Date #43: Clingy Dingy

There's one thing I always hate accusing guys of being:

Clingy.

I feel like guys only call other guys clingy when they're not all that interested in them to begin with, so the term shouldn't even exist.

Let me give you an example.

When a guy you don't like calls you twice in one day, you say--

"Oh my God, this guy won't leave me alone!"

When a guy who has a six pack and perfect hair calls you twice in one day, you say--

"Oh my God, he just called again! He's totally into me! Let me text him again so he knows that I'm still interested."

Let's face it, ladies and gentlemen, "clingy" is in the eye of the beholder.

My other favorite is the type of guy who likes mystery, so that when a guy is clingy, the mystery lover loses interest.

People, isn't one of the basic building blocks of a good relationship communication? If so, shouldn't that mean that the more a guy communicates with you the more likely you are to be able to develop something real with him?

I tend to prefer the life of the party as opposed to the wallflower in the corner, but hey, everyone has their preferences.

Now that I've soapboxed about how much I dislike the term "clingy," let me tell you about my date with the clingiest of the clingy.

I knew I was in trouble when he called four times before the date even began.

These were not calls to ask directions, or confirm meeting times, or even to figure out simple logistics--all that was squared away in the first phone call. These were just...check-ups, I guess you could call them.

Extra Phone Call #1:

CLINGY DINGY: So are you excited about tonight?
ME: Uh...yeah. It should be a lot of fun.
CLINGY DINGY: I know. What are you wearing?
ME: Now or tonight?
CLINGY DINGY: Tonight. (Laughs...loudly) Oh my God! Did you think I wanted to have phone sex that is so funny! Oh my God, do you do that?
ME: Um...no, not really. I mean, that wasn't what I was saying.
CLINGY DINGY: That's so hysterical. I bet you're really funny, huh?
ME: Well, I usually try not to make whoever I'm with shoot milk out of their nose if that's what you mean.
CLINGY DINGY: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my God, you're so priceless--in a cute kind of way.

Extra Phone Call #2:

CLINGY DINGY: Hey, do you have any food allergies or anything?
ME: No, not that I know of.
CLINGY DINGY: I just don't want to go somewhere where you might have an allergic reaction or anything.
ME: I should be okay. I've eaten at lots of different places.
CLINGY DINGY: That's cool. I'm glad you're so laidback. Some guys are just so uptight, you know? It's incredible how uptight some guys can be.
ME: Well, for the most part I'm pretty easygoing.
CLINGY DING: That's cool. (Pause.) That's cool.

Extra Phone Call #3:

CLINGY DINGY: So, what's up?
ME: Um...not much. Is everything okay?
CLINGY DINGY: I'm just bored.
ME: Where are you?
CLINGY DINGY: At work.
ME: They let you talk on the phone at work?
CLINGY DINGY: Whatever. Let the f**kers fire me. I'll sue their ass for discrimination.
ME: How would they be discriminating against you if they fired you for talking on the phone at work?
CLINGY DINGY: They'd be discriminating because I'm gay.
ME: Oh...
CLINGY DINGY: Get it?

Extra Phone Call #4:

CLINGY DINGY: I'm kind of hard right now.
ME: See you tonight. Bye.

I had to stop by Turner's apartment just to calm myself down before the date. If I were a drinker, I probably would have knocked back a few while I was there. Turner gave me yogurt with chocolate crunchies in it and offered to do the age-old job of friends everywhere.

TURNER: I can call twenty minutes after it starts and tell you that your Aunt Becky has just been attacked by a cougar.

My poor Aunt Becky--she's had meningitis, a brain tumor, gone through two fatal car accidents, and now a cougar.

ME: That's okay, Turner. I just need to face the music.

That's when Turner suggested the "Cling to the Ding" plan.

TURNER: Do you ever wonder what would happen to a clingy guy if he dated an even clingier guy?

Tell me this isn't the set-up for a very special episode of Frasier.

ME: You mean, I should out-cling him?
TURNER: Look, we've all been clingy at one point or another in our lives--and it's because we're more into someone than they are with us. So all you have to do is make yourself seem like the more interested person and then in turn this guy will become--
ME: Less interested.

Oh my God, it was so simple. Instead of acting uninterested and having this guy call me drunk at 3am once a month for the rest of my life, I could just pretend I really really like him and scare him off that way.

ME: Turner, you're a genius.

(Granted, this was one of the methods Kate Hudson used on Matthew McConaughey in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, but this was going to be a full frontal assault on Sir Calls-a-Lot.)

I showed up at the restaurant and the first thing I did was start to overcompliment.

ME: Oh my God, you look so hot.

CD was instantly thrilled. Little did he know I wasn't going to stop turning on the charm until the charm tub overflowed and poured into the downstairs neighbor's living room.

CD: You think so? Hot?
ME: Oh my God, so hot. Like--so hot. I can't believe how hot you are. Do people tell you you're hot all the time? Cause you really are.
CD: Um...thanks.

He was grinning from ear to ear, but already I could see that thought cross his mind:

Wow, this guy really likes me...why does he like me so much?

Then I started in with the questions.

ME: So do you like your job? What's your family like? Do you think I could meet them someday--like, if this goes well?

He was still smiling, but now cracks were showing.

Wait a second, I really liked this guy, he's thinking, why all of a sudden is he annoying me?

Then in came the "plans."

ME: I'm going to Florida sometime soon. You should totally come. It'll be great. I mean, I know we just met and all, but think how much fun it'll be. I'm going down there for three weeks. I mean, think how much we'll know about each other after three weeks!

Now I could see complete and total fear in his eyes. This guy was looking for the exit.

What a total freak! I mean, who the hell would like me this much? It's such a turn-off to be liked this much! I mean, if the guy's not going to be a challenge, what's the point?

ME: (In a whisper.) Not to freak you out or anything, but my dead ex-boyfriend looked just like you, and I thought he and I were like--soulmates.

I think it was at this point Clingy Dingy wished he had a friend to call him and tell him his Uncle Joey had just been taken out by the Indonesian mob. Unfortunately, it was clear he had previously never run into a situation similar to this one.

As soon as the check came, he was out of there. I'm not even sure he officially said good-bye, I think he might have just nodded in my direction and then bolted for the door.

Too bad, I still wanted to try out my "Did I mention I'm really attracted to Jeb Bush?" line.

FRIEND: Fucking genius.
ME: Not really. Although it was pretty funny.
FRIEND: And too much work. You should have just done what I do.
ME: Told him to fuck off and then drank until he became cute enough to screw?
FRIEND: Nooooo. Told him to fuck off, then drank until he became cute enough to screw, and then screwed his hot friend with the tongue ring.
ME: How does this have anything to do with him being clingy?
FRIEND: Honey, I don't ask the questions here.
ME: Thank God for small favors.

I called Clingy Dingy to thank him for a great time. He didn't answer me, but I did leave a message.

ME: I just wanted to say that you're like, the best guy I've ever dated. I totally want to--I don't know--marry you in Massachusetts or something.

That, my friends, is called the cherry on the sundae.