Date #55: I Won't Grow Up

When last we left me, I had been seduced by someone too young to remember Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and was looking to swing the pendelum the other way. Basically, I wanted to date someone who would remember where they were when the first disco albums were being burned.

That's how I ended up with Nelson.

He's thirty-three (My favorite number doubled), drives a great car, and does not have to be home before midnight.

I realize how ironic it is that a mere twenty dates ago (see "The Golden Oldie") I was against dating Paye because of his age, but I had changed my ways--kissing a fifteen year old can do that to you.

We went out to dinner at a fantastic restaurant where he regaled me with stories of his "business." That's right, folks, he owns his own business.

NELSON: You know, normally I wouldn't date someone ten years younger than me.
ME: Twelve, but whose counting?
NELSON: Rub the salt in the wound a little more, why don't you?
ME: Hey, if I minded I wouldn't be here.
NELSON: You into older guys?
ME: I'm into finding someone who has his shit together. It seems like nobody under the age of thirty can offer that anymore.
NELSON: I hear you loud and clear.

God, I thought, no more twenty-somethings for me. Guys like this are where it's at. More than once over the course of the meal, Nelson looked at me like a conquered land he was interested in revisiting. Territory he knew well. I was willing to surrender.

(Clearly the metaphor of someone who hasn't gotten laid in awhile.)

NELSON: Seeing as how I haven't dated anyone in their twenties since I was in my twenties, what's it like nowadays?
ME: It's like picking out a puppy. They all look cute at first, and then you take one home and he keeps you up all night yapping then pees on your kitchen floor in the morning.
NELSON: Yup, that sounds like what I remember.
ME: They all just want to club hop, party, drink, smoke, and speed up their aging cycle.
NELSON: That's why I chilled out. I didn't want to physically peak at twenty-seven.
ME: It's so depressing, because it's such a Rhode Island thing. You go somewhere like New York, and you see all these really handsome guys in their thirties and forties, who clearly work out and keep themselves in good condition. Then you come back home and finding a date becomes the equivalent of picking out a burglar in a mugshot book. Everyone's got jacked up teeth, awful bodies, and bad attitudes.
NELSON: Unlike you?
ME: Me? I'm perfection guarenteed.

(As soon as I get the teeth whitened, start doing sit-ups, and lose the sarcasm.)

Nelson invited me back to his spacious living space in North Providence, and I said 'Okay.' Start the judging now, folks.

When we got there, he showed me his downstairs living room, and the first thing I noticed was the large entertainment center...

...Full of video games.

Now, this didn't automatically concern me. Lots of guys like video games. But Nelson had a virtual wall of video games.

NELSON: Impressive, huh? I just got the new PS3. I called out of work three times this week because of that thing, but it's so worth it.

Red flag number one.

NELSON: Just let me check my myspace account.
ME: You have a myspace?
NELSON: Yeah, don't you?
ME: Yeah, but--

But you're in your thirties!

NELSON: I check it all the time. I just put a new song on there and people have been commenting like crazy.

Red flag number two.

I asked if I could go get a drink upstairs--aka, I need to scope out the rest of this place to see if there are dead bodies hidden in the closet (it's standard procedure)--and he said sure, he was just going to fire up the PS3 before he showed me the "rest of the place." I could tell by his smile that meant--

That's when I take you to the bedroom and storm your cities, my little--

Yeah, whatever. This is what I found upstairs.

On the CD Rack: Pussycat Dolls, Beyonce, Justin Timberlake.
On the Movie Rack: She's the Man (great movie, I know, but not for the over-30 crowd), Bring It On, Bring It On Again, and A Cinderellla Story
On the Walls: Posters of J.T.--seven of them, I kid you not
In the Fridge: Three beers, popsicles, and onion dip

Well, that just about did it.

The red flag was raised and flown high, and I was out of there. I don't even think PS3 Peter Pan noticed since he was well into his video game at that point.

FRIEND: So you split?
ME: You bet.
FRIEND: Honey, he's just trying to hold onto his youth.
ME: But I specifically laid out what I didn't want in a guy.
FRIEND: You said you wanted someone with his shit together. He had his shit together. It just so happens his shit includes Hillary Duff and onion dip.
ME: Could he really be that clueless? I mean, he seemed like a great guy.
FRIEND: Anyone who owns Bring It On Again clearly has issues.
ME: So you're saying I did the right thing?
FRIEND: Yes, and I'm also encouraging you to go back to the barely legal boys. They have tighter abs and they know when to shut up and strip.
ME: I feel dirty just listening to that sentence.
FRIEND: I have that effect on people.

When I called Nelson and asked him why it wasn't clear to him that the reason I wanted to date someone older than me was to find more maturity in a relationship, he explained that many of the guys he knows in their thirties are into the things he's into and that I'm being unrealistic if I think guys are going to just adopt an older-skewed lifestyle when they hit thirty. He said he's as mature as it gets.

This is a very real possibility...and it scares me.

So enough seeking out a particular age. From now on I'll just avoid anyone who has more than three "Cry Me a River" posters.