physically?
PAYE: Is that a new kind of yoga?

ME: The thing is--I just recently took on a life of celibacy.

PAYE: Wow, seems like nobody's having sex nowadays, not even the younger ones.

ME: It's got nothing to do with my age. It's just a lifestyle choice.

PAYE: That's terrific. Does that include all kinds of sex?

ME: How many kinds of sex are there?
PAYE: It's just that I studied massage therapy. I can bring you to sexual levels you've never even dreamed of without taking off any of your clothes.

Just take those old records off the shelf...

ME: Maybe we can see how this works out. Maybe the age thing won't be so bad after all.

Paye smiled, and then sealed the deal with--

PAYE: You look a little tense. Want me to try doing something about that after we--

ME: Waitress!

We then went back to his place where he gave me the most amazing backrub I've ever had in my life. There are a few things that win me over almost instantly:

1) Someone who cooks.

2) Someone who knows all the words to "We Didn't Start the Fire."

3) Someone who can give a good backrub.

After that we just kind of fell asleep next to each other. The last thing that went through my head was--

In two years, this guy will be forty.

FRIEND: F**k "Old Time Rock 'N Roll," you should be singing "Father Figure."

ME: He's not old enough to be my father.

FRIEND: But he's too old to be watching High School Musical so I ask you, what's the point?

ME: The point is we're too old to be watching High School Musical.

FRIEND: Speak for yourself, whore.

ME: So you think I shouldn't be dating someone so much older than me?

FRIEND: That depends. What's Grandpa giving you for a weekly allowance?

ME: It's not like that.

FRIEND: You mean you're tapping that old redwood for nothing?

ME: I'm not tapping anything. Celibate, remember?

FRIEND: Honey, if I were dating someone that old, I'd be celibate too.

Well, for what it's worth--those levels of sexual ectasy?

Yeah, that was true.

Smile.