Date #53: The Line

Answer the following survey.

(Girls, you might be a little alienated here.)

Cut or Uncut?
Top, Bottom, or Vers?
Boxers, Briefs, or 2xist? (They’re their own breed.)

It seems like everyone has their prefences.

And then people have their lines.

Danny found mine while we were out at Johnny Rockets for a late-night, impromptu, high-calorie feast. We were talking about turn-ons and turn-offs.

DANNY: I’m a big fan of getting thrown up on.
ME: You’re so sick.

But I was laughing.

DANNY: It just does something to me to have someone become physically ill all over me.
ME: That might happen in the next couple of minutes if you keep this up.
DANNY: Okay, what about you?
ME: I prefer to have cottage cheese dumped on top of me.
DANNY: No, seriously, come on. Any dirty little hidden fetishes?
ME: Asks the boy who works in the porn store.
DANNY: As if you’re not curious about mine.
ME: I hate to disappoint you, Danny Boy, but I don’t have any skeletons in my closet.
DANNY: Yeah right.

It’s actually true. Although I’m fairly open-minded, there’s nothing that distinct about my sexual desires. I guess I’m just a meat and potatoes kind of guy—you know, like when you’re in a bathtub filled with meat and potatoes and someone is pouring gravy on top of you while they…never mind.

ME: So what’s yours?
DANNY: Oh, I don’t have any skeletons.
ME: Bull. Don’t cop out on me just because I’m not perverse like you.
DANNY: But you’re interested in my perversions?
ME: Well of course. I live my life vicariously through twisted, demented people.

Danny laughed and then tilted his head in that way that means—

An admission is coming.

DANNY: I like to be watched.

Anyone else’s head go right to Being There? Where my Cinebuffs at?

I just kind of stared at him realizing that he had pressed a really bad button to press. Like I said, I’m pretty open-minded, but I draw the line at one issue: Voyeurism.

DANNY: I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you would be so offended.

I realized I had subconsciously done the “ew” face without wanting to. I didn’t want Danny to know he pushed my buttons so soon after we had just started going on dates. He would think there were many other buttons, and there aren’t! Aside from screwing farm animals and showing my ass on Youtube, I’m as wild a stallion as they come.

ME: Truthfully, I’m a little put off by that, but that doesn’t mean I’m put off by you.
DANNY: It really bothers you that much?
ME: Well…yeah. But I mean, that’s just a little quirk you have. It’s not like you’d actually expect me to engage in it with you, right?
DANNY: Um…not right away.

Oh Christ…

ME: So it’s something you do regularly?
DANNY: I don’t know why, but for some reason it’s the only thing that can bring me to a complete orgasm.
ME: Whoa, Danny Boy, we’re in Johnny Rockets, not Dr. Freud’s House of Burgers.
DANNY: Ironically enough, I’ve been to a therapist about it. It’s ruined a lot of my relationships.
ME: And what did the therapist say?
DANNY: She said find someone you can be in a relationship with who likes being watched while they have sex.
ME: You’re kidding. What shrink would say that?
DANNY: She saw it as a harmless preference.
ME: Yes, but it’s also a preference a lot of people are going to have a problem with, don’t you think?
DANNY: Oh, believe me, I know. But I can either go do aversion therapy like some kind of naughty Mormon or I can just give in to it. So…I usually give in.

I give up.

DANNY: The person watching is usually someone I trust very much. I don't just do it with strangers.
ME: Couldn't you just TIVO it for him and have him watch it in the privacy of his own home?
DANNY: That kind of takes the fun out of it.
ME: Yeah, I figured that.

The fact that he works in a porn store isn’t enough of a rare abnormality. He also has to star in his own three-person sexual reality show—that I was about to be voted out of.

BRIAN: So he’s into threeways?
ME: No, that’s the worst part. He mentioned that to me hoping it would soothe my fears, but I’m actually not all that opposed to three-ways. I just don’t like having someone watch me.

We were going over my date with Danny at the NC while returning all the Christmas gifts we didn’t want. Brian was returning so much I kept wondering if he actually even bothered opening the presents anymore.

BRIAN: So you’ll have sex with more than one guy, you just don’t want someone standing there doing nothing?
ME: Exactly.
BRIAN: I don’t get it.
ME: I’m very self-conscious about certain things—one of which being how my body looks with no clothes on. If I’m with someone and we’re fooling around; he’s in the same position that I am. No pun intended.
BRIAN: Continue.
ME: But if someone’s standing there, fully clothed, just watching—it’s like I’m in the Olympics or something and he’s the judge.
BRIAN: So you’re saying you’re not always confident you can nail the landing?
ME: I’m saying that when I don’t feel like I can turn in a decent performance; I don’t want the Emmy voters sitting in the audience.
BRIAN: We have way too many metaphors going on here.

I decided to seek out familiar ground.

ME: Don’t you have a line? Something you won’t do or that you’re not into?
BRIAN: Feet.
ME: Feet?
BRIAN: I don’t do feet. Don’t put them near me. Don’t expect me to touch them. If someone suggests I suck on their toes, there’s a good chance I’m going to vomit.
ME: What if they’re into you vomiting?
BRIAN: What?
ME: Never mind.

It was time to go back to the source. I went to visit Danny at work in the hope that maybe we could come to some kind of compromise. Maybe if the guy watching was also required to be naked, or if he was made to stand behind a two-way mirror—then it wouldn’t be so bad.

Maybe it seems silly to be worrying so much about this, but the fact is, sexual discomfort breaks up most couples without them even realizing it. You become bored, or unsatisfied, or you’re just into something your partner is not into and BAM! You’re on Bedford Street looking for cigarettes and cheap thrills. Before anything got going with Danny, I needed to straighten this out.

Danny was working behind the counter at the store when I got there. Normally, I’m not big on visiting guys at work, but he insisted since this time of year is apparently bad for the sex toys and videos industry and so he usually has nothing to do at work besides crossword puzzles (see, we are compatible in some ways).

When he saw me, he smiled, and I thought, oh there has to be a way to work this out. He’s just so cute. His co-worker—a big beefy guy who reminded me of a white version of Mr. T was standing next to him chuckling when I approached. He had a ring through his nose and through both eyebrows, and his head was mostly shaved except for a strip down the middle. He looked to be about forty-one.

ME: Hey.
DANNY: Hey. I haven’t introduced you to Rocco yet, have I?
ME: Um, no. Hi.
ROCCO: Hey.

He made a little clicking sound with his tongue. I’m not sure what that meant, but I’m pretty sure it was Bear for “Like your earlobes.”

DANNY: I invited him to hang out with us tonight.
ME: What?
DANNY: You know, we were going to watch a movie.
ME: Yeah, well, hey—the more the merrier I guess.

I didn’t realize what I said until I said it.

ROCCO: That’s always been my philosophy.

He made the clicking sound again, winked, and headed into the back. I promptly cancelled my date with Danny.

It’s one thing to have people watch, but you should at least check them for Hepatitis first.

FRIEND: So video store boy likes to make his own videos? That’s hot.
ME: I’m really disappointed. I really liked this guy.
FRIEND: Then suck it up, set up the tripod, and start doing him.
ME: Does tripod have a double meaning there?
FRIEND: I’m sorry, what? I was looking for the volume button on my tv.
ME: You’re watching that video I got you for Christmas?
FRIEND: Honey, I love it. Did Porno Boy give you a company discount?
ME: I didn’t ask for one.
FRIEND: Are you crazy? Always get the discount! Why do you think I blow all those Gap boys?
ME: Because you’re into gays in retail?
FRIEND: I am. A boy who knows how to fold properly is a boy after my own heart.

Danny’s called a couple of times. I think he wants to apologize for inviting Iron Man to the slumber party, but truthfully, I could get over that. It’s knowing that we’d never really be on the same wavelength that bothers me.

So I answer the call, I explain, and that’s that.

Not the best way to start off a year, but I’ve got a new resolution on my hands.

Find that boy before Date #100—Giggity, giggity.

Smile.