Date #47: Holiday Cheer

I know many of you are going to hate me for what I'm about to do.

And I accept that. I accept that and I welcome the hatred.

Even so, I would appreciate it if you would give me a chance.

(I'm also aware that I promised no special holiday entries, but what the hell, I need a little Christmas.)

So here's what I ask.

Download--or if on the off-chance you already own it, play--

"Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" by N'Sync.

I know many of you have probably already hit the little "x" on the top of your computer screen, and that's fine, but for those of you willing to stay with me on this one, press on.

This is a holiday story after all.

Once upon a time, Turner got dumped by Zach.

ME: Oh my gosh, that's awful.
BRIAN: No kidding. He hasn't done anything but sit in his room for the past three days and watch Latter Days over and over again.

We were lunching at the NC after an unsuccessful bout of holiday shopping. Neither Brian nor I can stand in line for more than ten minutes without feeling that it's not right that we have to wait to give people money. So we gave up after two stores and decided to take an early lunch and then try shopping for ourselves first to see if we could get into the buying mode before we started shopping for...you know...others.

ME: Shouldn't we do something?
BRIAN: Like what?
ME: I don't know. Take him out. Try cheering him up.
BRIAN: I tried that. He refuses to leave the apartment. He says if he goes out somewhere and sees Zach he'll have a complete breakdown.
ME: Zach's in the closet. Where would they run into each other? Linens and Things?
BRIAN: That didn't even make sense.
ME: I'll stop by tonight and try to shake him out of this funk.
BRIAN: By doing what?
ME: I don't know. I'll take him out on a date.
BRIAN: So you want to shake him out of a funk and into a severe, bottomless depression?
ME: I'll just do what Zach did for Kelly when she couldn't go to the school dance on Saved by the Bell.
BRIAN: You'll take him behind the auditorium and serve him pasta on a tiny table while his shirt falls off his shoulder like Jennifer Beal in Flashdance?
ME: Yeah, something like that.
BRIAN: Okay, but just a hint. You may want to avoid the name Zach at all costs.
ME: Good idea.

So instead of shopping for myself that day, I--the selfless wonder--shopped for pick-me-up items for a cheering-up date.

I arrived at the apartment at around 8pm wearing tight tanned pants, a nicely ironed shirt, and hair done in a swept-to-the-side, eat your heart out McDreamy kind of look.

Turner opened the door looking more like Samuel Powers than Kelly Kapowski. He was in his pajamas and it was clear he probably hadn't washed his hair--and perhaps other parts of himself--in at least a day or two.

TURNER: Kevin?
ME: Hey cutie, guess who's coming out with me tonight?

He looked behind him to see if Brian was home.

ME: No, no--you. You and I. We're going on a date.
TURNER: I'm not sure if Brian told me or not--
ME: The Z-Factor. I heard all about it, and I think you need some cheering up.
TURNER: I think I'm missing the big sex scene at the end of Latter Days.
ME: In the airport? Can I watch? I mean--get dressed. Well, get showered, then get dressed. We're going out.
TURNER: Kevin, I really just want to stay here.
ME: I know, but I'm your friend. And friends don't let friends mourn broken relationships alone.

Turner took a deep breath. I could see that inner gay man urge inside him to do himself up and then find a hot rebound to--um--rebound with!

TURNER: Give me twenty minutes.

And just like that, we were on our way. I took him to Cheesecake Factory for dinner where we were served by a lovely waitress--who was on her first day of training.

WAITRESS: Um...so...you want that without tomatoes?
ME: Yeah.
WAITRESS: Um...so...I'm not sure we can do that.
ME: Well, can you ask?
WAITRESS: Um...yeah...sure.

When the food came, it wasn't even close to what we ordered. What we ordered came on the second time around, but by that time it was cold. On time number three the food and temperature of food was correct, but by now we were so agitated and starving that the rest of the meal went by without me even getting Turner to crack a smile.

I wasn't worried though. I had a fool-proof plan for when we got back to Turner's apartment.

Once there, I had him wait outside the door for about five minutes while I popped a CD into his stereo and adjusted some of the decorations I'd had Brian put up for me before he went out that night.

There was a mini-Christmas tree on the coffee table in the living room next to a plate of chocolate chip cookies. On the couch were Mr. and Mrs. Santa Clause dolls. Hanging from Turner's doorway was holly and mistletoe. The place looked great.

I let Turner in just as the music started to play.

Go with me here, kids.

We've been waiting all year for this night
When the snow is glistening on the trees outside
And all the stockings are hung by the fire side

Turner was taken aback by all the holiday cheer surrounding him.

TURNER: Are you f**king kidding me?
ME: Turner!
TURNER: Kevin, I don't want to be reminded of the holidays. I'm going to be alone on the holidays! Why would I want to celebrate them? I just want them to pass!
ME: But--
TURNER: And N'Sync? You play N'Sync? You couldn't even play Mariah?
ME: I was just trying to cheer you up.
TURNER: Well thanks, I feel great. I had a four hour dinner and I come home to Santa's Village. Tell me something. If I go in my room am I going to find a giant elf that looks like Zach waiting for me?
ME: Did Brian call you and tell you about that?

With that, he stormed into his room and slammed the door.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

Okay, turn off the f**king song already.

I went home morbidly upset and pissed off. I knew Turner was hurting, but he had no reason to freak out on me like that.

The next day I was sitting at Nordstrom's Cafe waiting for Brian to show up, when a completely unexpected person slipped into the booth across from me.

(Okay, maybe not completely unexpected.)

TURNER: Hi.
ME: Hi.
TURNER: I asked Brian to invite you here and then not show up.
ME: Oh really? Why?
TURNER: Because I knew if I invited you, you wouldn't show.
ME: Uh huh.
TURNER: And I wouldn't blame you.
ME: Uh huh.
TURNER: I was a real asshole last night.
ME: Uh huh.
TURNER: You going to say--
ME: You were beyond an asshole. You were a...rhinoceros' asshole.
TURNER: Uh...all right. Yes, I was.
ME: ...Or something to that effect.

I could see he realized he'd been a prick, but I didn't get why he had done it.

TURNER: It's just--guys don't treat me nicely. They just don't. Probably because when they do, I don't know how to handle that. For some reason, I'm much better equipped to deal with jerks than I am with nice guys.
ME: So you're saying you're a great big girl?
TURNER: Pretty much.

I really wanted to stay angry, but I just couldn't. See, Turner came wearing an elf hat, which was incredibly cute. Cute kills my anger every time.

ME: Well, you need to work on that whole issue you've got. I'm not going to stick around while you continually date assholes.
TURNER: I know, I know. I promise that'll be my big New Year's resolution.
ME: Terrific.
TURNER: Along with making it up to you--you know, treating you that way.
ME: It's okay. Don't worry about it.
TURNER: No, it's really not okay. But no worries, I have a plan.
ME: Oh really? And what's this plan you speak of?
TURNER: Hmm...Well, it involves baked lasagna, a full body massage, and a little Mariah.
ME: Um...okay. Sounds--so wait, that's a little--I mean, we're--
TURNER: --Friends, right. I'm thinking maybe I want to change that. Thoughts?

All I want for Christmas is you...

Cue the little black girl from Love, Actually!

FRIEND: Aww, I love early Mariah, before she started screwing Piddy.
ME: You mean P.Diddy?
FRIEND: Whatever, they all look alike.
ME: Do you really have to be racist on Christmas?
FRIEND: Honey, that's my present to myself every year.
ME: So what do you think of the me and Turner idea?
FRIEND: I love it. I love where it's going, I love where it's been, I see a holiday special in the works--Two Queens and a Christmas Tree.
ME: Well, I guess we'll see how it all works out.
FRIEND: Just so we're clear, you're coming up on Date #50 and my Christmas gift from you this year better be some sort of major plot twist--not you screwing Burner under the Menorah.
ME: I'll see what I can do about that.

Speaking of, to celebrate the Big 5-O that's soon to be here, why don't y'all do me a favor?

Since I've spent half this year sharing with you some of my worst moments, I think it's time for a little tit-for-tat.

FRIEND: Who said "tit"? We don't do "tits" here!

Post some comments about the worst date you've ever been on and I'll deem a winner for Worst Date I've Ever Heard (Winner gets a gift certificate to Pizza Hut).

And don't hold back. After all, the holidays is about giving.

Smile