Date #69: Indulge Me

Date #69 is kind of a big deal, because...well...I'm gay and perverted? Actually it's just fun to think of any date before 100 being a "big date" at this point. Now that February sweeps are over every show is in reruns, and I feel...bored.

So Brian and I had lunch and I tossed out the idea of doing something special on my next date--perhaps indulge all my inner date desires.

BRIAN: Which would be?
ME: Just say what I want and do what I feel. I'm going to do everything I've always wanted to do on a date but never have.
BRIAN: Like what? Not bed him until after the appetizer?
ME: Oh, you're so cute, Brian. Even with that flab under your arm developing.

He didn't look directly at his arm but I could see him trying to glance at the reflection off his fork to see if I was right.

ME: I'm kidding.
BRIAN: Don't kid. I think I have been putting on weight.
ME: Whatever you do, don't develop an eating disorder.

I don't have time for an addiction subplot this month.

BRIAN: So who are you going to try this experiment out on?
ME: This guy Mark from Connecticut.
BRIAN: Where'd you meet him?
ME: He was out and about on Mardi Gras night. I got his number and he's driving up here to hang out with me.
BRIAN: You planning on showing him a good time?
ME: If I conduct my experiment correctly, we might have a chemical incident on our hands.
BRIAN: Solvents?
ME: Acidic--
BRIAN: Okay, we need to stop there.

I left out the part about Mark being in town for a wedding anyway. I also left out the part about him not seeming all that interested in me. In fact, I only got his number because he was really drunk and happened to grab my phone and put it in there. When I texted him to say hi, he took three days to answer me, and then when he did his response was "Who are you again?"

It would have been no surprise if things stopped there, but then he texted me recently telling me he was going to be in the area, and if I wanted to grab dinner, he'd be down for that.

My original Date #69 had been dragging his feet, so I said "Yes."

Mark and I ate downtown. It was at the meal that I decided to start breaking some of my normal dating habits.

Dating Habit #1: Always Sounding Open-Minded. Making It Seem Like There's Nothing He Could Suggest That I'd Be Opposed To.

MARK: My ultimate goal in life is to sky-dive.
ME: Are you crazy? You want to voluntarily jump out of a plane?
MARK: Yeah. I think it would be fun.
ME: Not my kind of fun.
MARK: What is your kind of fun?

Dating Habit #2: Thinking Carefully Before Answering Any Question.

ME: Fun would be you in tighter pants.
MARK: Is that so?
ME: Yup.
MARK: I do own tighter pants you know.
ME: And yet you chose these.
MARK: I didn't plan on wearing them this long.
ME: They've been on this long because you wore them in the first place.
MARK: What a paradox I've gotten myself into.

Dating Habit #3: Containing My Sexuality. Trying to come across as the intellectual type who doesn't think about sex too much.

ME: That's not all you could be getting into.
MARK: Really?
ME: Actually it is. I'd have you flipped over like a pancake before I'd even unbutton my shirt.
MARK: You're more outgoing than I thought you'd be.
ME: I'm also better in bed than you think I'm going to be.
MARK: Now how do you know that?
ME: Because you wouldn't have put that much product in your hair if you really thought you were going to sweat it out later.
MARK: I think we've established how unprepared I am for what's coming later.
ME: Or how many times, for that matter.

I smiled and took a sip of my drink.

We went to a movie after dinner. Mark tried holding my hand once the coming attractions were over, but I resisted. I've always been the chaser in any situation, and now I wanted to be more ellusive.

Mark leaned in and whispered.

MARK: You're not going to let me hold your hand?
ME: You can hold something else later if you want to, but I don't do P.D.A.'s.
MARK: Why not?
ME: I also don't do talking during movies.

Wow, me indulging pretty much means me being an asshole. My subconscious must have a thing for bad boys.

After the movie, Mark invited me back to his hotel room. I decided to turn him down a couple times before agreeing.

MARK: Do you want to come back to--
ME: Sure.

But then I started to think, wait a minute...Why am I doing this? Haven't I made enough bad decisions sexually? Granted for a stretch I was celibate, but this wasn't the way to make up for it. Besides, this guy had no idea who I was, and this date definitely wasn't going anywhere pas this bedroom, hence I was breaking a few too many of the blog laws.

I decided it was time to 'fess up.

We went into his room and Mark went into the bathroom.

ME: Mark, I need to tell you something.
MARK: One sec.

Now I was feeling really guilty. How was I going to explain myself? I sat down on the bed and tried to come up with something that would make sense.

When Mark came out, I was practically ready to beg for forgiveness.

ME: Mark--
MARK: Shut up the fuck up, you dirty whore.

Apparently, he wanted me to beg for something else.

ME: What?
MARK: You like cockteasting me, huh?
ME: I'm...what?

He pushed me down on the bed and proceeded to sit on my crotch while unbuttoning my shirt.

ME: Mark, you're kinda--
MARK: I didn't say you could talk.
ME: I'm not into being dominated.

Mark grabbed my face and pinched my cheeks so that my lips were puckered up.

MARK: When Mark says the cocktease can talk, then the cocktease can talk.
ME: Meneflerginshenozzle.

I couldn't talk, and now my shirt was all the way off.

MARK: Look at those plump little nipples.

What a psycho! Nothing on me is plump!

MARK: Mark just wants to lick those little plump nipples.
ME: Couldyastawpkallingmybipplesplup?

I still couldn't talk. Mark leaned down and bit so hard on one of my nipples I thought I might have to get a piercing later out of necessity. I yelped. He yelled.

MARK: Oh yeah!

Then he proceeded to hop down off of me and lay face down on the pillow beside me.

MARK: Now!

Oh God, now he's going to make me put the lotion on my skin.

ME: Now what?
MARK: Spank my red hot ass.
ME: Mark, we need to--
MARK: It'll make me shoot so high I'll hit the ceiling.

TMI, TMI, TMI, TMI

I jumped off the bed and began putting my shirt back on.

MARK: What are you doing?
ME: I'm getting the hell out of here.
MARK: Why?
ME: Are you crazy? You bit my nipple off. My thin nipple!
MARK: What?
ME: I just need to go.
MARK: I thought this was what you were into. All that talk at dinner.
ME: I was just...indulging myself. That wasn't really how I am.
MARK: Okay, well next time give the person you're on a date with a heads up that he's sitting across from a wacko.
ME: Same to you!

I left his room and went home.

FRIEND: So there wasn't any spanking?
ME: No.
FRIEND: Do you think he could really hit the ceiling?
ME: Could we be serious here?
FRIEND: No chance in Hell.
ME: This is what I get for trying to walk on the wild side.
FRIEND: Honey, you call that the wild side? You weren't even coked out.
ME: I guess it works better to put out what you want back.
FRIEND: It always works to put out.

So I guess not every experiment can be a rousing success.

See you at Date 100...