Date #80: The Investment

If there's one thing people have forgotten how to do in dating, it's invest.

And I mean that in the most literal sense of the word.

When I was a kid, I always had crushes on people I considered investments.

For example, while everyone fell for Justin from N'Sync, I was more interested in Lance. He was never anybody's "favorite," but at the end of the day while everyone else was fighting over Justin, I could picture myself cuddling up to my little investment Lance on his tour bus in between stops in Toledo and Des Moines.

Laugh if you will, but who knew one day my boy band crush would turn into a man-sharer?

I'm not much for chasing--I'd much rather invest in someone who's an easy get and then watch them turn into a full-fledged catch.

BRIAN: You don't think that sounds a little...calculating?
ME: It's no worse than being shallow and going after someone for how they look.
BRIAN: Yes, you go after them for how they're going to look.
ME: And help them along the way.

I was explaining my idea to bring back my childhood philosophy of investing (even if I didn't know that's what it was at the time) over lunch with Brian at the N.C.

After all, it seemed to make so much more sense. Instead of going after cocky guys who know they're hot and treat everyone like a name in a little black book, I could go after guys who would actually appreciate me and then steer them towards hotness.

BRIAN: Help them to become hot--ergo a shallow reason--
ME: That's only after I've spent awhile with them while they're--
BRIAN: Fugly?
ME: No! While I've gotten to know them and fallen for their personalities.
BRIAN: It's basically just a shortcut to finding a hot guy with a good personality without having to go through all the hurdles.
ME: And what's wrong with shortcuts?
BRIAN: Fair enough, but how do you tell if someone is an investment or not?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Chase.

I met him in Paye's class, and right away I spotted a potential winner.

Although, Turner wasn't on board right away.

TURNER: Are you kidding me?
ME: Trust me, that guy is a hottie.
TURNER: Yeah, underneath the sweat, the fat, and excess body hair.

I was at Turner's house for a "Cheer-Up Movie Night." We were going to be doing a double viewing of Mermaids and Moonstruck.

When I brought up Chase, he balked. I think the break-up with Gary has made him a little meaner than usual. It's not like him to bring up somebody being overweight or over...um...hairy.

ME: He's an investment, Turner.
TURNER: Are you Rachel Leigh Cook all of a sudden? You're going to doll him up?
ME: No, because that would make me Freddie Prinze Jr. Get your analogies right. If the girl's getting made over it's She's All That. If the boy's getting made over it's Drive Me Crazy.
TURNER: You're a sad little clown.
ME: I'm aware.
TURNER: And just so you know, there is no way you can ever make Chase appealing in any way to anybody.
ME: Oh really? Well, I'll tell you what. I'm bringing him to karaoke tomorrow, and I bet by then he'll already be looking pretty good--even to you.
TURNER: Go to it, Henry Higgins.

Now, let me just come out and say it. I am not the type of person who can give anyone pointers on dressing or style or anything like that. I feel just fine in an over-sized plaid shirt and sneakers. I do, however, know what it takes to get someone from a 3 to a 33 with just a little fine-tuning.

I had Chase meet me at the mall in front of the Gap. The mistake would have been taking him to Abercrombie or Banana right off the bat. He needed to lowered into the pool slowly, not thrown headfirst into the deep end.

He showed up looking...well...like a fixer-upper. But he also looked thrilled at the prospect of getting asked out. He told me I was the first guy who ever invited him anywhere. If there's one thing I love, it's someone with appreciation.

CHASE: So what are we doing here? Do you need to do some shopping?
ME: Actually I thought it might be fun to goof around, maybe try some stuff on--
CHASE: For me you mean?
ME: If you don't want to--
CHASE: No, that's cool. I've actually been meaning to buy a new outfit.

See that? He was already going for the gold.

After a mere fifteen minutes, we had already found Chase a pair of jeans and a shirt that took him from hobo to Bohemian starving-artist-who'll-do-you-on-his-blank-canvas-and-make-you-like-it. It was awesome.

ME: Just so you know, you're wearing that to the party tonight.
CHASE: Sure, sounds great.

Now about that hair.

I'm lucky enough to have an aunt who owns her own salon. I usually don't stop in that much since I hate using product in my hair and whenever I show up gel-free she screams at me as if I've just tattooed my face and married an Islamic terrorist.

Luckily today, I was done up for the party so I just got a big hug and a lot of parading.

AUNT PATTY: Look at how handsome my nephew is. Cover of GQ this one.
ME: Oh, hardly Aunt Patty.
AUNT PATTY: You should have modeled.
ME: For who? Stevie Wonder?
AUNT PATTY: You're stunning!
ME: I'm scrawny and I have awkward features.
AUNT PATTY: You're an Italian sculpture! Who's your friend?

I presented Chase to Aunt Patty.

ME: We need a little help.

After an hour, Chase's hair had that great "messed up for thirty dollars" look. I tried to talk him into getting a wax, but he wasn't feeling it. Still, we had made a lot of progress today.

When we arrived at karaoke, I instantly knew that I had made some good choices. Brian's mouth dropped open. Nick mouthed the word 'Dammmnnnnn.' Scooter tried to slip Chase his number at least five times.

The best, by far, however, was Turner. He handed me five bucks.

ME: What's this for?
TURNER: Consider me Colonel Pickering. You won the wager.

I almost broke out into "You did it!" from My Fair Lady--forgetting how that scene ends.

Granted, I didn't exactly get my slippers thrown at me, but by the end of the night I could tell Chase was feeling a little uncomfortable.

We stopped at the all-nite Bickford's before heading home. I decided to broach the topic of how the evening went.

ME: Did you have a good time tonight?
CHASE: Would you have had a good time tonight?

HERE'S YOUR SLIPPERS! AND MAY YOU NEVER HAVE A DAY'S REST IN THEM!

ME: I'm sorry if it seemed like I was--
CHASE: Parading me around like a show-horse?
ME: Something like that, yeah.
CHASE: Would you have been that mortified bringing me in there as I was?
ME: No, it's not that. It's just...

It's just that, yes, I would have been mortified. I'm an awful, awful person.

ME: I guess I just wanted to show my friends that when you invest in someone, you get something out of it. That there's more to life than just going after the hot guy with nothing to him.
CHASE: Yeah, it's better to alter someone into a hot guy, because personality can't stand on its own.

Wow, the view's kind of sucky when you're three inches tall.

ME: I'm sorry, Chase. I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea. I've had people try to make me over before and I didn't like it, but I just though this was different because no matter what I would be fine with you.
CHASE: Just not fine with how other people were with me.

And that pretty much closed out the evening.

After I brought him home, I let my head land on the steering wheel of my car while I tried to remember when it was exactly that I became the typical gay man.

FRIEND: Stop moaning. The boy needed a guiding hand to guide him to some laser hair removal and you gave it to him.
ME: I think lately I just...Well, I'd like to be the guy with the hot boyfriend. I've never been the guy with the hot boyfriend.
FRIEND: Honey, when you're the guy with the hot boyfriend, then you're the ugly guy in the relationship. Trust me, you don't want to be that guy.
ME: I wish there were friendlier labels. Like, 'the smart one' and 'the funny one.'
FRIEND: You don't get off that easy. People like to tear down relationships. That means if you're in one, you get a nasty label. Like 'the one who wears bad shoes' or 'the one who needs to look into Crest white strips.'
ME: Would I be either of those?
FRIEND: You would be both of those.
ME: Hey!
FRIEND: I come from a place of love. If you don't like it, then f**k off.

I showed up at Chase's apartment the next day wearing one of my trademark plaid shirts, hideous pants, and those ugly shoes Friend was talking about. Chase looked slightly amused but also skeptical.

CHASE: Can I help you?
ME: I was wondering if you'd like to walk around Thayer Street with both of us looking awful and not caring?
CHASE: I'm not sure I want another date with you, Kevin.
ME: Who said anything about a date? Maybe I just want a liberating experience--sans gel.

He laughed, and we started out on our walk. It was beautiful out with the sun warming the air and just a little bit of wind to keep things cool.

And I have to say, the wind goes through your hair a lot easier when there's no product in it.

Just thought I'd put that out there...