Date #75: Top to Bottom

Wow, I'm three quarters of the way done with the blog.

Being the celebratory person that I am, I decided to celebrate entering April by taking some of the boys out to dinner.

Brian, Turner, Nick, and I all got dressed up and had ourselves an official Boys Night Out (use the term loosely if you like). The plan was to eat then go out to the club. The conversation at the dinner table turned to me and my latest crazy offer.

NICK: I would have gone.
ME: To London? I didn't even know the guy!

It just goes to show the difference between boys and girls. My friend Ali read the entry and IMed me to make sure I hadn't been stupid enough to run off to another continent with some boy I barely knew, and all the gay guys I knew were calling me to make sure I was on the first plane out of town. Common sense be damned amongst the gays.

TURNER: You don't take risks, Kevin. You're very much in your comfort zone.
ME: There's nothing wrong with having a comfort zone. That's why it's called a comfort zone. It's meant to be stayed in because it's so...comfortable.

Granted, I'm not too good at making arguments for my utter lameness.

BRIAN: Connor always talked about how cute he thought that it was that you were so sheltered.

A hush fell over the table. Brian had never discussed Connor with me so casually; and he had especially never discussed Connor discussing me with him with me.

Um...yeah, that works.

I tossed it off. I was glad that we could get past the 'you dated someone I date and we're friends' thing.

ME: First off, not being a Newport playboy hardly makes me sheltered--
BRIAN: I was just using his terminology.
ME: Second of all, if he did find that cute; that's pretty idiotic. It's a minor character flaw. I recognize that I'm a little blah sometimes, and it's something I need to work on.
TURNER: Kevin, it's not a flaw. Everybody's sheltered in some way.
ME: It's okay, Turner. You don't have to make excuses for my grey-toned existence.
TURNER: No, it's true.
BRIAN: It is true. Besides, Connor broke up with me for the same reason he stopped talking to you, and that had to do with being...limited.

Uh...what? I never did find out why Connor stopped talking to me, but I assumed it was just the old 'one day he stopped calling for no reason' thing--I never thought there was an actual issue at hand there.

ME: What are you talking about?
BRIAN: I...I thought you knew.
ME: Uh, no, but now I want to.
BRIAN: It's not really...dinner conversation.
NICK: Are we at the Ritz Carlton?
TURNER: Even if we were--we're us. What difference does it make?
BRIAN: It's sort of--personal.
ME: Personal, and yet, I have no idea what it is.
BRIAN: I thought you did.
ME: I don't. So spill. Whatever it is, I doubt I'm going to be embarrassed by it. We're all friends here. If it's some personal trait of mine that's unappealing, you guys are probably already aware of it.

Brian looked like he really didn't want to say anything. That only made me want to force it out of him more.

BRIAN: It's...sexual.
ME: Is it because I wouldn't pee on him?

Nick spit out his drink--just like in a Buster Keaton movie, I kid you not.

ME: It was a joke, Nick.
NICK: You never know with you.
BRIAN: It's just--it's stupid. I thought it was stupid of him to break up with me for it.
ME: It must have been somewhat important if it broke up the two of you and caused him to stop calling me.
BRIAN: Not really.
TURNER: Gay guys can be fickle. I bet it's because you wear too much plaid.
BRIAN: That would cause anyone to stop calling, but that's not it.
ME: Brian!
BRIAN: It's because you and me and Connor are all tops!

He said it so loud that the three tables nearest us all stopped their conversations and froze in place. One woman's spoon actually hovered an inch from her mouth.

TURNER: Okay, well that settles that.

I was shocked. First off, I'm pretty sure Connor and I never had any discussion about what we "are" sexually, and secondly, if that really is the reason he stopped calling, then...then...

Who does that?

ME: I never told him I was a top.
TURNER: Guys--
BRIAN: I guess he just assumed.
TURNER: Should we be talking about--
ME: Turner, we're all adults here.
TURNER: Adults in public.
NICK: Oh, so those four white girls can talk about swallowing over brunch at a diner on Sex and the City but we can't talk about sexual preferences?
TURNER: Fine, I've been overruled.

I was becoming more livid by the minute.

ME: I mean we never even had a conversation that would--
NICK: So you're not a top?
ME: No, well, I am, but--
BRIAN: There you go. He probably just sensed it.
ME: Oh, come on, you can't tell.
TURNER: Apparently he could tell.
ME: He could have been wrong.
NICK: But he wasn't.
ME: I can't always tell!
BRIAN, NICK, and TURNER: I can.

We were veering from the subject, but the boys were already taking advantage of the fact that Pandora's Positional Box had been opened.

TURNER: Everyone always thinks I'm a bottom at first.
ME: You're not?
TURNER: Nope. Total top.
NICK: I'm vers.
BRIAN: I don't mind bottoming, but I wasn't going to do it for Connor.
TURNER: Why not?
BRIAN: Are you kidding? I would have had to practice with horse tranquilizers first.
ME: THAT'S WHY HE STOPPED CALLING?

They all looked at me like it made perfect sense.

NICK: Kevin, once that's the case, there's really no point in pursuing anything.
ME: We were past the point of pursuing anything anyway, but still--
BRIAN: It renders you incompatible.
ME: It does not! My first boyfriend and I never did that, and we had a perfectly healthy sex life and a great relationship that lasted almost a year.
TURNER: Didn't most of that sex life take place in your car outside a country club?
ME: We were in high school!

Well, he was anyway...

ME: Not the point! The point is, that should not be the determining factor of whether or not you stay with someone! Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?
NICK: I don't think not being able to have sex with someone is so ridiculous.
ME: You can still be intimate.
BRIAN: But you can't really have sex.
ME: In case you haven't noticed, we're gay. We can't really have sex the way you're really supposed to have sex.
TURNER: Thank you, 700 Club.

Why was everyone ganging up on me?

BRIAN: Look, you won't date people who smoke, Connor won't date people who top. It's just a preference.
ME: Bullshit. It's guys caring more about sex than connection. Just like always.
BRIAN: If that's the way you feel--
ME: That's the way I feel.

And that was that.

Of course, as soon as I got home, I called Connor.

CONNOR: What a nice surprise.
ME: Cut the shit. Did you stop talking to me because I'm not a bottom.
CONNOR: Oh Christ...
ME: That's my line.
CONNOR: What?
ME: Never mind. Did you?
CONNOR: Kevin, I didn't stop talking to you because you weren't a bottom.
ME: Thank you.
CONNOR: I stopped talking to because I had a very good feeling you wouldn't bottom.
ME: I'm not sure I see the difference there.
CONNOR: You're someone who's just very tame sexually, and that's not what I'm looking for.
ME: Not wanting to do one thing makes me tame?
CONNOR: I have a feeling it's more than one--
ME: You have a lot of feelings, you know that? Unfortunately sensitivity isn't one of them.
CONNOR: Kevin--

Done. I was so mad I knew I needed to go for a walk somewhere to cool down. Luckily, I thought I'd be able to kill two birds with one stone. I was supposed to hang out with this guy Troy--so I suggested a little walk on the beach to talk advantage of the nice weather.

I've known Troy for awhile--about a year or so--but we've never managed to get a date together until now. He's a decent, mild-tempered kind of guy. Strong and silent type, if you will. Since we already knew each other fairly well, we just conversed like two friends. I, of course, had only one topic on my mind.

ME: Would you stop talking to someone for something like that?
TROY: If I didn't feel we clicked sexually, then yeah, maybe.
ME: But we did click sexually.
TROY: Clearly, he didn't feel that way.
ME: He felt that I was too tame.
TROY: Are you?
ME: I don't think so, but he and I never really got close to the point where I could be...you know...where I could really relax with him.
TROY: I guess some guys just don't give other guys a chance to show their true personalities.
ME: Yeah, I guess.

We got something to eat then went back to Troy's place to hang out and watch television. I could slowly feel those old urges of wanting to prove someone wrong creep back into my psyche. All of a sudden, I just wanted to let loose the crazy, sexual animal that is...um...me.

Troy and I started kissing, but he caught onto what was happening before we got too far along.

TROY: I think you might be doing this for the wrong reasons.
ME: No, I'm not. I'm doing this for me. To expand my--whatever. I don't want to be thought of as limited.
TROY: There's nothing wrong with being--
ME: Shut up and take your shirt off!

And strangely enough, he did. Then my shirt came off, and somehow we wound up on his bed about to bring things to the next level when I had a thought--which usually means something bad is about to happen.

ME: What's the craziest thing you want to do right now?
TROY: Huh?
ME: Craziest thing--name it, we'll do it.
TROY: Kevin--
ME: Troy, just let loose. Don't restrict yourself.

Now I was sounding like a life coach.

ME: What do you want, Troy. Tell me what you want.
TROY: I want--
ME: That's it. What do you want?
TROY: I want you to just enjoy yourself.
ME: Ahhh! Don't say stuff like that. Be honest! Don't be a wimp!
TROY: Yes!
ME: What?
TROY: I'm a wimp! I'm sorry!
ME: No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you a wimp.

Why was I having this conversation naked?

TROY: Yes, I am. I'm a pathetic wimp.
ME: No, Troy, you're--
TROY: Tell me what a sorry piece of trash I am.

Ohhh...I get it. I'd just experienced this six dates ago (Date #69: Indulge Me) but that time I was with the dominator--this time I was with the dominated. But I wasn't going to back out. I was going to challenge myself and go with it.

ME: Um, you're a sorry piece of trash.
TROY: And?
ME: You're...um...really stupid.
TROY: Yeah, I am. Oh f**k, I am.

Dear God, he was actually getting into this.

ME: And...you're...dumb, too. You're a dumbass.
TROY: That's right. I'm a dirty f**king dumbass.
ME: Yeah, dumbass. Could you get any...dumber?
TROY: What do you want this dirty dumbass to do? He'll do anything?

I wanted him to stop calling himself a dumbass. That was number one.

ME: Just shut up.

He did, but he moaned instead.

ME: No moaning!

He stopped.

ME: Now, just close your eyes and...um...

What the hell was I supposed to do now? Make his bedspread disappear?

ME: Um...so...
TROY: Slap my face.
ME: I'm sorry.
TROY: I'm sorry! I won't talk!
ME: No, you're going to have to. I don't know what to do.
TROY: Slap my face!
ME: Won't that hurt?
TROY: Do it!

So I did. Very lightly.

TROY: Harder.

Argh, fine. I slapped him semi-hard.

TROY: MAKE ME YOUR SLUT!

I reared back and slapped him. Like--Alexis Carrington meets Valerie on 90210 slapped him. Immediately, I felt awful.

TROY: Ouch!
ME: I'm so sorry!
TROY: Do it again!

That was when I called a halt to the whole evening.

And about half an hour later, I was at Dwight's house.

DWIGHT: He was into dirty talk, huh?
ME: No, he was into being dominated.
DWIGHT: That's pretty kinky.
ME: I don't understand how demeaning someone is hot.
DWIGHT: It's not--not to everyone anyway.
ME: And I proved Connor right. I am tame.
DWIGHT: Kevin, you are not tame.
ME: Yes, I am.
DWIGHT: Speaking from someone whose seen the way you are with your friends, how protective you get, how you look at someone when you admire them, how you make people laugh--Kevin, speaking as someone whose been kissed by you, there is nothing but passion radiating through your entire body.

It's moments like these where Dwight could almost convince me to vote Republican.

It still didn't feel any better being in a category though, but pat of me felt like there was nothing I could do about it.

FRIEND: Honey, what have I always told you? Deep, soothing breaths and you'll be fine.
ME: I just wish all of this weren't such a big deal.
FRIEND: People who try to say sex isn't a big deal are either getting cheated on or castrated.
ME: What about other forms of affection? Kissing, cuddling--
FRIEND: Who cuddles? People still cuddle? I don't cuddle.
ME: So for you, it's a deal-breaker.
FRIEND: Well, no, honey, because Daddy is equal-opportunity. I don't care what you are as long as I don't have to call you the next day.
ME: But do you think I'm tame for not being able to do what that guy wanted?
FRIEND: If you'd continued on with that freak, I'd be calling you an idiot and smacking your ass with a paddle--Oh wait, you'd like that.
ME: Good to know I can always come to you when questioning my decisions in life.

Before I officially let the subject drop...

ME: So how do you tell?
DWIGHT: You just get a feeling.
ME: So, let's say Scooter--
DWIGHT: Top, clearly.
ME: Yeah, and...just out of curiosity...
DWIGHT: I don't top.
ME: Really?
DWIGHT: See, it does make you a little happy, doesn't it?

Okay, maybe just a little...

Smile