Date #44: Crazy A** Motherf**ker

This is why I really think I should turn straight:

Gay men can be too crazy for even me to handle sometimes.

Por ejemplo--

I met Parker over the summer at a club one night. We exchanged numbers, and he seemed like an awesome guy.

So awesome, in fact, that he already had a boyfriend.

Now, don't think that's what this entry is going to be all about. Parker was very upfront about his having a boyfriend--granted, he still took my number--but he almost instantly let me know, as soon as we started texting, that he was taken.

I wasn't too disappointed by this--I only ate one tub of Breyer's strawberry ice cream--and I kept in touch like any mature gay guy would...

...You know, in the hopes that the two of them would break up.

And lo and behold, one day Parker texts me and tells me that he's having trouble with his boyfriend and that's why he hadn't texted in awhile--

(To be honest, I hadn't really noticed--at this point, he had moved to back burner status.)

--But he said he definitely wanted us to get together sometime soon.

ATTENTION GAY MEN WHO MAY NOT BE AWARE THEY'RE OBLIVIOUS: Big pet peeve of mine? When a guy asks you to hang out and then later on claims he just meant it in a friendly way. Yes, of course, gay men can just be friends and hang out as friends, but that has to be established before the invitation is extended. I don't think it makes someone man-hungry or desperate to assume that when someone asks them out, it's with the assumption that it's a date of some kind--this goes for straight people too. I've noticed a lot of my guy friends go out on dates only to hear the girl say later--"Why can't a guy and girl just hang out as friends?" Because men and women aren't meant to be friends. They're meant to breed. That's one thing me and the Baptists agree on--just like how gay men are meant to...not breed but do the thing that would lead straight people to breeding--that's one of the things me and the Baptists do not agree on. Every once in awhile friendships will be made, but we live in a society were everyone is either looking for sex, a relationship, or in some optimistic cases--both. So make sure you're clear where you stand with someone before you offer to try out bathing suits in front of them...or something.

End of rant.

So now, a week goes by with no text from Parker. Finally, he texts and says that things are over with his boyfriend and when can we get together? I tell him pick a time, and he says okay.

Another week goes by.

He texts again and asks if I'm free on Friday. Now, during the lulls where he isn't texting, we don't talk at all, but when we do text, we usually converse and discuss different things, and it's clear we would get along really well at least on a very basic level. I'm mentioning this so that you, my blog-reading friends, are aware that in addition to him pursuing plans with me, we also spent a long time talking. So if there was anything he wanted to tell me, he would have had plenty of opportunity.

He did, however, tell me an awful lot about his boyfriend. Apparently, the guy was a few queers short of a pride parade.

PARKER: He's completely insane. He always accused me of cheating on him. He'll give me the silent treatment for no reason at all. I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without him getting on my case. Living with him was like being in a prison. He used to check my phone and text message things to guys I was friends with--just to scare them away. It was nuts.

RULE #14567 of Dating: Never go out with a guy leaving a bad relationship.

When the time finally came to hang out, we went to a movie. About halfway through it, I put my hand over his--so yes, I made the first move, but I didn't exactly grab his crotch.

(You'll see why I'm being defensive in a little while.)

He smiled at me. I took this as a kind of go-ahead. I leaned over and kissed him. He seemed a little nervous about it, but didn't exactly pull away. We kissed a little bit more and then just settled down and watched the movie.

We parted ways in the parking garage--he said he had to be up early the next day.

And that was that.

I texted him the next morning to let him know I had a nice time the night before and that we should do it again.

That's when the fit hit the shan.

I got this text back a few minutes later:

Listen you dirty gay slut, I want nothing to do with you, so just leave me the f**k alone!!!

Clearly, he was pissed. I mean, he used three exclamation points.

I texted back:

Okay, well, nice knowing you.

Then he texted back:

That's right, you ugly f**king scumbag. Stay the f**k away from me.

Clearly, this wasn't Parker talking. I remembered what he said about his ex-boyfriend text messaging people and pretending to be him. But how did the guy get ahold of Parker's phone? Were they still living together?

I texted:

So I'm assuming this is the pscyho ex-boyfriend?

He texted:

Try psycho current boyfriend, crazy ass motherf**ker. Do you enjoy mauling people in the movie theater?

It was then I decided I'd had enough arguing with Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. I texted him to tell Parker that I was a never huge fan of junior high and I have no interest in reliving it.

He texted me back:

I'm sorry. He stole the phone from me. I told him what happened last night and he got really mad. I told you he was nuts.

Three things instantly popped into my head:

1) Why would you ever tell your ex you went on a date with someone else? Let alone give them enough details to get mad over?

2) Why did he still refer to himself as the current boyfriend.

3) Oh my God, I'm an f**king idiot.

I texted:

Are you still going out with him?

After a minute:

Yes, I thought you knew that.

Okay, let's review. Step one, he tells me he has a boyfriend. Step two, he tells me he and his boyfriend are having problems. Step three, he tells me he and his boyfriend are over and asks if we can hang out. Step four, he bashes his boyfriend to me. Step five, we hang out. Step six, he goes home to his boyfriend and cries about being attacked by some gay homewrecker a la yours truly.

I called him.

ME: Are you kidding me with this? You told me you were broken up.
PARKER: We were, but we worked things out. It's complicated.
ME: See, I would have liked to have heard that before we hung out.
PARKER: I thought we were just hanging out as friends.
ME: You thought that you were going out on a Friday night to a movie with some guy and nobody else--a guy whom you've conversed with several times, whom you met in a club and gave your number to, whom you've vented to about your boyfriend, and you thought that I was just supposed to assume that this was going to be a friendly outing? Have you been living under an orientel rug for the past thousand years? We went on a date.

(Lot of whom's going on, I know, who knows if I'm even using them right.)

PARKER: I'm sorry, I--
ME: And why didn't you try to stop me from kissing you?
PARKER: It was a little awkward. I mean, I didn't want to turn away, and I do think you're cute, it's just that I really want to work things out with Michael. But at the same time I really didn't want to be rude.
ME: You are a looney f**king tune-y. Just an F.Y.I. Did you actually used the term 'mauled' when you described what happened?
PARKER: I had to embellish a little, otherwise he would have gotten mad at me.

Anyone got a wrench? A crowbar? Maybe a really big paperweight? Something I can beat myself over the head with until the world makes sense?

ME: Terrific. Well, I hope you two are very happy together.
PARKER: Thank you. That's very mature--
ME: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!

I hung up on him.

Then I got another text.

Haha motherf**ker. Look who won.

Okay, whatever, I'm 12. I don't care. I texted back:

You got your shady boyfriend, a f**ked up relationship, and the image of my lips on Parker's neck. I have my sanity, my freedom, and a stomach flat enough to wash guest towels on--yup, you definitely won this round, Champ. Good luck in the finals.

And that was that.

ME: I don't know if I can keep this up. They're all so f**king crazy.
FRIEND: Honey, your mouth is getting so dirty. Go put a c**k in it or something.
ME: It's all this dating. It's driving me nuts. I realize there are social problems that can't be avoided, but going out with a guy who lives with the Son of Sam shouldn't be one of them.
FRIEND: It's too bad you couldn't get him in bed. Adultery is the best aphrodisiac.
ME: Please, I probably would have woken up with a horse's head next to me.
FRIEND: It would still be more attractive than what I woke up next to this morning.
ME: Oh, I forgot to tell you the best part--

So I got a text from Parker.

Um, do you have a blog?

I texted back:

Um, yeah--I do.

He texted me:

Apparently some people I work with read it, and they guessed it was me. Plus, my boyfriend had one of his friends send it to him. I guess he knows some people who read it too. Everyone knew you were talking about me and him. Why didn't you tell me you were going to do that?

To which I texted back:

Oh, I thought you would have assumed I have a blog where I write about guys like you in the hopes that society will then shun people like you and your crazy boyfriend. Plus, I figured as long as you were going to be claiming you got mauled by me; I might as well show you what that would be like. Give my love to the desperate housewife :O)

Fifty-six more dates until a utopian gay dating planet, ladies and gentlemen...