Date #63: Be the Valentine

Wake up.

Open your eyes. C'mon, open 'em.

That's right. You are where you think you are.

Yes, this was a huge mistake.

How did you wind up here?

Let's start with the luncheon.

BRIAN: So why Dwight?
ME: I want a date for Valentine's Day.
BRIAN: Ivan?
ME: Boyfriend.
BRIAN: Scooter?
ME: Scizophrenia.
BRIAN: Me?
ME: Don't be cheeky.

Remember how the two gay guys across from you were both checking out, Brian. Remember not asking yourself why nobody checks you out. Remember not being paranoid, envious and pathetic. Remember how good your chicken salad wrap tasted.

ME: Dwight and I ended sort of...up in the air. And I really liked him.
BRIAN: You really liked Charlie too and I never hear about him anymore.
ME: That's another story.

Think about that story for a second.

Remember how this was brought up over Antonio's pizza and an episode of Grey's Anatomy.

ME: The thing is Charlie, I need to finish this...project...I started.
CHARLIE: And what does that mean?
ME: That means that until I turn 23 I'm not really ready to give up...playing the field, for lack of a better term.
CHARLIE: So you're saying you can't commit.
ME: I'm not saying that at all. I want to commit. But I'm committed to finishing this thing out.
CHARLIE: What thing are you talking about?

Remember how foolish you sounded in your own head rationalizing why you couldn't quit doing the blog because it was one of the few things in your life you've actually stuck with for more than a month or two. Wonder if that might have something to do with why you had relationship trouble in the first place.

CHARLIE: You do what you have to do, Kevin. But you shouldn't assume people are going to hang around and wait for you to be ready.
ME: The alternative is still better than me jumping into something without being ready.

See that you've made a point. See that you've hurt his feelings by not being ready now. Continue watching and eating and not saying anything.

BRIAN: So Dwight is the V-Date?
ME: Dwight is the pre-V-Date. I'm spending the V-Day with Charlie.
BRIAN: So Charlie is the V-Date?
ME: It's not going to be a 'date' date. It's just going to be us hanging out.

Wonder if you still have to include it in the blog.

BRIAN: But for the meantime it's a 'date' date with Dwight?
ME: I have my reasons for wanting to check up on him.

Finish lunch. Go home. Get ready. Meet Dwight at his house.

Try to sniff your cologne before he opens the door. Try not to look too embarrassed when he opens the door while you're still in mid-sniff.

ME: Hey.
DWIGHT: Hey.
ME: I was just...smelling...myself.
DWIGHT: Wow, and for a second there, I was worried this might get too sappy.
ME: You look good.
DWIGHT: Thank you. Won't you please come in?

Go inside. See the place looking clean. Too clean. As if Dwight has just come back from a long trip and finished unpacking five seconds before you arrived. Everything seems to have just been placed where it's placed, and yet nothing looks messy or contrived.

ME: So where are we eating?
DWIGHT: I thought we'd try somewhere half/bar, half/formal.
ME: You're in a half and half mood?
DWIGHT: I'm in a gimme a little bit to eat and a lot to drink mood.
ME: Has she called you recently?
DWIGHT: Of course not. She won't call.
ME: I'm sure she will.
DWIGHT: Trust me. She'll bury yourself and nail her own coffin shut first.
ME: That's a Stubborn Sally for you.
DWIGHT: Ready to go?

Go to dinner. Order something with pasta. Lament that you always order something with pasta. Always play it safe. Check your text messages when Dwight goes to the bathroom.

TEXT ONE from TURNER: No plans tomorrow. Let's rent When Harry Met Sally. You say all the Harry lines, and I'll do all of Sally's.

TEXT TWO from BRIAN: So he hasn't talked to his mother in months because she's getting married again? That's really extreme. Keep me posted on the details.

TEXT THREE from SCOOTER: I'm at home wearing nothing but blue boxer briefs and a smile. Want to see?

Put the phone away before Dwight comes back from the bathroom. Finish the lovely meal. Walk back to the car. While he checks his messages, check yours.

TEXT FOUR from IVAN: Can I swap my valentines?

Try to be annoyed, since that is an incredibly obnoxious statement when you think about it.

TEXT FIVE from CHARLIE: Miss you :o*

Try not to feel guilty. Fail. Fail miserably.

TEXT SIX from FRIEND: To me...you are perfect.

Recall your last V-Day spent with a tiny gay boy in tiny underwear with Love, Actually playing on the television and liquor flowing freely (though not into your mouth). Smile because your friend remembers that, and allow yourself a little party in your head over the thought of him in tiny red underwear (the size of a napkin in a doll's house).

Accompany Dwight back to his house. Notice that his phone keeps ringing.

ME: Are you going to answer that?
DWIGHT: Hadn't planned on it.
ME: Okay.
DWIGHT: It's my mother.
ME: How do--
DWIGHT: It's always my mother.
ME: How often does she call?
DWIGHT: About twice an hour.

Try to determine if he's kidding.

DWIGHT: I'm not kidding.

Hear the voicemail sound go off.

DWIGHT: Do you want to hear the voicemail she left me?

Wonder if you should say that you don't want to, when in fact--

ME: Yes, please.

VOICEMAIL: Dwight, this is Barbara, your mother. I'm aware that you do not approve of my marriage to Travis, but seeing as how you came out of my tiny cervix and not the other way around, I thought I'd remind you that your job on this planet is to find happiness in your own, special way and to always pretend that your happy for your relatives--meaning me. I will love you until I die, and if there is in fact a snowstorm tomorrow, you might someday hear that I was eaten alive by stray cats while sitting by the phone waiting for my hateful son to call me. All my love.

Wonder if you've actually just heard what you think you heard.

ME: Is he really that bad?
DWIGHT: He's a golddigger.
ME: If he makes her happy--
DWIGHT: He hates me.
ME: Dwight--
DWIGHT: He told me I was living an alternate lifestyle.
ME: She's marrying Newt Gingrich?
DWIGHT: Not funny.
ME: She's a huge liberal.
DWIGHT: And she's in love. So she hates his ideals, his political leanings, and his religious overtones, but she loves him and she wants the two of us to try and get along.

Arrive in front of his house. Put your arm around him and bring his face into your shoulder. Feel him try not to lose it, because losing it is not something he does.

DWIGHT: Why would she want to marry someone like that? She's my mother. Why would she love someone who hates me?

Contemplate and console.

FRIEND: Poor little Republican gay.
ME: That's what happens when your Mom is Mrs. Brown.
FRIEND: You should have reminded him to make sure she doesn't change her will before something large and blunt falls on her.
ME: So what are you doing for V-Day?
FRIEND: Bottle of red, bottle of white--whatever kind of boy buys my wine tonight.
ME: Boy, Billy Joel never sounded so slutty.
FRIEND: And what about you, honey? How are you going to celebrate?
ME: I am going to celebrate the fact that I have wonderful friends, and a hard time committing, and I'm going to do that without making any foolish decisions regarding seeing boys I shouldn't see on Valentine's Day.
FRIEND: Oh honey, wake up.

Wake up.

Open your eyes.

Look to your right.

ME: Oh no...

Take a guess at who you've woken up next to.

IVAN: Hey Valentine.

Wonder if you should just go back to sleep.