Date #71: The Catch

It's not unusual to be fixed up with someone by a friend.

It is unusual to be fixed up with someone by three of your friends.

BRIAN: He's a riot. You're going to love him.
ME: I do enjoy a good riot.

Brian and I were seated at our usual table at the N.C., and he was letting me know all I needed to know about Date #71--Stephen.

BRIAN: Honestly, if he were my type, I'd be all over him.
ME: What makes him not your type?
BRIAN: I don't like guys who make me laugh.
ME: Yeah, because that's a real turn-off.
BRIAN: Hey, it's the same reason I didn't end up dating you.
ME: That and the lingering potential of joint dementia after six months.
BRIAN: Yeah, that too.

Stephen had been out of town for over two years now, but now that he was back, Brian was determined to set me up with him.

BRIAN: He's the life of every party.
ME: He's not--too--over-the-top...is he?
BRIAN: Are you asking me if he's a flaming queen?
ME: Yes.
BRIAN: No, he's not. But he does enjoy Donna Summer.
ME: That just makes him human.

I wanted to know more. Luckily, Brian wasn't the only one who knew Stephen.

TURNER: I met him when he was back in town a month or two ago.
ME: What did you think?
TURNER: I think that I'm incredibly jealous that you get to go out on a date with him.

Turner and I were watching some indie films at his new apartment. It was the first time I'd been over there since he'd set out the furniture and he'd done a nice job with the place, even though it was a little big.

ME: I just don't see why you need all this extra room.
TURNER: I like lots of space.
ME: You need high ceilings?
TURNER: Exactly, Augusten.
ME: So tell me more about Stephen.

Turner paused Sorry, Haters.

TURNER: He's just got this thing about him that makes him really charming and yet approachable.
ME: Did you...and he...?
TURNER: We hung out for a total of three hours.
ME: It doesn't take three hours.
TURNER: Some of us aren't manwhores, you know.
ME: I'm not a manwhore, but you never know.
TURNER: It was one of the best dates I'd ever been on, and I'm sure you'll feel the same.

So two out of three, right? But why not go for broke?

DWIGHT: He's absolutely intoxicating.
ME: Finally someone whose slept with him.
DWIGHT: I didn't mean in that way.

Dwight and I were getting ice cream. The recent RI heat wave made me crave Ben and Jerry's, and Dwight just needed a night out of the house.

DWIGHT: Why are you fixated on sex with this guy?
ME: I just think it's funny that this many people like him and yet nobody seemed to get close enough to him to--
DWIGHT: He's not the type of guy you get close to.
ME: Finally!
DWIGHT: What?
ME: A flaw.
DWIGHT: It's not a flaw. It's just that he's not someone you picture settling down and buying a coffee table with, that's all.
ME: And what if I wanted a coffee table?
DWIGHT: Do you want a coffee table?
ME: Well...I like coffee.

I decided at that point that I'd better just see for myself.

SCOOTER: Hey.
ME: Hey.

Leave it to Scooter to call five minutes before a date.

SCOOTER: You heading out?
ME: Yeah, so if you wanted to hang--
SCOOTER: Just wanted to see if you still had that DVD I let you borrow.
ME: Um...yeah...I still have it.
SCOOTER: I wouldn't care normally, but I wanted to watch it with this guy I'm having over tonight.
ME: Oh...Hook-up #483?
SCOOTER: Don't blame me just because people want to know about my blog.
ME: What you are writing is not a blog. It is glorified gay pornography.
SCOOTER: Why do you think people want to read it so much?

Honestly people, hasn't this blog been slutty enough for you lately?

ME: I happen to have a real date tonight--one that will not end in one or both of us being handcuffed.
SCOOTER: And you call that a date?
ME: You wouldn't happen to know him, would you? Stephen ******?

I heard a pause.

ME: Scooter, are you trying to form a sentence?
SCOOTER: You're so f**king lucky sometimes it kills me.

And he hung up.

Now I was really intrigued.

Stephen picked me up and we drove to Narragansett and parked near the beach. The weather had cooled, but not by much.

STEPHEN: What do you think?
ME: Of the beach? Love it. God did a nice job.
STEPHEN: A religious boy--always fun to corrupt.
ME: Hardly.
STEPHEN: Hardly religious or hardly corruptable?
ME: A little late for both.
STEPHEN: That's what I like to hear.

He took out a picnic basket and I instantly started to laugh.

STEPHEN: Too gay? I had a feeling it might be. That's why I made ham sandwiches. Nothing is straighter than ham sandwiches.
ME: I'm laughing because I did this once--for a boy
STEPHEN: A picnic by the beach?
ME: At night. During a windstorm. The potato salad almost flew out of his hand.
STEPHEN: How dramatic.
ME: He had broken up with me and it was my ploy to get him back.
STEPHEN: Did it work?
ME: For about an hour. We made out in my car after we'd finished eating, and I drove him back to his dorm.
STEPHEN: And then?
ME: And then a day and a half later he informed me that he was going out on a date with a guy he was utterly smitten with, and I shouldn't feel too bad because I was bound to find someone way better than him.
STEPHEN: Oh, that old gem, huh?
ME: Yup.
STEPHEN: They should just print those up like mad-libs and sell them to gay guys.
ME: Great idea.
STEPHEN: Hey [Name of Sad Sap Gay Guy], don't feel bad that [Way of Getting Fucked Over]. I'm sure [Promise of Great Things That Will Never Happen to You]. You're a great guy. Let's stay friends. Then he deletes your number and myspace messages all your friends asking them out.

He was gaining cute points by the minute, plus I love a boy whose had some hurt in his past. A person's more attractive after they've been through some personal troubles--baggage claims be damned.

ME: I find it hard to believe that someone ever hurt the great Stephen.
STEPHEN: What are you talking about?
ME: All my friends are obsessed with how great you are.
STEPHEN: You mean Brian?
ME: Brian, Turner, Dwight, and Scooter--
STEPHEN: Oh God, Scooter.
ME: You make quite an impression.
STEPHEN: And you know half the state.
ME: I'm lucky enough to have quite a few friends.
STEPHEN: Good way of putting it.

We ate our picnic and Stephen answered some of my burning questions.

ME: So do you stay distant from people?
STEPHEN: I'm just never sure how long I'm going to be anywhere, and I don't like to start up something I can't finish.
ME: Gotcha.

That was completely understandable. But since he was now back in RI full-time--

STEPHEN: Not full-time, exactly.

--Take two steps back and watch your dreams of landing Prince Life-of-the-Party diminish.

STEPHEN: I can never stay in Rhode Island for too long before I start aching for New York again.
ME: You're from New York?
STEPHEN: I'm not from there, but I did go to school there. It's that place I belong--like, my real home, you know?
ME: Yeah, I do.

Unfortunately, we have two different places. I like Rhode Island--I really do. I feel like if I didn't I would have left by now. I like the fact that it's small, and kind of cozy. I like that you can be at the beach one minute and less than an hour later you're downtown in the middle of Providence. People may complain, but I like my home state.

STEPHEN: Let's go for a walk. I'll tell you some things that will blow your mind.

So we started walking along the beach, and Stephen started talking. And the more he talked, the clearer it became how many people he actually did know. He went through guy after guy and listed little details with each one--he's got emotional problems because of his parent's divorce, he never got over his first boyfriend, he has a thing for high heels--

And I realized, although this guy is nice, I don't want to be another name he can add to his list along with a tidy tidbit about my personal life.

Kevin, he writes this blog about dating and he's semi-self absorbed and insecure at the same time. Weird in a paradox sort of way, you know?

All this was going through my mind so that when he had ended up back where we started, I didn't even hear Stephen broach a different subject with me.

STEPHEN: So would you want to?
ME: I'm sorry. Would I want to what?
STEPHEN: Come hang out at my place for a little while.

It was at this point that I decided to play coy. I wasn't really interested in continuing on my slutty streak, but I didn't want to hurt Stephen's feelings. Another part of me also decided that anything that happened with this boy was going to be broadcast on MSNBC as soon as it was over, but the flip of that was that if I turned him down and he got pissed, he could also make up something awful about me and spread it around to half the state.

So again, coy.

ME: That's okay. I have to work early tomorrow so I should probably just get home.
STEPHEN: If you want you could stay over, and I'll make you pancakes in the morning.

Bold move on his part. It's one thing to insinuate sex, but a sleep-over offer is pretty cut and dry.

ME: I don't think it's a good idea. We just met.

(Like that's ever been a problem in the past. I'm such a tool.)

STEPHEN: I understand. It's cool.
ME: I'm sorry. You're a great guy, but I just think--
STEPHEN: Hey no, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

We said our good-byes and that was that.

Until 3am...

My phone rang. It was Brian.

ME: Hello?
BRIAN: You turned him down?
ME: Excuse me?
BRIAN: You turned Stephen down?

Wow, word travels fast.

ME: I just told him--
BRIAN: I know what you told him. Are you crazy?
ME: Huh?
BRIAN: How many guys do you think he actually asks to--
ME: To what? Make pancakes for?
BRIAN: What?
ME: He offered to make me pancakes.
BRIAN: When?
ME: In the morning. When we woke up. After I slept over.
BRIAN: HE WAS GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP OVER?

I hadn't heard him get this riled up since Sabrina went home before Haley Scarnato last week.

BRIAN: I can't believe you did this.
ME: Why are you freaking out?
BRIAN: Kevin, he's a catch. You don't turn down Stephen.
ME: It's not like you ever slept with him.
BRIAN: Because I never had the opportunity.
ME: What are you talking about?
BRIAN: How many guys do you think Stephen's actually been with?
ME: I don't know. We didn't talk about that, but he does seem to know everyone so--
BRIAN: He knows everyone but he's never been with anyone.
ME: What?
BRIAN: Not that I know of.
ME: Is that why he's such a major catch? Because nobody's gotten him in bed yet?
BRIAN: Yes!

What a wonderful community I'm a part of.

ME: So because I had the opportunity and turned him down, I've created some kind of moral sin?
BRIAN: Are you kidding? Everybody in Rhode Island wants to commit a moral sin with Stephen. How could you pass this up?
ME: I'm going to bed.
BRIAN: You could have at least gotten a look at his--
ME: Goodnight.

The next day I picked up Turner for Paye's dance class. Nick opened the door.

NICK: You are one crazy white bitch.
ME: Excuse me?
NICK: First you go around Ashton Kutchering people, now you're turning down offers from Stephen. Who do you think you are? Wilmer Valderama?

Oh Christ...

ME: Why is everyone getting on my case about this?

Turner came out of his bedroom in his dance clothes.

TURNER: Getting on your case about what?
ME: Me turning down Stephen when he asked me to spend the night at his place.
TURNER: ARE YOU INSANE?
ME: WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING AT ME?
NICK: BECAUSE YOU'RE ACTING LIKE WILMER VALDERAMA!
ME: STOP CALLING ME WILMER VALDERAMA!
TURNER: WHAT?
ME: Oh forget this, let's just go.

After dance class, I got a phone call from Stephen.

STEPHEN: Hey.
ME: Well, if it isn't TMZ.com.
STEPHEN: I'm sorry. I didn't realize word would get around like this.
ME: Actually I think you were counting on it.
STEPHEN: Kevin, trust me, it's not flattering to me to be rejected by the only guy I've ever extended that kind of an invitation to.
ME: Sorry, but I'm not a geisha. You can't give me a baked good shaped like a hoo-hah and expect that I'll feel grateful.
STEPHEN: I know that.
ME: Maybe the rest of the state wants to get in your pants for some kind of bragging rights, but I honestly couldn't care less.
STEPHEN: And that's why I like you.
ME: Unfortunately, the feeling is no longer mutual, Stephen.

I hung up on him and went home. There was an IM from Scooter waiting for me.

SCOOTER'S IM: I slept with the guy who turned down Stephen. Thank you, Kevin. This gift will never stop giving.

And I will never be giving you anything again, I thought.

It's moments like this when I wonder if the whole state has gone crazy.

FRIEND: I'm going to need this boy's myspace address.
ME: Absolutely not. I'm not letting you get in on this feeding frenzy.
FRIEND: Honey, the poor boy is crying out for sexual education, and you've turned a blind eye to him. I merely want to make sure he's informed correctly.
ME: About what? How much lube is too much?
FRIEND: Don't be ridiculous. You can never have too much lube.
ME: Gotcha.
FRIEND: I'd oil myself down like a seal every time if I could--
ME: Thank you, I get the picture. Actually, I think I've gotten too much of the picture.
FRIEND: So you're not going to give this kid another chance?
ME: Why should I? He's got a big mouth. He'd be telling everyone everything that would go on between us.
FRIEND: Coming from someone who has their own blog--
ME: Okay, I see the point there, but I do keep certain things private.
FRIEND: Maybe he does too. You should talk about with him--or do you sort of like being the boy who turned him down?
ME: Meaning if I did end up seeing him again I might go from being the stud who turned down Stephen to Stephen's chosen conquest?
FRIEND: One is more illustrious than the other.
ME: I'm aware.

I decided to play it safe and leave things as they were. It's not for the fame factor. I'm sure if that's what I was looking for I could get just as much mileage out of being Stephen's first boyfriend as I could being his first rejection letter. The truth is, the idea of being chosen like that just bothered me. I don't think anyone should think that highly of themselves. I explained most of this to Stephen--in a more lighter tone of course.

STEPHEN: That's funny.
ME: How so?
STEPHEN: Just in the sense that waiting to find the right person has now become intertwined with having an ego.
ME: I know you can look at it that way--
STEPHEN: That's the only way to look at it. Sorry for not jumping in bed with a couple of losers first and then asking you out, but then again I wouldn't have gotten such good reviews then, right?

And that was that.

You know, so many times when writing this blog, I wonder if I'm intentionally trying to make myself sound better or come across as more sympathetic. But in moments like these, the best writer in the world couldn't make me sound like anything but a putz.

Here's to next time, ladies and gentlemen.