Date #85: Ugly-itis

It's always nice when a guy flatters you.

SEAN: I just can't get over how cute you are.

Especially when the guy himself isn't too hard on the eyes.

SEAN: I can't believe you're still single. You're just so sharp looking.

I mean, how can you resist, right?

SEAN: I look at you and I forget my own name.

So how could any of this make you feel bad about yourself?

Easy.

You see who else he's been saying it about.

BRIAN: He's got ugly-itis, huh?
ME: Big time ugly-itis.

Brian and I were discussing this horrid disease sweeping the nation over lunch at the N.C.

ME: It's just odd to me that someone's type could actually be...
BRIAN: ...Of the unattractive variety?
ME: I wish I could use nicer terminology.
BRIAN: He likes butt ugly dudes. How does that work for you?
ME: This is making me feel worse.

I should probably catch you up to speed.

Met a guy.
Went on a date.
He complimented me...a lot.

SEAN: Do people ever tell you that you should model?

Went home.
Beamed from ear to ear.
Looked on his myspace.
Found a few of the guys he's dated.
And they're all...

BRIAN: Zoo creatures from Jupiter?
ME: Let's be a little more sensitive than that.
BRIAN: Has he dated a bald guy?
ME: Check.
BRIAN: A guy with bad teeth?
ME: Check.
BRIAN: Bad skin?
ME: Check.
BRIAN: Overweight guy?
ME: Yup.
BRIAN: Dare I ask...all of the above?
ME: Pretty much all of them.
BRIAN: Cut...him...loose.

But it's a little more complicated than that.

Isn't it always?

If he thought all those guys were cute, then does that mean I'm...you know...

BRIAN: In the Fugly Club?
ME: It's not that I really put all that much stock in looks--
BRIAN: Kevin--
ME: Okay, so I put some stock in it, but not a lot. I mean, it doesn't hurt if the guy has nice pecs and a washboard stomach, but I don't require it. It's just that...
BRIAN: You want to know if you're attractive or not?
ME: Yes, I want to. Tell me. Tell me I'm not a troll.
BRIAN: I would, but I mean, I've never really thought of you that way.
ME: Come on, Brian. We went out on a date together. We almost fooled around. You can't say you've never thought about me...in that way.
BRIAN: Yeah, but it's all subjective. I mean, who cares what I think?
ME: I care! Am I hot or not?

He looked at me for a moment with a pained expression on his face. Then he said:

BRIAN: No.

I was a little flabbergasted.

ME: No?
BRIAN: No, you're not.
ME: Are you serious?
BRIAN: Kevin, you know me. Do you think I would have been able to maintain a friendship like the one I have with you if I was attracted to you in any way? I'd never be able to let my guard down in front of you.
ME: So how do you let down your guard for people you're dating? You must be attracted to them!
BRIAN: That's something me and my therapist have been talking about a lot.
ME: So I'm not cute or anything?
BRIAN: In my opinion...negative.

I wanted a second opinion.

NICK: I know just how you feel.
ME: You do?
NICK: Yup.

I had asked Nick out to a bookstore while we conversed about whether or not I should find a hole to crawl into in order to shield society from my hideous visage.

NICK: I once went out on a date with a guy. Really cute. Really nice. Really never called me back after the first date. I figure, well, he's really attractive, maybe he was a little out of my league. I mean, it hurt to admit it, but I had to face facts. Then I see him out a few days later with this guy who is an utter gremlin. I mean, pour water on this boy and he's going to sprout brothers and sisters off his back.
ME: Gotcha.
NICK: At first I was pissed. Then I realized. This guy either had really bad taste, in which case I'm glad he didn't find me attractive because that would have meant I was gross--
ME: Um, Nick...
NICK: Or he was just into dating ugly guys because it made him feel good being the hot one in the relationship, so it was just--
ME: The thing is, Sean actually thinks I'm cute.

Awkward pause.

NICK: He does?
ME: Yeah.
NICK: Oh...So you're just worried that...
ME: That I'm unattractive.
NICK: Yeah...um...hey, look at this book here--Crazy, huh?
ME: The Old Man and the Sea?
NICK: Yeah, how about him? Being old and on the sea and shit...

This was going to send me straight to a plastic surgeon.

I decided I needed to take a more proactive approach.

After asking Sean if we could hang out again, I went over his house and asked to check my myspace on his computer. While he was talking to me I casually clicked on his myspace.

ME: Hey, look at these guys on your wall. Did you date all these guys?
SEAN: Yup.
ME: Wow...they're all so...varied in the way they...look.
SEAN: I know.
ME: Would you say you have a certain...type?
SEAN: That's kind of an interesting question.
ME: I was just wondering.
SEAN: A physical type, no. As a matter of fact, my friends all gave me a hard time for dating most of these guys.
ME: Oh yeah? How come?
SEAN: Because physically, I guess, most of them aren't exactly great to look at.

Self-aware, hallelujah!

ME: Do you think that I'm--
SEAN: Oh Kev, I'm aware that you're way better looking that anyone I've ever dated.

Oh, thank God.

ME: Oh, that's no big deal.
SEAN: The thing is, all these guys made me laugh. To me, a guy who can make you laugh is ten times sexier than some musclehead whose just going to flex and expect me to jump him.
ME: So that's why you're so attracted to me?
SEAN: Because you make me laugh...and the fact that you are, in fact, quite cute doesn't hurt either.

Johnny, show him what he's won!

Now I just have to get over the fact that I was so hung up over how I look.

FRIEND: I'm not giving you my opinion until you stop shopping in the Before section at Before and After.
ME: I wasn't planning on asking you. You've been known to give people eating disorders.
FRIEND: One more and I get a Lifetime special.
ME: I just can't believe Brian doesn't think I'm attractive. Shouldn't us being so close--
FRIEND: Honey, the truth is--Brian was right. You can't even get close to someone until you relinquish that voice inside you that says 'This guy is hot. Stop spilling your guts to him and start unzipping your pants.'
ME: So friendship and attraction just don't mix.
FRIEND: Not unless the kind of buddy you're seeking is a f**k buddy.
ME: And what do you think about this guy being attracted to guys who make him laugh?
FRIEND: If I want to laugh, I'll go to a drag show and throw shoes at people. When I'm with a man I want a $%*$ and a *#$*

Well, everyone's entitled to their own opinion.