Date #76: The Language Barrier

It's amazing what you'll try to make work when you're dealing with a decent smile.

Eduardo and I met while I was helping him on a project for his college course in Contemporary American Drama. He had come into the library a couple of times, and I mostly just took him as shy. It wasn't until we were on our first date that I realized what the major problem was going to be concerning the two of us actually making a connection.

ME: He can't speak English.
BRIAN: Que?
ME: Exactly.

I was filling Brian in over Greek salads at the N.C.

BRIAN: I don't understand. He's in college and he can't speak English.
ME: He can speak well enough to get by, but he's not fluid by any means.
BRIAN: And you never noticed this before?
ME: He was always really quiet before!
BRIAN: He's hot, isn't he?
ME: Well of course!

I was already feeling stupid enough as it was.

BRIAN: And he does well in school?
ME: Brian, he goes to Brown. They love the international flavor there.
BRIAN: So how bad was it?

It was pretty...quiet.

ME: So...how's your course going?
EDUARDO: Is going well. Miller, brilliant, yes.
ME: Yes, Arthur Miller is quite brilliant.
EDUARDO: My father--like the men.
ME: He likes men?
EDUARDO: Willie. He likes Willie.
ME: Well, I believe that's a choice.
EDUARDO: Uh...?
ME: Wait--Willie Loman? Like in Death of a Salesman?
EDUARDO: Yes! Salesman.

Great. I just insinuated that his father was gay, when really he was complimenting Miller's masterwork.

BRIAN: So for the most part--
ME: We just kind of sat there.
BRIAN: Sounds fun.
ME: It's not like he didn't try.

At several points throughout the dinner attempts were made that sounded something like this:

EDUARDO: You go places much?
ME: I like going out occasionally. Yeah.
EDUARDO: For fun, dancing, music?
ME: All of the above.
EDUARDO: Lots of boys finger you?
ME: Um...no....
EDUARDO: Um...point...point you out. Must say you are good looking.
ME: Yes, I am. I mean, they--sometimes--not often, no.

This was like being on a date with Borat--with less chest hair, thank God.

BRIAN: So you got a fun story out of it. No big loss.
ME: Yeah, it actually would have been kind of funny, had it not led to him trying to get in my pants.
BRIAN: Ohhh...

I drove him back to his dorm where he insinuated that he would like to greet my Willie Loman.

EDUARDO: You come stay over. I give you great time.
ME: That's okay. I think it would be a bad idea.
EDUARDO: We take off this. We take off that.
ME: How about I just take off? How does that sound?
EDUARDO: I finger you out as good time.
ME: No, no fingering. Enough with the fingering.

After another minute or two, he got the hint and I went home.

BRIAN: Good for you. I can't understand those guys who see who are dating foreign guys that can barely form sentences.
ME: I'll tell you why. It's because really hot gay guys will not date guys from this country.
BRIAN: What are you talking about?
ME: It's like they reach this level of hotness and they become too hot for American gay guys. Like Nate Berkus--
BRIAN: The Oprah guy?
ME: Yeah! That guy he was dating? Foreign.
BRIAN: Also passed away in the tsunami, Mr. Sensitive.
ME: I'm just saying. How do you do that? How do you date someone you can't even talk to?
BRIAN: It's amazing what a little foreign flavor will convince you of.

I don't know why I get ticked off about stuff like that. Then again, I feel like there's a limited number of decent guys in the American Gay Dating Pool--we don't need to open it up to other countries just yet. There's barely enough to go around as it is.

ME: Can you believe that?
FRIEND: What I can't believe is your close-mindedness. Love knows no language.
ME: You're saying I should have tried harder?
FRIEND: I'm saying the only phrases you needed to teach him were 'Watch the teeth' and 'Loosen up your grip.'
ME: I think sleeping with someone who'd have trouble getting through a citizenship test might be sinking to a new level of sluttiness.
FRIEND: Speaking of new levels of sluttiness, I've been into Russian guys lately. Do they have those mail order catalogs for gay boys?
ME: That you're going to have to Yahoo for yourself, my friend.

With every passing date, my preferences become more and more clear.

Newest preference: Speak the same language as me.

Wow, I've been hanging out with Dwight too much. This entire entry makes me sound way too conservative.

I'll have to make up for that next time...

Wink.