Date #88: The United Front

Let it be known that too much of anything is never a good thing.

Even friends.

Turner was preparing for his first big run-in with Gary at a club.

TURNER: I've got to strategize about this.

A group of us were over Dwight's house watching Little Children (and by Little Children, I mean a tape of the Hairspray cast on Oprah--there was no chance of us actually sitting through Little Children--despite how much love I have for Patrick Wilson in that movie.)

ME: How does one strategize about running into someone?
TURNER: I need a United Front.
BRIAN: Beg your pardon?
TURNER: I need to bring lots of people with me so it'll look like I've moved on with my life.
BRIAN: Because clearly you haven't?

Turner was recently starting to show some pep again, but the thought of seeing Gary had set him back about three cartons of B&J's.

ME: So how does one create a United Front?
NICK: Is it like a posse?
DWIGHT: How do you get to be in the United Front?
SCOOTER: Is ass-kicking involved?
TURNER: Let me explain.

A United Front is pretty much like it sounds, although in theory, it's a little bit more like papering an event. You see, what happens is that you know someone you know who (usually an ex who you lfet on bad terms with) is going to be somewhere, and you get a bunch of people to show up with you (like a posse, or an entourage) and make it look like you are just Mr. Party. The trick to a United Front is that you don't actually enter with everyone you invite. You enter with a sizable group and then everyone else you invited stagger in throughout the night.

BRIAN: And the point of that is?
TURNER: So that all night people are coming up to you and saying hi and whatnot.
ME: Sounds brilliant. I'm in. I even have a plus one.

An old buddy of mine--Mac--was coming home after graduating from college in the Midwest and he asked if he could take me out. Despite my theory about dates and clubs, I thought, Eh, why not? It's summer. Time to live a little.

NICK: I'll go. I can even call up some of my buddies.
BRIAN: You have buddies?
NICK: You don't think I spend all my time waiting for you motherf**kers to pick up the phone and call, do you?
DWIGHT: I can bring some guys from Log Cabin.
ME: Nobody from the orgy.
SCOOTER: Boo.
TURNER: Scooter, you can bring some people, right?
SCOOTER: Turner, man, I have you so covered.

That's when we should have started worrying.

The first wave arrived at the club at 11pm. The first wave was not to include Turner. Brian, Mac, and I were to arrive first so that we could set the scene for Turner's big entrance at 11:30. The second wave comprised of Nick and his friends was going to arrive at 11:15.

Can you believe they don't let gays in the army?

As soon as I got to the club, I spotted Gary. He was there with a really cute guy and they appeared to be really happy to be there with each other.

We were going to have to do this mother up.

Mac had been really cool with regards to the whole "Hey, you wanna be in a United Front" thing. He even offered to wear army fatigues, but I thought that might make him look like he was planning to blow up the club rather than consume it.

MAC: Gary looks pretty happy.
BRIAN: And that guy is pretty cute.
ME: He's not Turner.
BRIAN: No, Turner's shorter and his arms aren't that impressive.
ME: Brian!
BRIAN: Just putting it out there.

The guy looked like your typical dumb jock type. He was also not listening to anything Gary said to him. Every once in awhile his eyes would land on Gary and he'd laugh at whatever Gary had just said, but he clearly was more interested in who else might show up than who he was with at the moment.

That, I thought, could work to our advantage.

ME: We might need to change the game plan a little.

I texted Turner.

TEXT: EAGLE HERE WITH HOTTIE.
TEXT FROM TURNER: :O(
TEXT: NO :O( HOTTIE NOT INTERESTED
TEXT FROM TURNER: :O)
TEXT: I THINK HE MIGHT WANT TO BAIL
TEXT FROM TURNER: SHOULD WE?
TEXT: UP 2 U
TEXT FROM TURNER: LET'S FO IT.
TEXT: YOU MEAN DO IT?
TEXT FROM TURNER: YEAH
TEXT: OKAY! :O)

I caught the boys up on the plan.

MAC: So we're actually going to try and get this guy to abandon Gary?
ME: Hey, Gary walked out on Turner and now it's a little over a month and he's looking to suck face with some airhead at a club in front of everyone.
BRIAN: Everyone being all the people we invited here tonight.
ME: Whatever, point is, if he wants to jump back into the dating pool, he might as well learn now that there are some hot friggin' fish to compete with in there.
MAC: Good metaphor.
ME: Thank you.

The second wave arrived.

Nick had brought a decent amount of poeple with him--I'd say seven or eight. And with that number we had already pretty much overtaken the dance floor since it was only 11:15 and the club doesn't even pick up until 11:30.

Everyone was instructed to run back and forth to each other asking, "When's Turner going to get here?" and "Has anyone seen Turner?"

(Just imagine the waiter scene from Hello Dolly! with Turner as Carol Channing.)

MAC: Did you ever consider what would happen if Gary heard all this and decided to leave?
NICK: Then we could have the club to ourselves and this stupid United Front thing would be finished.
ME: Hey! We're Turner's support system here! Show a little team spirit.
BRIAN: Is there where you say 'Hoo-Wah!'?
ME: Don't test me.

At 11:30, I saw a large group of people entering the club...

...Let me rephrase that. I saw a pack, a herd, and a gaggle.

I had no idea Turner had these kind of connections.

Then I saw who was leading the pagglerd.

SCOOTER: How's this for a Front?

I grabbed Scooter and dragged him upstairs.

SCOOTER: What's your issue, Broccoli?
ME: First off, yelling out that we're a Front in front of Gary--not a good idea.
SCOOTER: Okay, point taken.
ME: Secondly, who the hell are all those people?
SCOOTER: You said to round up some people.
ME: We said 'some people' not the Class of 2007!

We ran back downstairs to find that you couldn't even move across the floor. That's how crowded it was. And of course, Scooter hadn't briefed his people as well as Nick had, so they were saying things like--

"Who's this dude Turner we're supposed to meet?" and "Anybody got any coke?"

It wasn't until 11:40 that I realized Turner hadn't even showed up yet.

I texted him.

TEXT: WHERE R U?!?!?!?!?
TEXT FROM TURNER: DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS
TEXT: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TEXT FROM TURNER: I'M SORRY
TEXT: TURNER!
TEXT FROM TURNER: IT'S TOO HARD
TEXT: WE'LL TALK L8TER

I broke the news to everyone.

ME: Turner's not coming.
BRIAN: You're kidding.
MAC: Why not?
ME: He can't face Gary.
NICK: He wouldn't have to. I can't even see him anymore with all these people.
BRIAN: Should we have the D.J. make an announcement? Some of these people look like they weren't informed that this was a gay club.
SCOOTER: Hey, I did what I had to do, man!
MAC: We could always try to go get him and bring him here ourselves.
ME: No way. By the time we got to where he is and back, the club would be closed.
BRIAN: So what do we do?
ME: We say hi to the Republicans.

The last wave--included Dwight and the Right Wingers--had just walked into the club.

Dwight's people had been better prepped than anyone. I guess Dwight must have gotten into the theatrical spirit, because it was like they were putting on some sort of pagaent. As soon as they started walking by me I could hear--

"I hear this guy Turner is really hot." and "When I meet this boy Turner, he is getting some major play."

ME: Way to go, Dwight. You really delivered. The Republicans are working it.
DWIGHT: Oh, none of these guys are Republicans.
ME: Huh?
DWIGHT: They're from my high school drama club. They were all getting together tonight for a mini-reunion and when I got the facebook invite I decided to ask them for a favor.
ME: And they said yes?
DWIGHT: Are you kidding? If they had had more time they probably would have went out and shopped for costumes.

At that point, one guy walked by me and said--"Where is that hunk? I want to scrub him up then hose him down."

DWIGHT: He's straight by the way.
ME: I could tell by the way he said 'hose.'

I will say this for the evening--it was certainly eventful--minus the actual event it had been intended for of course.

At the end of the night when everyone was filing out, Gary walked up to me.

GARY: Hey Kev.
ME: Hey Gary, how are you?
GARY: Pretty good. How are you?
ME: Oh, I'm beat. I did more today before 11pm then...um, never mind. Where's your friend?
GARY: He took off with some kid who said he was going to lick him--or something.
ME: Sorry.
GARRY: No biggie. He was just a friend anymore--and kind of a moron.
ME: Yeah, I could tell.
GARY: So...no Turner tonight?
ME: Nah, he didn't feel like coming out.
GARY: Gotcha. Well, have a good night.

He started to walk away.

ME: Um, is that it?
GARY: What?
ME: You're not going to ask how he's doing?
GARY: Is it bad that I don't really care how he's doing?
ME: Well--yes. You two did date after all.
GARY: I'm kind of all set with that.

Um, is it bad that I then wanted to punch him in the teeth?

ME: Wow, when did you turn to stone?
GARY: Okay, if we're going to do this, I'm just going to leave.
ME: We're not going to do anything. I just think it's dick that you suddenly disown someone and don't have any problem with it. Someone you used to be really close to.
GARY: Well we can't all be sentimental saps, Kevin.

Okay, gloves off.

ME: You're right. Some of us are human.
GARY: You have no idea the things he said to me the night we broke up.
ME: I don't care. People make mistakes. People screw up. You're not going to get to write off everybody who hurts you, Gary. And if you do, you're just going to wind up alone.
GARY: Thanks for the advice, pal.
ME: Anytime, dickhead.

I started to walk away. Mac and Nick met me halfway.

MAC: Kev, you okay?
ME: I'm fine.

I heard Gary from behind me.

GARY: You don't know it all, Kevin. You may think you do, but you don't.

I should have just kept walking, but I couldn't.

ME: I know that as messed up as I may be, I'm never going to be like you. And that's a comfort, Gary.
BRIAN: And by the way, your shirt looks like a science project gone wrong! Horribly, horribly wrong!

Mac and I dropped off Brian, and then wound up back in front of Mac's house where it was clear that I was really upset.

MAC: I guess it's a good thing Turner didn't show up tonight, huh?
ME: To see that asshole? Yeah.
MAC: Can I ask why you're so upset?
ME: It's just...Turner's the nicest guy I know. I mean, he's the closest thing to a genuinely good person that I know of, and...for someone to cut him off like that...just for what? An argument? A couple harsh words? I mean, I've screwed up so much worse than that--I've done things and said things that are way worse. And I guess I just always thought that--
MAC: That people would give you another chance?
ME: Yeah.
MAC: Not everyone's that forgiving.
ME: So everyone screws up but not everyone can forgive?
MAC: Welcome to the great paradox of life.

Gah.

I called Turner to see how he was doing. Apparently he'd stayed in all night looking at old photos of him and Gary. He asked me if I thought he was pathetic, and I honestly answered, "No." I said that everyone's entitled to a night of remembering when the people you love loved you back and when you were the happiest. As long as you remember that those times will come again in a different form, you're fine.

Right?

FRIEND: I often look back on photos of me when I was skinny and weep.
ME: You weigh a hundred pounds.
FRIEND: Exactly. I can't even fit in my skinny jeans anymore.
ME: The ones from Baby Gap?
FRIEND: Yeah, those. I wish I could have seen your little Front.
ME: I still feel good about it. I think it's important to create a support system for people you love.
FRIEND: A support system full of gays, skanks, drunks, and drama club alumni?
ME: Hey, you take help wherever you can get it.

Before we got off the phone, Turner and I had this exchange:

TURNER: Just tell me one thing--
ME: That guy wasn't even close to as amazing as you are.
TURNER: I was going to ask if Gary said anything about me?

And whether or not it was the right thing to do, I answered--

"No, Turner. He didn't say anything about you at all."

Hey, nobody said it was easy putting up a United Front.