Date #61: Off the Table

I was asked out on a date awhile back by this guy Ivan.

VOICEMAIL: Hey, it's Ivan. I know Thanksgiving's coming up and all, but if you wanted to hang out sometime before the holiday or afterwards, let me know.

Yeah, that far back.

Somehow I just never got around to calling him back. I don't know why. He was someone worth getting excited about, but there was just a lot going on at the time...I think...or maybe I was just dragging my feet. Who knows.

And without being a stalker, he let me know that he was keeping me in mind.

VOICEMAIL: Hey, it's Ivan. I know Christmas is coming up and all, but I'm not really close with family so aside from the big day, I'll have some free time if you need to go shopping together or something.

Two voice-mails and that was it. But as I was scrolling through my phone the other day, I realized--"Hey, I never called that guy back. Why didn't I?"

So I did. And he answered. We got to talking. The talking went well. And a date was set.

BRIAN: Sounds like a good deal. Does this guy have V-Day potential?
ME: At this point, a distant cousin would have V-Day potential.

Brian and I were enjoying lunch at the NC. The place was packed with couples--most of whom seemed to be on first dates of some kind. People were clearly trying to squeeze some dates into the early days of February so that the first date wouldn't be the V-Date. As sweet as it might be to have your anniversary be a notable romantic holiday, the pressure is enough to make you want to eat eight cadbury eggs and claim you're too fat for daylight.

BRIAN: I have no idea what I'm doing on that day.
ME: Are you going out with Connor or do you just want to stay in and paint your room?
BRIAN: Ha ha. For your information, I solved the paint problem.
ME: Oh yeah? How?
BRIAN: Posters. Posters everywhere.
ME: You call that a solution?
BRIAN: Not for the bigger "I never want to settle" problem, no. But at least now I can quit sleeping on the sofa in the living room.
ME: You avoided the Connor issue.
BRIAN: I'm always avoiding the Connor issue.
ME: Why do you think that is?
BRIAN: Because he's looking for a boyfriend and I'm not ready to be a boyfriend yet.
ME: And do you ever see yourself being ready?
BRIAN: Yes, when all my friends are ready--and taken.
ME: What?

Since I'm a gay man, I might as well equate what Brian's saying through musical terms. So, in the musical Company this guy--Bobby--has all these married friends who consistently try to get him married, even though they're all miserable. Why would they want him to get married when they're miserable being married, you ask. Well, the point of the show is that the married people realize they're going to stay and die married--and miserable, so they figure the only way they can cope with it is if they make everyone else as miserable as they are. Sounds morbid? Welcome to the glorious world of Sondheim.

BRIAN: I just can't be taken with all these single people around me--you, Turner.
ME: Hey, I will not be single forever.
BRIAN: Anyway, it'll drive me crazy. I'll feel trapped. I'll feel old--like my youth has been ripped from me.
ME: Like a premature baby from the womb?
BRIAN: Huh?
ME: Sorry, I rode by some pro-lifers demonstrating on the way here.
BRIAN: It's one thing to be the single friend when all your friends are taken. You feel lonely at first. Then you have amazing sex with two different guys in one week and you're like, 'God, I'm so glad I'm single.' And you're fine.

Oh, those foolish monogamists.

BRIAN: But if everyone around me was taken--
ME: You know you could always just get all new coupled friends.
BRIAN: Yeah right, like I'd want to hang out with those people. They're freaks.
ME: Cheers to that.

And we toasted our Sprites and ate our chicken.

That night at dinner, Ivan and I were having a great time. I apologized for delaying the date for so long. He seemed apprenhensive about discussing it at first, and then appeared to just dive in with what he was about to say.

IVAN: Look, I probably shouldn't have agreed to this date without talking to you about this first, but--um--I'm seeing someone.
ME: I--oh...

What is this? Time number four this has happened?

IVAN: So dating is kind of off the table, but friendship is definitely on.
ME: On the table?
IVAN: Yeah.
ME: Oh good.

Oh Christ...

PAYE: Feel the Frank Loesser, boys and girls!

Turner and I were attending Paye's dance for musical theater six-week session. We thought it would be fun and filled with hot gay dancin' dans, but it was really just a bunch of girls and two snobby Fosse gays who happened to be dating. Whenever they weren't looking Turner and I would whisper "Snobby gay" to each other and strike a pose. Once, Fosse Gay #1 caught us and gave us a look that could melt Gwen Verdon.

Paye walked over to us to see how our Guys and Dolls combo was coming.

PAYE: How are the mobsters coming along?
ME: We're thinking of turning ourselves in.
TURNER: Paye, I thought this class was going to be fun?
PAYE: You're not having fun?
TURNER: I'm thinking of killing Miss Adelaide.
PAYE: Keep at it, ladyboys.
ME and TURNER: Fuck off.

He went to check on some of the "Bushel and a Peck" girls.

TURNER: So dating's off the table?
ME: Completely off the table.
TURNER: Why did he even agree to the date?
ME: Because I think he's still kind of intrigued by me.
TURNER: Well, who wouldn't be? You're captivating.
ME: Ha ha. I think it just must be really tough to be taken. Knowing that all other possibilities are completely gone.
TURNER: He's taken. He's not dead--or married, which is pretty much the same thing.
ME: If it's so awful to be taken, why am I trying so hard to get that way?
TURNER: You tell me. I'm having lots of fun lately.

I halted in mid-"Luck Be a Lady."

TURNER: I've just been...sort of bad...recently.
ME: How bad?
TURNER: Like...bad.
ME: Like Brian Kinney bad or like Ted having the meth addict over bad?
TURNER: I've been hooking up with Gary.

Na-who-what-what?

(See Date #58: Wonderwall.)

TURNER: It just sort of happened. He came over. We were watching Latter Days.
ME: Airport sex scene?
TURNER: You know it.
ME: Continue.
TURNER: One thing led to another, and it's been leading to another every night this week.

Paye clapped his hands.

PAYE: Moving on to "Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat" combo.

I whispered to Turner.

ME: We're discussing this later.
TURNER: Snobby gay.

We struck a pose.

That night, the phone rang. I was anticipating an unwanted call from Ivan--the call was unwanted, but not from Ivan.

SCOOTER: What are you wearing?
ME: A cardigan and handcuffs.
SCOOTER: I'll be right over.
ME: What do you want Scooter?
SCOOTER: I thought we'd talk about our little kiss.
ME: Which one of those poorly decided upon kisses did you want to talk about?
SCOOTER: Why are you always fighting me on this?
ME: Scooter, I'm getting another call, I have to go.
SCOOTER: I jerked off to you today.
ME: God, I feel honored. Can I thank the Academy?
SCOOTER: You want me.
ME: You're gross.
SCOOTER: Kiss kiss.
ME: Good-bye.

I clicked over to the other line.

ME: Hello?
IVAN: Hi, it's Ivan.
ME: Oh, hey.
IVAN: I had a lot of fun on our date the other night.
ME: Me too.
IVAN: No, you didn't.
ME: You're right. I didn't. I was a little disappointed; I'm not going to lie.
IVAN: Yeah, to be honest, I'm a little disappointed too.

Red flag.

ME: Oh really?
IVAN: Yeah, I mean, I really like the guy I've been seeing, but now I can't help but think that maybe I rushed into it a little.
ME: Oh...
IVAN: Only because we really hit it off, and I just wish that I had gotten the chacne to meet you before--
ME: Well, that was way more my fault than yours.

Oh God, what are you doing? Are you apologizing? How did you wind up apologizing?

IVAN: It's cool; it just sucks.
ME: You're in a happy committed relationship. It doesn't suck.
IVAN: Yeah...I guess.
ME: And friendship's still on the table.
IVAN: I just wish other stuff was too.

Hang up the phone, hang up the phone, hang up the phone--

ME: I have to go. It was nice talking to you, Ivan.
IVAN: You too. Can I cal you again?

Say 'No! We'll have sex like rabbits! Bad, adulterous, rabbit sex!'

ME: Sure. Call whenever you like.
IVAN: Great. Later.

I collapsed and threw the phone on a nearby pillow. It's not so much that I just had a taken guy tell me he's unhappy; it's that lately everyone's been making being taken sound like a prison sentence rather than a blissful state of mutual existence.

FRIEND: You're right. It's like OZ with less a** sex.
ME: You mean with more a** sex?
FRIEND: Honey, Tobias got f**ked way more times than anyone I know in a relationship.
ME: So then why am I doing all this?
FRIEND: Because it's what everyone wants. We just all want it at the same time so we're never tempted to stray.
ME: But that's impossible.
FRIEND: Exactly. That's why I treat boys like music. Why go to the store and shop for it when I can download it illegally, listen to it for a week, and then delete it off my IPOD.
ME: People are not meant to be treated like pop music. You can't just--
FRIEND: Sorry, honey, what was that? I had my "Lollipop" song on and Mika's making Daddy go over the speed limit.
ME: Okay well--
FRIEND: GET OFF THE ROAD, YOU OLD #$%^!
ME: I'll just let you go.
FRIEND: Okay, honey. Love you. Make good choices.

It just makes me wonder. What if I get to Date #100...and it doesn't fee like the end?