Date #51: How We Met

Relationships live or die on one question:

So, how did you two meet?

Let's face it, if you have a bad "how we met" story, your relationship is doomed from the start.

We actually met while Carl here was dancing on the box at Trinket's.
We met through our parents--after they got married.
We met in prison.

So I'm always a little apprehensive when I first meet someone. In my head, I think:

Is this going to be a good "How We Met" story?

Granted, it can just be the usual "set up by friends," "met each other in a coffeeshop," or just something generally lovely like "saw each other across a crowded room"--assuming the room isn't crowded becaused there's a giant circle-jerk going on in the middle of it.

The "How We Met" story of Danny and I was not ideal.

ME: We met in a porn store.
BRIAN: Excuse me?

Okay, let me explain Judge-y Mc-Judgepants, whomever you might be out there. I was at the porn store buying a gag gift Nick's upcoming birthday. I hadn't seen Nick in awhile, and I wanted to get something good for his big day--of course, gay porn came to mind.

There I was, standing in the Gay Gangbang aisle, trying to decide between Frankie's Summer Vacation and Anal Andy when I heard a voice behind me.

SEXY VOICE: Interesting viewing options you have there.

I turned around and saw someone who probably could have made a good living in the porn industry. Instantly, I was worried.

This was not going to be a good "How We Met" story.

BRIAN: So did you do him right there in the smut shop?

Brian and I were decorating the tree at he and Turner's house. I hadn't spoken to Turner since the little incident at the club. He was in his room listening to the Spring Awakening CD I burned for him (I had Brian give it to him and told him to tell him that Brian burned it for--Oh, whatever, I know I'm a loser).

ME: Hardly. We just flirted a little bit.

Actually, I made a some witty comment along the likes of--"What other options are there?" and then proceeded to try and put back good old Andy only to miss and have it fall to the floor. When I reached down to get it my hand caught the top of another DVD and I ended up bringing down four move DVD's, including one that I believe was titled Ass Pirates of the Carribbean.

Hottie helped me pick them up and then introduced himself.

HOTTIE: I'm Danny.
ME: Of course.
HOTTIE: Of course?
ME: Hot guy in a porno store, of course your name would be Danny.
HOTTIE: So when you name your child Daniel you're relegating him to a life spent working part-time in a pornography store?
ME: Wait a second, you work here?

Brian almost dropped the Star of David.

BRIAN: He works there? This keeps getting better and better.
ME: Why are you putting a Star of David on the Christmas tree? Why do you even own a Star of David? You're not Jewish.
BRIAN: It belonged to Scooter. He forgot his Christmas decorations when he moved.
ME: Was Scooter Jewish?
BRIAN: No, but he used to date this Jewish kid--Don't try changing the subject. I'm assuming you took Porny on a date with you?

I did in fact.

We went out to eat after swapping numbers and had a great time, but I just couldn't get past--

ME: --The "How We Met." I mean, he's really great, but the greater he gets, the more worried I get.
BRIAN: I don't really see why.
ME: Brian, let's say one day I adopt kids with this guy. What am I supposed to tell them? I met Daddy in the c**shot aisle at Spanky's? Where, by the way, Little Kevo the Third, he was working behind the counter!

It was then that Turner came out of his room. He was humming my new favorite tune--"Totally F**ked" and wearing nothing but pajama bottoms.

TURNER: Hey.
ME: Hey.
TURNER: Thanks for the CD.
ME: I didn't--
TURNER: Brian told me it was from you.
ME: Brian!
BRIAN: Oh, come on, like he wasn't going to guess. Besides, I'm sick of living in awkward city with Homo 1 and Homo 2 moping around. Can you two just get past whatever it is that got you in this funk. Grab each other's nipples and get over it.

I smiled, Turner smiled. I picked up a Charlie Brown ornament and handed it to him. Healing began.

ME: So how long have you been working there?
DANNY: I love how you avoid saying the name.
ME: The porn store, the porn store, the porn--
DANNY: Okay, chill, we are at a seafood restaurant after all.
ME: Nothing embarrasses me, okay? I'm not being judgy.
DANNY: You're so being judgy, but we'll leave it alone.
ME: So how--
DANNY: Two years, and it's not a bad job. I get just as many crazies in there as I do at my other job.
ME: What's your other job?
DANNY: The adult cinemaplex.
ME: What?
DANNY: I work at Best Buy.
ME: Just as bad.

While finishing up the tree, me and the boys started tossing back and forth bad "How We Met" stories.

BRIAN: ...He was the President of the C.Y.O. that year I tried to join the church and turn straight. If that's not a sign from God I don't know what is.
TURNER: I once met this guy from Myspace.
BRIAN: Please, Turner, it's 2006. People get married from myspace.
ME: I actually met my daschund on myspace and we've been happily cohabitating ever since.

After dinner, Danny and I went to a late night coffee shop for a little more conversation.

DANNY: So clearly you're not okay with this.
ME: I'm just being a little guarded.
DANNY: Believe me, I know about guarded.
ME: It's just that I haven't had much luck with guys lately, and I want to make sure the foundation is solid before I start building the house.
DANNY: Good analogy.
ME: Thank you--not that it's all that original.

He laughed and took a sip of his macchiato.

BRIAN: Okay, best "How We Met" story.
ME: Easy. We both reached for a copy of The Portable Arthur Miller in Barnes and Noble.
BRIAN: I said "Best" not "Saddest."
TURNER: I met someone on a trolley in San Francisco once.
BRIAN: You did not meet someone on a trolley in San Francisco, Nicholas Sparks.
TURNER: I did, too! And I met someone at a cafe in Paris. You're forgetting how well-traveled I am.
ME: What about you, Brian?
BRIAN: I can't beat a Parisian cafe, but I did once meet someone in a rowboat on a lake in August.
ME: You didn't notice he was there until you got out on the lake?
BRIAN: I was on a date with someone--it was going horribly--and he was the guy hired to row us out there.
TURNER: So your best "How We Met" involves someone being dumped for an oar operator. It figures.
ME: The oarer and the whore--how appropo.
BRIAN: Whatever, Arthur Miller.
ME: Okay, I can do better than that.

I was on a plane to Florida to meet my family for vacation, and we were stopping over in Maryland. My next plane was delayed for three hours, and I went and sat next to this kid who looked to be about my own age--I was fifteen at the time. We started talking and he told me how he was going down to Florida to live with his aunt who owned a bed and breakfast in Tampa. He was originally from Maryland and he offered to show me around until our plane showed up. We went to this really great restaurant--I spent way too much of my Florida money on Maryland cuisine--and then we sat next to each other on the plane and I ended up falling asleep on his shoulder. We exchanged screen names and I talk to him every once in awhile, but I never went down to Florida again after that, and the last time we talked was over a year ago.

BRIAN: ...Far across the distance...and spaces...between us...
TURNER: Brian, don't be a jerk.
BRIAN: ...You have come to show you...go on.
ME: I really do hope the Star of David falls right down on your head.
BRIAN: ...You're here...Beat chest! There's NO-thing I fear!

Danny and I were sitting in my car trying not to make out.

DANNY: So no second date?
ME: Probably not.
DANNY: That's a shame.
ME: Oh, I'm aware. But I just can't tempt fate.
DANNY: You know, maybe the bad circumstances of how we met will make for a good relationship.
ME: Like bad tech good opening?
DANNY: Huh?
ME: Theater term. Never mind. Why are you even still here? I'm such a nerd.
DANNY: Maybe I like nerds.

And with that, I was done. We kissed.

TURNER: I think that sounds sweet.
BRIAN: Yeah, whatever. Cut to me being alone and miserable and lighting up a beacon of holiday happiness when all I want for Christmas is a cabana boy.
ME: Just hit the lights, Grinch.

He did, and the tree looked nice. There I was, with my two friends, staring at that good old beacon of happiness and depression, and suddenly meeting a boy was the least of my worries.

FRIEND: Did you pick up anything for me in that little toy shop, whore?
ME: Maybe, maybe not.
FRIEND: I'd also like a cabana boy.
ME: So, come on, join in. Best how we met story?
FRIEND: McDonald's Drive-Thru.
ME: That's the best? What's the worst?
FRIEND: Wendy's Drive-Thru.
ME: I probably should have guessed that.
FRIEND: Honey, tell me you'll reconsider that second date. I mean, imagine the kind of material this kid must have laying around his living room.
ME: I'm sure it's like a bakery thing. You know, how if you work in a bakery you never want to eat brownies.
FRIEND: I don't touch baked goods. If I do, I have to starve myself for weeks until I feel skinny again.
ME: So I guess I can return the assorted cookie box I got you for Christmas.
FRIEND: Assorted cookies? That's tacky.

Speaking of gifts, Brian gave me one right before I left his apartment.

ME: Boy, you shopped early.
BRIAN: Are you kidding? I haven't even started yet. I ate lunch with someone the other day and he gave that to me to give to you.
ME: Why couldn't he just give it to me in person?
BRIAN: Just open it and find out.

It was a pair of tickets to the Christina concert in April with words "Ain't No Other Man" printed on a small card on the inside. I almost fell down in a stupor--especially after I saw who it was from:

Call me, Connor.