Date #54: Robbing the Cradle

I'm so so very sorry.

I have done nothing but apologize to nobody in particular for the past twenty-four hours because every single part of me feels dirty--and not in a good way.

Let's start with the cliche.

ME: I swear to God he looked like he was 27.
BRIAN: Kevin, no...

I was eating a guilt-sandwich at the NC--served on a French roll.

ME: Brian, I would never--
BRIAN: That's what all the creeps say, right before they pull you into the van.
ME: I still don't understand how he got in the bar.

I went out to a bar with Turner and there he was--the hottest guy in the place. A few years older than me, probably 27, not talking to anyone and looking for a friend.

That should have been a tip-off.

BRIAN: Now what makes you say he looked 27? Why not 26 or 28?
ME: He just had a very 27 look about him.
BRIAN: What does 27 look like?
ME: It looks like I'm past the dumb mistakes of my early twenties, but I'm not in my thirties yet so nothing's started to wrinkle.
BRIAN: Don't make fun of the thirty-year-olds, you're going to be that old one day.
ME: So are you.
BRIAN: Please, I'll take my own life first.

Turner convinced me to talk to him. He made sure just enough buttons were undone and that my hair gel hadn't melted into my thick Italian head, and then he shoved me towards the guy with a pat on the ass for good luck.

BRIAN: And immediately nothing about him strikes you as being immature?
ME: Oh no. He was well-aware that he looks older, and he knows how to work it, believe me.

I said hello, and pretty soon we were deep into the topic of how pretentious the movie Babel is and how we saw way more deaf-suicidal-underaged asian girl vagina than we needed to. He mentioned how his film teacher hated it too.

BRIAN: He said teacher or professor?
ME: Teacher, which yes, should have been a hint, but I assumed professor, because I mean, how many people actually take film studies in high school?
BRIAN: I did.
ME: Fuck off.
BRIAN: So why didn't you take that opportunity to ask him if he was a film major?

It's hard to explain, but since I've graduated from college, I've become wary of letting people knw that I'm out of college, because--well--that means you're old right? At some level. You've graduated from college, and even if you're in a masters degree program--which I'm not--you've reached a threshold in your life. So, assuming that this guy was probably still in college--making him younger than I thought, maybe a little younger than me, I didn't want to bring up that I was through with school.

BRIAN: You're manic and unconvincing. Continue.
ME: Unconvincing?
BRIAN: Clearly you wanted the boy and didn't want to see what was standing right in front of you.
ME: Again, he's in a bar after midnight.
BRIAN: Whatever, Rip Get-in-My-Van Winkle. Keep the story moving.

In my defense, Turner was also fooled. I went over to him for a little mid-convo pep talk.

TURNER: Kev, he's really cute.
ME: I know! I don't want to screw this up.
TURNER: It looks like you're doing fine. He's laughing--
ME: Yeah, that's not always good. Some guys hate being amused.
TURNER: Don't be ridiculous.
ME: I'm not! People want to date the mysterioso, not the humoroso.
TURNER: Before you do a breakdown of comedia for me, why don't you go buy him a drink.

Yup, that's right. I committed an illegal act that night, kids. I bought him a drink, which he drank, and we talked some more.

Then he told me he had to get going and asked me if I could walk him to his car. I said sure, and when we got there, he proceeded to push me up against said car and make out with me for a good five minutes. I was all smiles until he said the magic words--

"Oh shit, is that a dent?"

He was looking at the rear driver's side door of the car and when he noticed a small indentation on it, he freaked.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

A guy whose into his car--kind of hot. I told him it would be fine and that it probably wouldn't be that much to fix. Someone had probably parked next to him and opened their door against the car or something. Still, it was nothing to--

HIM: You don't understand! This is my mother's car!
ME: Why are you using your mom's car?
HIM: Because I don't have my own yet. I've only been driving for a month.

Say it with me now.

BRIAN: Na-who-what-what?

I looked at him, and he could see that I was a little perturbed by this, but he was clearly more perturbed about the thought of his mother killing him.

HIM: Um...see...I'm really not even supposed to be driving by myself yet.
ME: What? Why not?
HIM: I only have a learner's permit.
ME: Oh my God, are you--? I mean, are you sixteen?
HIM: Um...you can be fifteen and ten months to get a learner's permit.
ME: You're fifteen and ten months?
HIM: No! Fifteen and eleven months. Remember when I said I'd been driving for a month? My birthday's next month.

Well let me be the first to say, Happy Birthday, and thank you for almost putting me in jail. I walked away from him, not wanting to take the chance of a policeman walking by and putting me in jail for pulling an R.Kelly.

BRIAN: So that ended that.
ME: Oh, it gets better. He called me today. I forgot I had given him my phone number.

VOICEMAIL--Hey Kev, my mom didn't even notice the dent. So no worries. Um, I'm sorry for not telling you my age right away, but I knew you wouldn't be happy if you knew. Anyway, sixteen is totally legal in Rhode Island, so if you want to hang out next month--after my birthday--just call me.

Yeah, I'll pass on that.

FRIEND: Honey, as Wanda Sykes says, if you can't find a good man--
ME: --Raise one. I know, but I don't think so.
FRIEND: I have the opposite problem with the guys I meet. They tell you they're 24, and it turns out to be all smoke, mirrors, and bad lighting.
ME: It's just so weird to me that there's actually a whole generation out there now that I'm too old to date. Remember when everyone was older than you?
FRIEND: You mean when I was born?
ME: No, but--when you were always the younger guy--no matter what. Remember how that felt?
FRIEND: It felt like every guy either shut me down because I was too young or was into me because I was too young, which is just as bad.
ME: That's what you know now, but--
FRIEND: I didn't say I didn't like it!
ME: It just felt weird having to turn someone down because I'm too old for them. Because a keyword in that sentence is 'old.'
FRIEND: Honey, you're only as old as the person you're dating. So go find a nice forty-year-old to buy you presents and take you to shows, and you'll feel a lot better.

And strangely enough, I did...

To Be Continued...