Date #82: You're Gonna Be a Star, Kid

It's every gay boy's dream to have his life turned into an F/X TV series.

Often I watch Nip/Tuck and think--

I could totally be Christian's long-lost gay son.

But alas, some dreams just aren't meant to come true...

...or are they?

I had been set up on a date by my friend Elliot from New York. One of his friends from the city was going to be in Rhode Island, and they wanted someone to hang out with while they were in town.

Without any hesitation I offered to show the guy around my home state. Luckily now that the weather's a little bit warmer I have the beach option open to me.

The guy's name is Jeff.

BRIAN: A New York boy. How exciting.
ME: I know. I'm thinking of giving him a tour of the pumpkin patch.

Brian and I were doing lunch at the N.C. (Nordstrom's Cafe) while we discussed my date that night with Jeff.

BRIAN: Is he a native New Yorker?
ME: I don't know. I didn't ask.
BRIAN: Native New Yorkers are hot.
ME: Geography has nothing to with whether someone is hot or not.
BRIAN: Spoken by someone whose never been to Italy.
ME: Touche.

I called Elliot back to get the scoop on Jeff.

The Rundown:

- From L.A. originally
- Majoring in Business at N.Y.U.
- Total Entourage type
- Name Drops
- Sexy in a Cocky way

Hey, why not? Who doesn't love Drama?

I met Jeff downtown. I thought we'd walk around Providence a little before decided on a primary date location.

He was on his cell phone when I approached--stereotypical but true--however he did shut it of immediately upon seeing me.

JEFF: Hi, you must be Kevin.
ME: I must be.
JEFF: It's so great to meet you. I feel like I already know you.
ME: Wow, Elliot told you that much about me?
JEFF: Um, it's a little more...Why don't we walk and talk?
ME: Sounds good.

We started our trek around the city headed toward the mall. The night created the perfect atmosphere--an ideal mix of warm and comfortable.

JEFF: So the truth is, I know way more about you than you think.
ME: Okay.
JEFF: I'm actually...a fan of the blog.
ME: Ugh, I can't believe Elliot told you about the blog.
JEFF: He didn't. Well, not intentionally. He posted one of your entries on his facebook--
ME: Technology always kills my cover.

He laughed and we made our way past the new G-Tech building.

JEFF: I have to admit; I love it. It's funny, it's honest, it's--
ME: It's also against my policy to date guys who know about it.
JEFF: Why don't you think I kept my mouth shut when I asked Elliot if he had any Rhode Island friends?
ME: So did you even need to come to Rhode Island for--
JEFF: Aside from the fact that I wanted to hang out with you--No.

Kind of flattering, not gonna lie.

ME: You know you could have just asked Elliot for my phone number and told me what a genius I was over the phone.
JEFF: True, but I wanted to propose something to you in person.
ME: Oh yeah, like what? And don't say a three-way, I know you crazy New York boys and your ways.

We were now standing in front of the Cheesecake Factory.

JEFF: Actually, I was going to ask how you'd feel about being filmed. About having the blog filmed, I mean.
ME: Filmed?

Did he just say filmed?

We got a table at the C.F. and Jeff proceeded to lay out why he came here in the first place.

JEFF: My major is marketing, as I'm sure Elliot told you, but coming from L.A., I have a large interest in the film industry.
ME: Okay.
JEFF: Anyway, I've been trying for the past couple of years to finance a film project along with my buddy Marc.
ME: Like a movie?
JEFF: We hadn't really decided on what we wanted to do. We were going to wait until the right piece of work came along.

I have always been told that I'm a piece of work.

JEFF: We think the blog would be perfect.
ME: In terms of actually...doing it?
JEFF: You got it.
ME: But I'm not even finished with it yet.
JEFF: But you'll be done by your 23rd birthday in July right?
ME: Um...yeah.
JEFF: And we would start filming in August.
ME: This is just kind of...how are you going to fit my entire blog into one movie?
JEFF: Kevin, if they can fit a 600 page Harry Potter book into two and a half hours, we shouldn't have any problems with your blog.

This was crazy. I mean, was he really saying that he was going to film the blog? Like a movie? Like a tv show? Like Nip/Tuck and Flip This House?

Okay, maybe not like Flip This House.

ME: And what would happen once you filmed it?
JEFF: We would shop it around. That kind of thing.
ME: This is just a little unexpected.
JEFF: Look at it this way, worse comes to worse, you have a cinematic adaptation of your work. How many people can say that?

Yeah, how many people can say that?

JEFF: So what do you think?

I didn't know what to think. This was amazing, but was this guy even legit? What does 'shopping it around' mean? Who would play me in the movie?

I needed to talk to someone who knew about the blog and get an unbiased and sobering opinion.

SCOOTER: We're going to be in a moooovie...

Clearly the wrong choice.

SCOOTER: In a mooooovie--
ME: Scooter knock it off! I needed someone to give me the pros and cons about this.
SCOOTER: Man, I am going to get laid so much once this happens.
ME: It might not happen.
SCOOTER: Of course it's going to happen. Why would you say no to this?
ME: Because I don't even know this guy.
SCOOTER: But your friend knows him right?

I was already on that. Elliot said that Jeff and his friend Marc were actually considered to be an upcoming force to be reckoned with on the college film scene in New York. They had already done several smaller works that had been featured at different film festivals around the city. He said if they wanted to adapt the blog, I couldn't be in better hands.

SCOOTER: Cha ching!
ME: Now wait a minute, I'm not even done with this thing yet. How can they want to make a movie out of this when they don't even know the ending yet?
SCOOTER: Kevin, your blog is clearly a romantic comedy. It's going to end well.
ME: Tell that to the guy whose 18 dates away from finishing and still hasn't met anyone that can be considered soulmate material.
SCOOTER: Charlie, Andy, Turner--
ME: Okay, okay--
SCOOTER: --Me?
ME: Hahahahahahaha... Thanks I needed that.

Now that the "charade" date was out of the way, Jeff and I decided to have a full-on business date. We went to Paragon and I even wore my Adrian Grenier shirt--I don't think he noticed since the shirt doesn't do much in the way of making me look like Adrian Grenier (although I do look somewhat Aquaman-ish).

JEFF: So I talked to Marc, and we're prepared to get an agreement in writing.
ME: You don't think it's a little odd that you're paying for an imcomplete piece?
JEFF: Why? Should I be worried that after over 80 entries you're going to just stop randomly.
ME: No, but I just thought I'd be fair and ask.
JEFF: Thanks, but I'm all right with looking out for myself.

Now I was going to dig a little deeper.

ME: So what do you think you'd have to change to make the story...um..work for your purposes?
JEFF: That's actually something I wanted to discuss with you. The blog is great, and I love some of the recurring characters--Brian, Turner, Scooter--
ME: You mean my friends?
JEFF: Right. They're fantastic. I just don't think they work.
ME: Excuse me?
JEFF: The story isn't about a guy trying to make friends. It's about him--
ME: Me.
JEFF: You, right, you. It's about you looking for love.
ME: And, in looking for love, I happened to find some friends.

I could tell that this was something Jeff didn't like having to go over with me. He must have known it would be a sore spot.

ME: I just don't see how you can cut all those guys out.
JEFF: We do need to streamline, Kevin.
ME: Streamlining is one thing, but completely altering--
JEFF: It's just the way things happen.
ME: Well it's not going to be the way things happen to me.
JEFF: Look, you were the one who pointed out that it's incredibly hard to adapt something this large--
ME: And you gave me that Harry Potter speech. But in Harry Potter, you don't see them cutting out Ron and Hermoine!

This was getting a little more heated than I would have liked, but I was sticking to my guns. My friends are a big part of this blog, and I'm not going to let them just be evaporated--regardless of why or where they're being evaporated.

JEFF: This is small potatoes, Kevin. There are much bigger things you might want to think about.
ME: Like what?
JEFF: Like who you end up with once this is all over.
ME: I told you, I don't know if that'll happen. I might end up with just my now non-existent friends--not that that would be a totally bad thing.

Wow, did I just say if I end up alone it might not be a bad thing? Was that really me?

JEFF: Marc and I think it would be really terrific if there was a twist at the end.
ME: I'm sorry, but aren't you student filmmakers?
JEFF: Yeah, why?
ME: Because you sound like cliched studio types from MGM or something in the 30's.
JEFF: We just want to do justice to your work.
ME: My work is a just a blog about dating. It's not Gone with the Wind.
JEFF: Then why are you being so protective of it?
ME: Because it's my life.
JEFF: Can I at least tell you my idea?
ME: Sure.
JEFF: We want you to end up with Roque. You know, the crazy guy from Date--

And we're done.

I listened, but at the same time I wasn't listening at all. As great an opportunity as this was that I was about to pass up, I'm a theater guy--and I have a motto--

FRIEND: Don't f**k with the magic.
ME: Exactly.
FRIEND: And don't let some grubby little hoo-hah wannabe touch that blog. I already own the exclusive film rights and any sequels that might feature other characters, including and especially Friend.
ME: Sorry, I wasn't aware.
FRIEND: I'm talking to people who are talking to people. Things are being talked about.
ME: So you think I made the right choice?
FRIEND: You should have told that hack to f**k off--he might have appreciated it since he's such a fan. Other than that, you did fine.
ME: Thanks, Friend.

Of course, it still would have been nice to have become famous and one day hear Julian McMahon say:

Tell me what you don't like about yourself.

But for now, surprisingly, I'm all set.