Date #84: The Pub Quiz

At some point a group of friends will experience the following:

1) Death
2) Marriage
3) The birth of a child
4) Playing on a team of some sort

Since my group of friends consists of gay men, marriage is iffy, death is morbid, and children...

Well, do you want to try picturing Scooter raising a child?

But team sports? That was bound to happen.

It all came about when Brian and I were having lunch at the N.C. and I asked him for a favor.

ME: I need you to be on a team with me.
BRIAN: Does this have anything to do with table tennis?
ME: No, um, why would--
BRIAN: Never mind. Continue.

I was supposed to go on a date with this guy Bill, but at the last minute, he told me that he couldn't go. I assumed I was being ditched. I'll admit to being fairly upset. He was cute, and a transfer student with a hot British accent. Not to mention it's never easy being blown off.

BILL: No, it's not like that.
ME: Bill, it's fine, really.
BILL No, really--I just forgot that I had plans tonight.
ME: Do you mind me asking what your plans are?
BILL: It's going to sound stupid.
ME: Trust me, I won't judge.
BILL: I'm going to a pub quiz.

PUB QUIZ: A quiz held in a pub--popular trend in Britain.

ME: Well, that sucks. I really did want to hang out with you.
BILL: You know, most of my friends are going to be out of town that day. I was going to go to the pub and just find a bunch of guys to play with, but if you're free and you could get some people together--

Get some people together? Done and done.

BRIAN: Absolutely not.
ME: Why not?
BRIAN: No way am I going to a pub quiz.
ME: Come on, you love drinking and competition.
BRIAN: Kevin, I've heard about those quizzes. They're hard. We'll make idiots out of ourselves.
ME: No, we won't. We're smart.
BRIAN: Who else are you going to get to be on this team?

My next recruit was much more willing.

DWIGHT: I'll do it.
ME: Really?
DWIGHT: Absolutely. How often do you get to show off how much you know about current events and pointless topics in order to win beer mugs?
ME: Are you being sarcastic?
DWIGHT: Yes, but I'll still do it. I need a night out of the house.
ME: Fantastic. You might even meet a cute boy.
DWIGHT: Oh yeah. I'm sure these places are just filled with adorable gay men shouting out Mrs. Garrett's first name on The Facts of Life.
ME: Edna!

I was ready to kick some ass. I just needed one more person.

Luckily, I knew of at least two more equally smart people who I could turn to.

TURNER: No.
NICK: No way.

I was trying to convince at least one of the guys to do it. We needed five people for the team and as of now I only had three.

ME: C'mon guys.
TURNER: Nick, just do it. You're intelligent.
NICK: My ass is not stepping anywhere near a pub on a Sunday night. And what do you think the odds are that any of the questions are going to be about Zora Neale Hurston?
TURNER: Oh no, all the questions are going to be about Judy Garland and The Boys in the Band.
ME: Would you two stop being so elitist and pick someone to come with me?
TURNER: You pick.
NICK: Yeah, ask which one of us knows how botulism works.
ME: Better idea. Both of you pick a number between one and ten.
TURNER: Seven.
NICK: Three.
ME: Nick's coming with me.
TURNER: What number were you thinking of?
ME: I actually wasn't thinking of a number. I was just wondering whether they were more likely to ask about Zora Neale Hurston or Judy Garland. Zora won.
TURNER: Fair enough.
NICK: Damn!

Brian, Dwight, Nick, Bill, and myself showed up about ten minutes before the quiz was going to start. We all found a table and decided upon a team name.

BILL: You guys all know each other, so whatever you feel is best--
BRIAN: Homos 'R Us.
DWIGHT: Four Guys and a Conservative.
NICK: Who's the Black Guy?
ME: Broccoli's Angels?
BRIAN, DWIGHT, and NICK: No.
BILL: Me and my friends usually go by The Pop Tarts Posse.
ME: Inside joke?
BILL: Yeah.
ME: Love it. We're The Pop Tarts Posse.

Right before the quiz was about to start, I saw an unwelcome sight.

Scooter.

And he had a posse all his own--one that included Turner.

Turner came up to the table to say Hello.

ME: What are you and Scooter doing here?
TURNER: I told him about the pub quiz and he was kind of mad you didn't invite him.
ME: Oh Christ...
TURNER: So he told me he'd buy me a couple of drinks if I agreed to come along with him and be on his team.
ME: But you wouldn't be on my team!
TURNER: But you didn't offer me drinks.

I went over to where Scooter was seated with his three other teammates, which include the two drinks he "hung out" with the first time I met him and another one of my old friends.

ME: Hello Tommy, how are you?
TOMMY: Terrific thanks.
ME: Scooter, can I talk to you for a second?
SCOOTER: I really don't think we have much to talk about, Kevin.
ME: Scooter, I would have asked you but I didn't think this would be--
SCOOTER: Quiz is starting. Maybe you should get back to your table.
ME: Fine.

As I was heading back, I bumped into Turner.

ME: Do you guys have a name yet?
TURNER: Yeah.
ME: What is it?
TURNER: Scooter's Revenge.
ME: Amazing.

They were just announcing the first question when I arrived back at the table.

Question: These were found in a boy's ear this week--one was pulled out alive, the other dead.

BRIAN: SPIDERS!
ALL OF US: Ssshh!
BRIAN: Sorry! Spiders.

We whizzed through the current events questions getting five out of six.

BRIAN: We are kicking ass!
ME: I thought you weren't into this.
BRIAN: I'm getting into it! I want to win!
BILL: You just win tote bags, friend.
BRIAN: I want those f**king tote bags!

Apparently Brian has a competitive spirit.

Admittedly, I was also getting a little too involved, probably because I now wanted to beat Scooter's Revenge. They had gotten five out of six as well, except every time they got a question right, Scooter cheered and jumped up on his table beating his chest like Tarzan, Lord of the Apes.

BILL: Isn't that your friend?
ME: He's dead to me.
BRIAN: We're going to crush him.

The next round had to do with famous mothers--since Mother's Day is coming up.

Question: Who was the mother of Iphigenia, Orestaia, and Electra?

ME: Clymenstra.
DWIGHT: Excuse you.
ME: No, that's the answer. She was Agamemnon's wife.
NICK: Aga-who?
BRIAN: It's a weird theater question, it's his domain.

Question: A line from this movie is "Not in" this woman's house.

DWIGHT: Big Momma.
NICK: Aren't I supposed to be here for questions like that?

Question: This Republican Senator--

BRIAN: Dwight, do it up.
DWIGHT: I don't know the answer.
ME: Are you kidding?
DWIGHT: What am I? Newt Gingrich?
NICK: Yet you know Big Momma?
BILL: Guys, it's no big deal.

We then heard Scooter hoot.

ME: Dwight, answer the f**king question.
DWIGHT: I don't know!

Now we were behind. I could feel it.

The next few categories we were neck and neck with Scooter's revenge, but they always seemed to be just ahead of us. I was supposed to be using this time to get to know Bill. Instead, I was letting him see my wildly inappropriate competitive side.

The last category was music.

We got the first few questions no problem. The last question was what was sinking us. We had to finish the lyric.

I got a job that pays all our bills.

ME: Oh my God, I know this.
BRIAN: Kevin, what is it?
ME: Um, um...it's 'Fast Car' by Tracy Chapman. I just don't know the next lyric.
DWIGHT: Focus, Kevin.
NICK: Is it 'And I'll turn right back around?'
BRIAN: That's 'Gimme One Reason,' you jackass!
NICK: Whoa!
BILL: This could seal us the win.
BRIAN: Kevin!

I wasn't hearing anything from Scooter's Revenge.

ME: Driving...Driving in your car...Help me!
NICK: Speeds so fast I felt like I was drunk.
BRIAN: City lights lay out before us.
DWIGHT: And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder.
ALL: And I...had a feeling that I belonged...I...had a feeling I could be someone.
BILL: This is a little creepy.
ME: Not gonna lie?
BILL: Huh?
ME: Never mind.
BRIAN: You got it?
ME: Um...Stay out...stay drinking late at the bar!

Oh, that felt sooo good.

We ended up coming in second, but beating Scooter's revenge nonetheless. Best of all? We got to take home the tote bags.

On the way out, I stopped Scooter.

ME: You did really well.
SCOOTER: Maybe next time you'll let me be on your team.
ME: It really wans't anything personal, Scooter.

Tommy called out to Scooter from across the pub.

TOMMY: Scooter, you buying me and Turner those drinks?

I flinced.

ME: Promise me you won't sleep with him.
SCOOTER: You mean again?
ME: And look at you no longer allowed to be mad at me.
SCOOTER: Hey!
ME: Goodnight, Scooter.

I'd love to say there's a good moral to the story other than "Know Your Tracy Chapman," but I can't seem to find one.

FRIEND: The only guessing game I play while drinking is 'Guess what color my underwear is.'
ME: I think you would have had fun. Aside from me getting way too competitive, the evening was very enjoyable.
FRIEND: Honey, the only pubs I go to have gay porn playing in the background.
ME: It's always good to open up your horizons, especially when it means a nice night out with friends.
FRIEND: You mean a night out kicking your friends ass?
ME: That, too.

The next morning I called Bill to apologize.

ME: I know I got a little too into it.
BILL: I thought it was cute.
ME: You did?
BILL: Yeah. You organized a team just to hang out with me. That was sweet of you.
ME: Well...I try.

You have to hear this guy's accent. Sooo debonair.

And that was my first pub quiz--and clearly not my last. I want those damn polo shirts.