Date #86: Video Killed the Date

It really is amazing what some people are into, isn't it?

I got asked out on a date with a guy named Brock, who seemed to be normal to the point of boredom. It wasn't until I mentioned him to Brian that I got an earful about him.

BRIAN: He's into taping.
ME: Like duct taping?
BRIAN: No, Hawking, he likes to get guys on film.

This revelation came over sesame chicken at the N.C.

ME: Does he tell the guys?
BRIAN: Not usually. They have to find out by seeing a new post on x-tube.
ME: Can't he get into trouble for that?
BRIAN: I think the people who really care complain and then he takes those videos off, but he still keeps them nonetheless.
ME: I can't believe that. I can't even believe you're talking about the guy who asked me out.
BRIAN: This state breeds all kinds of weirdos.
ME: Well forget it. No way am I going out on a date with him now.
BRIAN: Hey, it's not like it's guaranteed that he's going to tape you.
ME: What do you mean?
BRIAN: I hear he only tapes the ones he thinks are worth it.

Na-who-what-what?

BRIAN: You know, the ones he thinks will put on the best...show.

Ahhh...

ME: It's still creepy. I'm going to pass.
BRIAN: Kevin, come on. I doubt you'd be taped.
ME: Why wouldn't I be taped? You don't think I could set that filmstrip on fire?
BRIAN: Um, actually, I was going to say you don't have to worry because you're not one to sleep with a guy on the first date.
ME: Oh...Yeah, that too.

Hmmm, since I'm not going to sleep with this guy, why pass up the date, right?

We ate at a little place closer to the beach. Brock was house-sitting for his parents in Narragansett, and after dinner, he invited me to come take a look at their shore-proximity locale.

The house seemed relatively normal, but I was on the watch. If this guy had a camera anyway, I didn't want to be caught doing something uncouth like standing awkwardly or...sneezing.

Yeah, because those x-tube viewers are so classy...

BROCK: Can I get you a drink or something?
ME: Sprite, if you have it.

I sat down on the couch in the living room. I did a quick scan across the room and caught a red light peeking out of a closet. I walked over to the closet prepared to catch this guy getting me on tape when I heard--

BROCK: Were you in the mood for a movie?

I jumped. I turned around and saw him with my Sprite.

ME: Excuse me?
BROCK: A movie.
ME: I've never done one.
BROCK: Huh?
ME: Seen one.
BROCK: You haven't.
ME: Not today.
BROCK: Okay.
ME: But I'm kind of--not in the mood.
BROCK: Then why were you checking out the V.C.R.?

I looked at the blinking red light in the closet--not really a closet, but a door that covers up an unsightly (and huge) entertainment system.

ME: I'm just...into electronics.
BROCK: Gotcha. Well, you want to see my room?

Oh boy, here it comes.

His room was actually broken into two parts--both of them being large. There was a little sitting, office area, and then a bedroom. On the opposite side of the room was a sliding glass door leading out into his yard. He went over to his IPOD docker and put on some music. We sat down in two of the chairs in his semi-leisure space.

He started to talk. I tried to listen, but mostly I was looking everywhere for where the camera could be hidden. There were a lot of options. Behind the posters. Underneath the chest of drawers. Stashed somewhere--

And before I knew it he was kissing me.

DAMN! I need to pay more attention when someone's doing the lean-in.

Pretty soon he was on top of me in the straddling position. I kind of tried to push him down a little bit so that he could get the hint that kissing was as far as this was going to go. Another part of me was looking for the camera's hiding place.

Brock must have picked up on it.

BROCK: What are you looking for?
ME: Oh...nothing.
BROCK: You've heard, haven't you?
ME: Heard about what?

God, I'm bad at playing dumb.

BROCK: Don't worry. I'm not filming you.
ME: Oh...um...good.

He started kissing me again. But now I wanted to know--

ME: Um, why?
BROCK: Why what?
ME: Why aren't you filming me?
BROCK: You want to be filmed?
ME: No, but you're not even trying.
BROCK: It's just that--
ME: Oh, I get it.

I got up and proceeded to leave.

BROCK: Kevin--
ME: You don't think I can put on a show? Let me tell you something, buddy. I'm a veritable Cirque de Soleil when I want to be, not that I'd want to be with you. I'm 135 and I'm bendy! Really bendy!
BROCK: You mean flexible?
ME: YES! And I'm vocal, and I'm passionate, and I'm...I'm...theatrical!
BROCK: Kevin, the reason I can't film you is because my camera is at my apartment. I didn't bring it here with me. I wouldn't want my parents finding it.

Um...yeah...that makes sense, actually.

But by this point, we'd reach the--

ME: Oh, just--fuck off.

--point in the date. So I left.

There goes my big debut.

FRIEND: It's okay, honey. The camera adds ten pounds and hacks off two inches.
ME: Good thing I got out when I did.
FRIEND: I'd like to view some of this boy's work.
ME: I actually looked up some of it myself.
FRIEND: And?
ME: He shoots from weird angles.
FRIEND: Amateur. Where do you think he hides the camera?
ME: From the looks of it, he doesn't hide it at all.
FRIEND: Ah, he's got the Tommy Lee move-it-around way of thinking.
ME: Are we analyzing homemade porn techniques right now?
FRIEND: You say that like it's not a legitimate topic.

It looks like Brock's gotten about five guys on tape so far--so it's not like he's any kind of stud, thank God. I only watched the five to see if I would recognize anybody.

And I did.

SCOOTER: Hey, why have him take it off? I'm proud of my performance. That s**t is Oscar worthy.

Guess some people aren't as shy as others.