Date #81: The Oreo Cookie

Don't ask me why I thought this could work.

I have absolutely no clue.

The fact is, at Paye's last dance class, I was...propositioned.

Turner and I had done our presentation--a rousing swing dance to "Too Darn Hot," which got the class way more riled up than the already cliche tap dance done to "Candyman" by the Snobby Gays.

Unexpectedly, the Snobby Gays were actually nice to Turner and I after our presentation.

SNOBBY GAY #1 (VINCENT): You guys did a great job.
SNOBBY GAY #2 (DREW): We're having a party at our place later if you want to come.

Turner and I politely declined, but after a little more thought, I wondered if maybe I did want to check out la casa de snobby homo.

After all, I'm all about new experiences.

BRIAN: So how was it?
ME: It was... Well...

I was telling Brian about the party the next day at the N.C., but I was finding myself to be a little hesitant when it came to going into certain details.

There were a lot of people at the party, and when I got there it seemed like everyone was talking about me. It wasn't like they were being mean--on the contrary, they all wanted to find out as much about me as possible. Vincent and Drew were parading me around the room like I was their new show dog. I noticed, though, that whenever we'd walk away from someone I'd hear a laugh or catch the person checking me out as I walked away.

BRIAN: Weird.
ME: Yeah, at first. Then I overheard one of their friends talking and I suddenly realized what was going on.
BRIAN: Which was?

It was as I was coming out of the bathroom. There were two guys in Drew's room laughing about Drew and Vincent's "new boy."

GUY #1: He's cute.
GUY #2: It's weird.
GUY #1: It is weird, but as long as it's going to be weird, at least he's cute.
GUY #2: How long do we have to keep pretending it's not abnormal?
GUY #1: It's not as if we have to acknowledge the fact that he's the filling in the oreo cookie. They never call them that. They just call them--
BOTH: --Our new friend.

I went back into the bathroom to digest what I'd just heard.

The filling in the oreo cookie?

BRIAN: Oh my God. The Snobby Gays want you to be their third?
ME: I know, it's crazy.
BRIAN: So what are you going to do about it?
ME: I'm going on a date with them tonight.
BRIAN: Kevin!
ME: They asked me out! I didn't know what to say.
BRIAN: You say, 'No thank you. I would not like to be the ham in your sandwich.'
ME: The monkey in their middle.
BRIAN: The beef patties in their Big Mac.
ME: Okay, that's enough.

The worst part was definitely going to be telling Turner about the date. I was supposed to have gone with him to Dwight's house for a movie night.

I went over Dwight's to give him the bad news in person.

DWIGHT: What do you mean you're backing out?
ME: I'm sorry, but something came up, and you know I don't like early Tarrantino.
NICK: You're the only person I know who can't sit through Reservoir Dogs.

Shudder...Shudder...Stuck in the middle with you...Shudder...

Nick, Scooter, and Dwight were already assembled for a double helping of Tarrantino. They were even considering watching both parts of Kill Bill in succession if they got themselves drunk enough for it.

As much as I love me some Uma, experiences like these are one in a million.

When I explained to the boys what was up, they were all pretty much in agreement.

DWIGHT: I think it's dumb and perverse.
ME: You're jealous because it's not you, aren't you?
DWIGHT: You're damn right I am.
NICK: That makes two of us. Since I told Christopher to take a hike, I haven't gotten so much as a kiss by--
SCOOTER: I could help you out--
NICK: Try it and you're getting yourself a root canal with a paring knife minus the anesthesia.
SCOOTER: Ooookay. Kevin, can I talk to you for a second?

Scooter pulled me into the kitchen under the pretense of giving me head (that's the only pretense he ever uses.)

ME: Yes, Scooter?

He looked at me for a second with something like pride in his eyes, and then hugged me.

ME: Um...okay.
SCOOTER: My little boy is finally becoming a manwhore.

I shoved him aside.

ME: I am not. I just...want to see what they have to say.
SCOOTER: This is going to make for such good bloggage. I might even mention it in my blog.
ME: Would you stop with that? I'm doing this for the experiment.
SCOOTER: Fine. Just make sure you get them in bed so you have something good to close with, okay?
ME: Scooter!

At that moment, Turner came into the kitchen.

TURNER: So, you're blowing us off for the Snobby Gays?
ME: They're not that snobby.
TURNER: Of course not. Now that they're trying to get in your pants.
ME: Turner, nothing is going to happen.
TURNER: That's what they all say.
SCOOTER: I'm going to peace out of this convo. K-Dog, be the filling--be it with pride.
TURNER: I'm going to kill you.
SCOOTER: Later!

After Scooter left, Turner just looked...hurt.

ME: Look, I don't know why you're taking this so personally. I know we kind of hated them, but maybe they're not so bad.
TURNER: I guess lately I've just been disappointed with the gay community as a whole. A community where guys can leave their boyfriends who they've known for years and then not return their phone calls. A community where two assholes can take on a third boy like they're buying a pet or something. A group of people where stuff that in the normal world would be looked down upon is somehow looked at as being cool and spontaneous when really it's just a sad reminder that none of us is ever going to be happy.

And with that, he left the kitchen.

I looked at the pots. I looked at the pans. And I thought to myself...

Fuck it, I'm going.

The gay community may be in shambles, but I can't fix it tonight by sitting in a Republican's living room watching Jackie Brown.

Vincent and Drew were making dinner for me at their place. I got there about ten minutes after I left Dwight's. Drew gave me a big hug as soon as I walked in. He's the smaller of the two, and a little on the immature side. Vincent seems a little more seasoned. He was in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on dinner when I arrived, and he came out with an apron on to give me a full-on mouth kiss.

Okay, I thought, here we go.

Vincent smiled at me after the kiss. Drew was smiling too. This was a little...odd.

VINCENT: Drew, go change into that thing you brought today. I think Kevin will like it.
DREW: Can do.

He disappeared down the hall, presumably into their bedroom.

VINCENT: Come help me set the table.

Vincent had made some sort of noodle dish along with a tomato salad and chicken a la something (sorry I'm not what you would call a culinary master). While I helped him, we chatted a little.

VINCENT: So, have you ever done this before?
ME: Set a table? No, actually. My mother used to just prepare a trough.
VINCENT: You're funny. But I'm serious.
ME: Gone on a date with a couple? No.
VINCENT: Are you nervous?
ME: Are you planning on giving me a pop quiz.
VINCENT: If you're good...

We finished setting the table just as Drew emerged--wearing nothing but a pair of red boxer briefs and a mischievous look on his face.

ME: I'm sorry. Was I overdressed for dinner?
VINCENT: Drew and I just like to work up an appetite before we eat.
ME: But won't the tomatoes get cold?

They both laughed at that, and Vincent proceeded to kiss me on the neck. That must have been the green light for Drew who started kissing me. I was trying to remember that this was not supposed to just be a glorified threeway, but...you really would have needed to see him in the red boxer briefs to understand why I had a hard time being good.

My shirt was off and it looked like I was about to fill the oreo when Vincent whispered something in my ear.

VINCENT: I'm so happy we invited you.

It was the emphasis that he put on you that caught my attention.

I tried to respond, but I just kept moaning until finally I got out:

ME: As opposed to inviting?

Drew heard me and responded with...

DREW: Your friend--the depressing looking one.

It took me until my zipper was half down and Drew was on his knees before I realized they were talking about Turner.

ME: Um, not to...stop the party, but...Turner's not depressing.
VINCENT: Please, Kevin. He's been nothing but morbid for the past--
ME: His boyfriend just broke up with him.
DREW: Surprise, surprise. He's goofy looking.

This is the point where I put all that aside and just keep going with the flow...

...But I couldn't.

Turner's one of those people who I loved the second I saw him, and I can't just stand there while some Yankee Doodle and his Dandy strip me naked and insult one of my best friends.

Still, I was going to try to be civil. I casually pushed Drew back a little and smiled.

ME: Um, Turner's been going through a lot lately and I think maybe if you just--
VINCENT: Kevin, look, be glad he's goofy looking and a downer, otherwise you wouldn't be here right now.

That kind of lit the firework, so to speak.

I zipped my zipper, put my shirt back on, and went to grab my coat from the hall.

DREW: Did I miss something?
ME: Sorry, guys. But I have other plans tonight.
VINCENT: Like what? And before you answer that, keep in mind that we both did gymnastics for most of our lives.

I could hear Scooter in my head begging me not to leave...

ME: I guess it's just...not worth it.

That got the intellectual response I expected:

VINCENT and DREW: Huh?

And I was out of there.

FRIEND: I can't even talk to you right now.
ME: It was the right decision. They were bashing Turner.
FRIEND: I don't care if they were bashing your head against a rock! You were already halfway there!
ME: They were assholes.
FRIEND: Assholes in red boxer briefs!
ME: They were catty.
FRIEND: So am I! I mean, I do it in a classy, tasteful way, but still--
ME: For once, I didn't want to let my d**k do the thinking.
FRIEND: I don't know who you are anymore.

Oh well, he'll get over it.

I went back to Dwight's, but mostly everyone was sleeping except Turner and Nick. Dwight and Scooter passed out before getting to see Uma tango with Lucy Liu.

Part of me was expecting Turner to ignore me, but instead he lifted up the blanket he was laying under and I got in next to him and proceeded to eat some of his popcorn.

TURNER: Date ended early?
ME: Yup.
TURNER: How come?
ME: You were right.
TURNER: Sorry what?
ME: I'm not saying it twice.

He gave me a kiss on the cheek, and we watched Uma.

Not a bad way to spend a Saturday night.