Date #67: Surprise, Surprise

There are some problems you just can't spot.

Miguel had joined Paye's dance class fairly late, and neither Turner or I gave him much attention. He had joined the class with a girl whom we assumed to be his girlfriend and the two of them pretty much kept to each other.

So imagine my surprise when he myspaced me to ask me out on a date sometime.

BRIAN: Guess the girlfriend's just a hag after all.
ME: I'm really shocked, actually. They're incredibly couple-y.

Brian and I were grabbing a quick lunch before shopping for clothes. Actually, Brian was going clothes-shopping, I planned on just standing there to watch him shop.

BRIAN: So is this guy cute?
ME: Super cute.
BRIAN: So my next question is: Are you twelve?
ME: Thirteen and a half, actually. Want to go to the movies on Friday? I want to see Night at the Museum.
BRIAN: Are you being serious?
ME: Yeah, we never hang out anymore.
BRIAN: I'm a little busy.
ME: Doing what?
BRIAN: Just being busy.
ME: I'm sorry. I can no longer see you. You just descended into Shadytown.
BRIAN: Can't a boy have any secrets?
ME: All right, all right. I won't ask anymore.
BRIAN: Of course you will. You hate not knowing anything.

This is true.

ME: I do not!
BRIAN: Kevin--
ME: Fine. Be that way. See if I tell you any more about Miguel.
BRIAN: So have you asked him about the girl?
ME: No, not yet. But I plan on--Hey!

The next day at class, Miguel and his lady friend were late for class so we didn't get to iron out plans beforehand. Turner and I conversed quietly while Paye taught the group the swing number from Kiss Me, Kate.

TURNER: Maybe they dated before he came out?
ME: Maybe he's still in the closet. He didn't exactly ask me out in a public fashion.
TURNER: Maybe they're joint serial killers like on Nip/Tuck.
ME: Oh my God, how cool would it be if I dated the Carver?
TURNER: What are you 12?
ME: Why does everyone keep asking me that?

I think because I've been feeling a little giddy since Miguel asked me out. He looks like your typical high school jock who happened to age really well. Knowing that he was interested put him in a whole new light (which I realize is a little sad). Now his smile seemed to glow a little more, the way he laughed every time he and his partner screwed up a step made me laugh a little to myself for some reason, and his pecs seemed to show through a little more in his tight, grey t-shirt--

TURNER: Kevin!
ME: Sorry.
TURNER: If you don't start paying attention, you're going to swing me into Don Juan.
ME: That t-shirt is very becoming on him.
TURNER: That's not the only thing that's going to be coming on--
ME: Hey!

Everyone in class stopped to see why I had shouted--including Miguel and the girl.

ME: Get the turn right, or don't do it at all!

And the dancing continued.

Later I stopped by Mrs. Brown's house to see how things were going with Dwight. Apparently ever since Dwight moved in to take care of her they were getting along really well.

DWIGHT: I might feed her rat.
ME: Like Baby Jane?
DWIGHT: Exactly like Baby Jane.
ME: She'd have to be in a wheelchair.
DWIGHT: That can be arranged.

I heard Mrs. Brown hobble over to the staircase.

MRS. BROWN: Dwight?
DWIGHT: Mother, you're not supposed to be walking around like that.
MRS. BROWN: You just don't want me up and about because you want the house to yourself for sexual reasons.
DWIGHT: That's right, Mother. I'm pleasuring Kevin as we speak.
ME: He's doing a great job, Mrs. Brown!
MRS. BROWN: Then you should be thanking me, Kevin. I was the one who insisted he get braces sooner rather than later.
ME: This has now gotten uncomfortable.
MRS. BROWN: Could you one of you boys help me with my make-up? The fiancee is coming over.
DWIGHT: Then I'm leaving, Mother.
MRS. BROWN: That's fine. It'll give me the freedom to be louder during our lovemaking.

And it's time to go.

ME: I'm sorry, Dwight.
DWIGHT: My hair is going to turn white any day now.
MRS. BROWN: You should dye that, sweetheart. Gays can be very superficial. Now bring me my make-up so I don't look like Anne Bancroft in Great Expectations.
DWIGHT: There isn't enough make-up in the Western Hemisphere.
MRS. BROWN: I heard that!

After a quick run home to shower and change, I headed up to meet Miguel at his house in Warwick. On the way there I thought about how nice it was to be giggling about someone again. I remember the first time I ever went out on a date with a guy. For the first ten minutes I was shaking so uncontrollably, I had to go into the nearest men's room just to calm myself down. There was that excitement of realizing who I was, and that this was my life: Dating guys was going to be my life. Over time that feeling just kind of faded and now every guy is just 'another guy.' But this guy--there was something different about this guy. And I was shaking again, and I kind of liked that.

I got to Miguel's house and he opened the door half-dressed--literally. He had a towel around him and nothing else.

ME: I think we might be doing this date backwards.

He laughed and then apologized. He'd been running late all day. I told him it was no big deal and sat down on the couch. That was when I noticed the toys. Toys, everywhere. Little children toys...

ME: Um...do you...baby-sit or something?

He called out from the other room.

MIGUEL: What was that?

It was then that I heard it. A baby crying. I looked over at the hallway as the girl from class walked out holding a baby--wait, let me rephrase that--nursing a baby.

I jumped up off the couch so fast I almost tripped over a Dora the Explorer doll.

ME: Uh...hi.
NURSING GIRL: Hi. Sorry. She has to eat.
ME: No problem. I'm eating later. Not you, but--with Miguel. We're going to eat. So yeah.
NURSING GIRL: Gotcha. Miguel should be done in a second. The baby-sitter backed out at the last minute.
ME: Is this--

Miguel popped out of the hallway at that moment in a button down shirt.

MIGUEL: Oh Kevin, you know Nina right?
ME: From class.
NINA: We've never been technically introduced.
MIGUEL: And this little girl--
NINA: --Is our daughter, Mara.

Should have seen that one coming a mile away, right? Nina took off a little while later for her own date, and Miguel and I waited for the baby-sitter together.

MIGUEL: We had the baby together, but it wasn't one of those 'I thought I was straight' things.
ME: So then it was...?
MIGUEL: The 'I wanted a baby' thing. I wanted Nina to be the mother of my child and she wanted me to be the father to hers, and why not just do it now? I want to be raising kids while I have energy and lots of life ahead of me. I didn't want to wait until I was forty and not live to see my grandkids. My father almost passed away last year and I thought, how awful is it not to be able to meet your grandparents let alone remember them?
ME: You put some thought into this.
MIGUEL: Hey, it's hard. I'm not saying it's easy. And I don't blame you if you want to run.
ME: Hey, I'm not running.

I'll wait until after dinner to do that.

Truth be told, I love kids. I want to have kids...someday. But I don't really think about when I'll be raising them. I want to have them when I'm ready, whenever that may be. And if it's never...

ME: ...Then it's never, I guess. I don't want to be responsible for more screwed up people in this world.
MIGUEL: I understand that. But trust me, I'm a good father to my daughter.
ME: And how's Nina going to feel if you ever find someone?
MIGUEL: Same way I'll feel if she finds someone: As long as they're good to Mara, they're good with me. There's nothing wrong with having a few extra people in your life who care about you.

God, this guy's good. I mean, he has good answers, but that doesn't mean I'm leaning towards becoming a stepdaddy.

ME: Look, I still would like to...continue the date, but I think we're definitely at different points in our life right now, Miguel.
MIGUEL: I completely understand. I'm sorry I wasn't upfront with you sooner.
ME: Oh, it's okay. And for what it's worth, you have a beautiful daughter.
MIGUEL: I know, don't tell Nina, but she gets all her looks from me.

I laughed. We ended up calling the baby-sitter and telling her not to bother coming over. Instead we ordered a pizza and watched a movie with Mara. (Miguel had a tape of Allegra's Window--you know I love me some old school Nick Jr.)

At around 11pm, I decided to call it a night.

ME: Thanks so much for everything.
MIGUEL: No problem. I sorry you didn't get what you bargained for.
ME: Doesn't mean I didn't end up getting a bargain.
MIGUEL: That mean I'll get a second date?
ME: How about just a nice convo here and there?
MIGUEL: Guess that'll do.

I could see he was a little sad, but it was an expectant sadness, like--'Well, there goes another guy.' Another guy. Funny, huh?

It always sucks when I'm the one who has to let someone down--luckily, it doesn't happen often. Still, I was I could be that surprise to someone. That guy whose going to hang around when everyone else has taken off. Now here I was with that chance, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't be the knight in shining white armor.

SCOOTER: Whatever Meredith. Don't pull that Grey's Anatomy shit with me.
ME: I knew coming over here was a mistake.

On my way home, Scooter called me and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him. I tend to enjoy random invitations so I said yes. We were watching The Departed and I was telling him all my dating woes. He was being his usual sensitive self.

SCOOTER: Can I ask you something?
ME: Shoot, Scoot.
SCOOTER: What is it exactly that you want?

It's here where I should mention that late at night something happens to me. I start to say random things that appear to be true but also appear to be things I would never admit to at--say--3pm or 11:30am. My mouth opens and odd tidbits just pour out of me.

ME: I want to be in someone's AIM profile.
SCOOTER: Excuse me?
ME: I want someone to use me as an obnoxious away message with song lyrics.
SCOOTER: Oh my God.
ME: Like PQ <3 KB "Always and forever."
SCOOTER: I might need a bucket for this.
ME: Hey, I'm being honest.
SCOOTER: I can't believe that Mr. Maturity and Mr. Superiority--
ME: Hey!
SCOOTER: --Wants the same thing a--
ME: --A what? A 12-year-old wants? Hey, newsflash, maybe I want all that because I never got it when I was a kid. I've known I was gay since I was 13. But you don't get to date boys in junior high. I didn't get to take a guy to my prom. I mean, my highschool years were terrific in terms of friendships and whatnot, but I didn't exactly get to go boy crazy like some of my girl friends did. I got to date one guy for one week, and that was it. I had my first real date my sophomore year of college. So yeah, maybe a part of me is still going through puberty. Maybe that's what we're all doing. Maybe that's why we're all so fucked up. But the fact is, what makes me ultimately happy isn't the mature, romantic, adult stuff--I mean, it's great, but it just sort of makes me smile. What makes me all crazy and joyous and 'love rocks' would be an away message that says 'Kevin Broccoli, I love you' or 'Nite Kevin' with a kissy face next to it or the date someone met me or somethin stupid like that. I keep thinking I miss feeling that way but the truth is I've never felt that way because I've never had that happen to me before. And it would just be nice to know what it feels like. That's all.

I have no idea where all that came from, nor could I believe that I just said it all to Scooter. He came and sat behind me, and I just stayed where I was. I felt exhausted all of a sudden. A guy I had thought was going to awaken the inner kid in me instead turned out to be where I don't want to be until God knows when. I anticipated Scooter to do something perverted, but instead he just put his head up against mine and wrapped his arms around me. Then he whispered in my ear--

SCOOTER: Would 'Kevin Broccoli, you're my hero' do?

I laughed.

ME: Yeah, that would be okay.

I turned a little so I could look at him. This big idiot with big beautiful eyes that seemed to just be saying "I know I'm a big idiot but I like you a lot." Scooter rubbed his hand up against my face and put his forehead up against mine.

SCOOTER: Kevin Broccoli, you're my hero, and you're also the first guy I've ever fallen hopelessly in love with...

Sharp intake of breath. That's all I could remember was taking a sharp intake of breath. Then I stood up to leave.

SCOOTER: What are you doing?
ME: Scooter, I need to go.
SCOOTER: I'm sorry I said that.
ME: Don't be sorry.
SCOOTER: I just...you were honest so...
ME: No, thank you. It's fine. I--Scooter, I just--I don't love you back.
SCOOTER: I know that.

Simple phrase: I know that. And my heart just cracked.

ME: I'm going to go.
SCOOTER: Stay with me tonight.
ME: Don't be crazy. You just told me you love me and I just said I don't love you back and we're in your room in your parent's house in Providence and I just had an awful date and I'm vulnerable and--
SCOOTER: --And you talk too much.

He grabbed me and kissed me. Not on the mouth. Not at first. That might have been easy to resist. He kissed my neck. He kissed my neck and I'm pretty sure I fell right back down on his bed again. By the time he made his way to my mouth I was already tearing off his shirt and pushing myself into...

Yeah, well...We'll leave it at that.

I woke up the next morning with no clothes on and Scooter gone. A note he left by the bed said--"Had to go to work. Didn't want to wake you. Last night rocked. You were hot. Love, Scooter."

Oh Christ, Oh Christ, Oh Christ...

FRIEND: Stop calling him, he ain't going to come.
ME: I can't believe I did that.
FRIEND: You can never believe anything you do. Was it good?
ME: It was amazing.
FRIEND: Now we're talking.
ME: You don't understand. I've done an awful thing. I rejected a father and had sex with someone whose love I don't reciprocate.
FRIEND: Honey, you just described Spring Break '05 to me.
ME: I have no idea what I'm going to do now.
FRIEND: Why don't you try settling down with Shooter?
ME: Scooter.
FRIEND: Right.
ME: Because he is not the boyfriend type!
FRIEND: I hate to have to ask this, honey, but do you think you are?

Oh...

Um...

Wow.

I came home to find an IM on my computer from Scooter. It was left early this morning. It said "Do an away message scan." I laughed. His said "I <3 Kevin Broccoli." Then I noticed Turner's.

"Kevin Broccoli, I love you."

Brian's was "If anyone should ever write my life story. For whatever reason there might be. You'll be there between each line of pain and glory. Cause you're the best thing that ever happened to me - Love you, Kev."

Nick's said "Kevin, you're my favorite white guy."

And finally Dwight--using my favorite Sinatra quote--"I wish someone would hurt you so I could kill them for you--What would I do without you, Kev?"

Just like that--shallow, superficial, silly...happiness.