Date #50: Deja Vu

Hi kids.

Do not adjust your computer screens.

Friend has taken over.

In the interesting of livening up this particular entry--

--Cause let's face it, the 50th time is one worth celebrating--

--Kevin has agreed to let me, his Friend, narrate this:

The 50th Date.

So let's begin, because Daddy's got things to do.

Kevin goes on a date with this guy, and instantly he knows something is wrong, and it's not that the guy is a hot mess like most of the tricks he takes out for Sunday brunch. No, this is something much worse than that.

Oh my God, he thinks, I know this guy.

How do I know what he was thinking?

Because he called me, you fucking English majors, now stop trying to figure out my syntax and enjoy the ride.

KEVIN: I can't figure out how I know him.
ME: Ask him if he's cut or not. That usually narrows the field.
KEVIN: I can't believe I'm actually on a date with someone I've been on a date with before and I can't remember him.
ME: How do you know it was a date?
KEVIN: I have a vague memory of eating chowder with him.
ME: Are you sure it as chowder?

All I'm saying is, a good night with a French Canadian and eating clam chowder can be very similar experiences.

Kevin goes back to the table and proceeds to eat dinner with this guy. And he's running through guys in his head, because he doesn't think he's enough of a whore yet to have completely forgotten someone whereas I would have just given up and chalked it up to My Blue Period in 2o05.

They get to talking and Kevin tries fishing for information that would help him figure out who Mystery Boy could be. Meanwhile he's texting me for advice.

KEVIN: All right, we never went to the same school.
ME: How did you meet him this time around?
KEVIN: At Borders.
ME: Tacky.
KEVIN: It's a bookstore!
ME: TACKY! Does he remember you?
KEVIN: Clearly not.

Or did he? Maybe there was a little game of cat and mouse going on here? Personally I prefer the Forgetful Actor and the Well-Equiped Prop Artist, but whatever floats your boat, honey.

Kevin keeps trying different ideas:

So, where do you go for fun?
Do you ever go to clubs?
I wonder if we have any mutual friends.
Which stall do you prefer at JCPenny's?

Okay, maybe I threw in that last one just for fun.

Y'all need to loosen up. Daddy knows how to spin a yarn, don't you worry.

Finally, Kevin has a break-through. He wants to figure out who this guy without having the guy figure out who he is, so he has to be very careful in terms of what he asks. It's always important to have the upper hand--that's the one you want holding the martini.

So he starts focusing on the guy's face and trying to drw up an image.

Clam chowder.
Clam chowder.
Clam chowder.

Something near the sea.
Something on a boat.
Boats are fun.
I should get a boat.
And some hot sailor boys on it.
Swabbing the deck.
In those tight little uniforms.
With their dirty mops...

Okay, sorry, I got carried away.

Anyway, eventually it hit him.

KEVIN: Clambake!
MYSTERY GUY: Excuse me?
KEVIN: Um...nothing.

Kevin remembered the had met the mystery guy at a guy he was dating's family clambake two years ago.

There's so much wrong with that sentence, I don't even know where to start.

At the time, Kevin remembered thinking the guy was cute, but obviously at the time, he disregarded the thought because he was seeing someone.

I would have ditched the clamcakes and gotten myself some calamari on the side, but that's just me.

KEVIN: That was almost mortifying. Thank God he didnt' remember me.
ME: Oh honey, it's forgiveable. I only retain memories of half the people I fool around with.
KEVIN: And you don't have a problem with that?
ME: No! You got to clean our your harddrive every once in awhile or your computer starts going slow.
KEVIN: Did you just use a technology analogy with me?
ME: Don't be catty.
KEVIN: So have you enjoyed writing my blog?
ME: I did actually. I'm thinking of doing a spin-off--100 Dates, 100 Sorry Mornings.
KEVIN: Sounds like a hit.

I'm a little too busy to be keeping all you gay muppets up to date on my escapades. Besides, discretion is my middle name.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get a drink and a Greek foreign exchange student--and not necessarily in that order.