Date #39: Trapped in the Closet

Let's face it, it was bound to happen.

I mean, how many gay dates can you possibly go on before you end up dating a closeted accordion player?

Here's how it happened:

Brian and I were giving Turner a hard time about dating Zach while prepping Brian's apartment for a gay tupperware party--

BRIAN: I swear they're going to be the next big thing.

--When Turner suddenly put forth a challenge-esque statement.

TURNER: I bet you guys would date a closet case if he was appealing enough.

Brian and I shot each other the "wigga, please" look.

Don't get me wrong. I've gone out on dates with closet cases before. There was a time when they were even attractive to me just for being in the closet--this was back when I was young and thought India.Arie was totally going to go the distance in the music industry.

Brian had a similar P.O.V. on the situation.

BRIAN: I'd sleep with one, but date one? Never. I don't need that kind of stress.

Turner scoffed in that gay way--the "Who switched Judy at Carnegie with Minelli on Minelli again?"

I related a story to Turner about the last time I dated a closet case.

Once upon a time, Kevin tried going out on a date with a closet case from Brown. When Brown boy's roommates came back to the dorm room early, Kevin was shoved in a closet for three minutes and then instructed to run out as fast as he could with his jacket over his head. He did so, but only while screaming "Your roommate likes scrotums!" at the top of his lungs--causing the word "scrotums" to echo down the hallowed halls of the Brown dormitory. Truth be told it was actually kind of fun--and I lived happily ever after.

Turner was still making his onion dip when I finished the story, and even though he enjoyed it, I could tell that he had probably experienced something similar with Zach. With a little coaxing, I got it out of him.

TURNER: Let's just say, fooling around in someone's garage when they're about to have practice with their garage band is not always the brightest idea.

I gave him a hug and slyly dipped a tortilla chip into his premade dip.

TURNER: You dip your chip in me again and we're going to have a problem.
ME: Now that's something you've never said to me before.

Brian walked in to check on the progress of his brownies. I think it was safe to say that we had reached the gayest portion of our evening.

BRIAN: So which one of Zach's closet case friends do you think Kevin and I would be all goo-goo gaga over?
TURNER: Not one of his friends. His brother.
ME: Excuse me?
BRIAN: His brother is gay too?
TURNER: Yeah, and it's not looking too good for his little brother either.
BRIAN: They must be playing the original cast of Hello Dolly! to them in the womb.
ME: They should try the Pearl Bailey/Cab Calloway cast. That turns you gay and black.

Turner put the dip in the refrigerator and then smiled at me.

TURNER: So what do you think, Kev? You up for the challenge?

Hey, when am I ever not up for a challenge?

It was a little strange going out on a date with the hope that it wouldn't go well. Technically, I'm not even sure it should be going in the blog, but since there was the possibility that it could go well, I figured it was okay.

So here's the deal for those of you wondering how this was going to work:

Turner andI show up at Zach's house where I would be introduced to his brother, Shawn. Zach and Shawn are both aware of each other's gayness, and they're fine with it--but they don't talk about it with anyone else--not even with their allegedly younger gay brother, Jon. Due to the fact that they're both in the closet, our double date was going to consist of us going to a bar and watching sports while secretly whispering to each other about how often we shave our stomachs.

That was the plan at least.

What actually ended up happening was that Turner and Zach got stuck in traffic, so I arrived at the house to find only Shawn there and nobody else.

Awkward, you say?

Just wait, I say.

We waited in the living room and had a nice little chat. Shawn was incredibly nervous about going out on a date. As much as I tease Turner about Zach, he was clearly better adjusted to being gay than Shawn was. He kept fidgeting and asking me the same questions over again, only to apologize profusely after he had done so. Appearance wise, he didn't look all that much like Zach. With the exception of a few noticeable mannerisms; you wouldn't even know they were brothers.

SHAWN: So...do you want to see my accordion?
ME: Is that some kind of euphamism?

He laughed, but I was serious. His brother is a drummer in a garage band, and he plays the accordion?

ME: Who are you? Weird Al?
SHAWN: You going to pick on me now?
ME: No, I think it's cute. I just can't believe someone whose afraid to admit he's gay is willing to say he plays the accordion.
SHAWN: You want to see or not?
ME: I am dying to see.

That was how, when Zach and Turner finally arrived, they found me on the living room sofa singing along--probably off-key--with Shawn, who was standing on the coffee table playing "Bella Notte" from Lady and the Tramp.

ME and SHAWN: ...Side by side with your loved ones...

Off to the side, I could hear Turner whisper to Zach--

TURNER: I think I won this one.

Shawn and Turner decided that maybe they preferred pizza at their house over beers at some dive. So we put on ESPN and waited for Domino's to arrive.

ME: So how did you guys find out that the other was gay?
SHAWN: How else?
ZACH: We found each other's porn stash.
TURNER and I: Ahhh...
ME: That must have been odd.
ZACH: We didn't talk about it for months.
SHAWN: Then he started borrowing stuff from my stash.
ZACH: That was when we had the talk.
SHAWN: By the way, you need to give me back that magazine you took.
ZACH: I didn't take any magazine.
SHAWN: Well, then--

ZACH and SHAWN: Jon.

Once we had eaten pizza and watched some television, Zach and Turner went back to his room to crash--cough cough have sex cough cough--while Shawn and I finished up the cheesy bread in the living room.

ME: So how was your first date with a guy, Shawn?
SHAWN: Um, it was okay. I'd maybe do it again.
ME: Oh yeah?
SHAWN: Yeah.
ME: You don't sound too enthused about that.
SHAWN: Well, I mean, I would do it again if it was with you.

Awww...C'mon that's cute. Closeted homosexual or no closeted homosexual.

I then put my arm around him and we kind of just slunk down on the couch and semi-fell asleep like that for about an hour until I realized I had work the next day and had to go. He walked me out and I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Plans were made for a second date.

I pushed a meatball towards him with my nose.

FRIEND: What?!?!
ME: Just wanted to see if you were paying attention?
FRIEND: Don't try to trick me, whore. I can hear a humingbird's wings flapping over the sound of a Tijuana poolboy in ecstasy.
ME: I'm going to let that image leave my head before it even finishes entering it.
FRIEND: So you like the accordion playing coward?
ME: He's not a coward.
FRIEND: Oh sure. He'll cuddle with you and watch ESPN, but will he have sex with you in front of six other guys?
ME: What does that have to do with anything?
FRIEND: Nothing; I'm just putting that out there.
ME: The truth is, I remember what it was like to be scared like that. Nervous. Paranoid. Thinking my parents would disown me. Thinking my friends wouldn't like me anymore.
FRIEND: Who said anything about telling your parents and friends? I would bury my parents alive before I'd let them know I like boys. I'm just saying if you can't walk into a bar, take your shirt off, and dance on the box to "Venus" by Bananarama--are you really free?

I think I flip-flop most of the time when it comes to the issue of guys being in the closet. Part of me thinks you should encourage people to come out, because most of the time it really is for the best, and another part of me thinks it's just better to shut up and let them do it on their own.

When I stopped by Brian's tupperware party after to see if he needed help cleaning up, he asked how I did.

ME: Let's just say I'm meeting the challenge.

Hey, maybe next time I'll get a polka.