Date #73: Pets

Let's start this entry with an announcement.

I love animals.

Dogs, cats, turtles, fish--I've owned them all. I adore having pets. One day I plan on owning a big farm and having everything from chickens to llamas.

There is, however, one animal I cannot deal with in any way.

I put it to people like this:

The first Indiana Jones movie doesn't unsettle me at all, nor does the second, but the third one...I can't get past the scene in the sewer...

Jonah had kindly offered to make me dinner at his place. He had a quaint little place on the East Side, and apparently one of his hobbies is cooking. I was thrilled.

Hint Hint: Home cooking = major points with me.

I had offered to help, but he insisted that all I had to worry about was relaxing. He told me to just have a seat in the living room and he'd be in once he made sure everything was going all right in the kitchen.

So I took my drink (Sprite) into the living room and sat down on the couch. Jonah called out from the kitchen--

JONAH: Hey, if you see Will or Jack, don't worry--they're harmless.
ME: Oh? You have pets?
JONAH: Yeah.
ME: That's cool. I love pets.

At this point, I was assuming Will and Jack were dogs--terriers, perhaps. Cute, yippy terriers who would jump up on me and wag their little tails.

That's when I saw it.

And by "it" I mean--Will.

Will is a rat.

A decent-sized rat at that. Not a mouse, not a hampster, not a gerbil, guinea pig, not a squirrel or a chipmunk, not any more tolerable member of the rodent family, no no no, a rat.

I screamed and hopped up on the couch.

FYI It was a real scream--not merely an "Ah!" or an "Eek!" A blood-curdling scream that one might utter after seeing their own arm chopped off and turned into swiffer. That's the response rats illicit from me.

Don't ask me why, but rats are the one creature I can't handle. I think it has something to do with the tails, because I think hampsters are adorable. Rats are just sinister, and they started the plague--Rats killed off half the world at one point, ladies and gentlemen! Why would anyone keep them as pets???

Jonah came running into the room with his apron still on.

JONAH: What's wrong?
ME: WHAT'S THAT?
JONAH: That's Will.
ME: WHAT?
JONAH: Will! That's Will!
ME: You knew he was here?
JONAH: Yeah! He's my pet.

With perfect timing, Jack made his appearance from behind the television.

ME: THERE'S TWO OF THEM NOW!
JONAH: That's Jack!
ME: THIS IS INSANE!
JONAH: What is wrong with you?
ME: Nothing's wrong with me. You have rats as pets!
JONAH: They're very friendly.

He then did something that curdled my blood. Jonah leaned over and picked up Will. He held him in his arms like he was cradling Babe, the talking pig.

Blood spurted from my eyes, and this came out of my mouth:

ME: OWEENOOGAVIRTUCUMSENA!

Which I think might be a medieval spell to ward off friendly men who've been seduced by demons posing as rats.

JONAH: He's really sweet when you get to know him.

He took a step towards me and I'm pretty sure I kicked at him.

JONAH: Don't worry. I'll wash my hands before I go back in the kitchen.

He could have scrubbed his upper epidermis level off with lye for all I cared. I wasn't eating anything in this place.

I would love to say that I managed to be mature in this situation, but rats are the one thing that turns me absolutely hysterical. Every other phobia or odd quirk I have mostly makes me uncomfortable, but I can manage...Rats are a different story.

As politely as I could, I told Jonah that I was going to have to leave. I didn't come up with a fake excuse or even an ingenuine smile for him. I just got my coat and left.

FRIEND: How dare he give those little f**kers the names of two of my favorite sitcom characters!
ME: Don't you think he should have warned me before inviting me to walk around his apartment? If one of them had run over my feet, I'm pretty sure I'd be sawing them off right now.
FRIEND: Honey, I've never seen you so unhinged.
ME: Hey, we all have our junk.
FRIEND: And my junk is you.
ME: Regardless, I wish I could have acted a little more--
FRIEND: --Like an adult?
ME: Yes, well, but I mean--he keeps rats! As pets!
FRIEND: I have an anaconda--but I only show that to someone after they've eaten my lasagna.
ME: Lovely, just lovely.

I guess there really isn't any grand moral to be taken from all this, just the following:

If you ask me to come over and watch a movie, avoid The Last Crusade, not even Sean Connery can get me to sit through that.