Date #92: Allan and the Alabama Assholes

I'm sure this has happened to everyone.

You're at a club and you notice a really hot guy with a group of--what you assume to be--his friends. There's usually a mix amongst the friends of hot, not-so-hot, and really not-so-hot. And undoubtedly the not-so-hot guy is always three things:

1) He's incredibly cocky.
2) He's all over the hot guy.
3) He's making sure nobody else is all over the hot guy or anywhere near the rest of his group.

It's almost strategic. The group shows up together, they drink together, they dance together--they form a United Front, if you will. The problem is everyone in the club is wondering the same thing:

Why would the hot guy hang around the cocky troll?

Having been a member of that group--granted, not the hot member, but still a member, let me explain it.

ME: The not-so-hot guy is usually the one pulling all the strings.
BRIAN: But why do the hot guys let that happen?

Brian and I were going over this little social situation at the N.C.

ME: Because usually the hot guys are messed up in some way.
BRIAN: Just like all hot guys.
ME: Pretty much.
BRIAN: So why can't we find a hot guy to push around?
ME: Because I don't think you should live your life pushing around someone more attractive than you just to make other people jealous.
BRIAN: Kevin, I live my whole life to make other people jealous.

We got around to this topic because of my confrontation with Allan. I guess I'm going to have to backtrack a little...

After I left a message on his answering machine, Allan called while I was at work the next day and offered to meet me at his place on the east side. Of course, it was that day that my entire head became congested and it seemed like my entire body was aching. Now I was going into battle a weakened man.

Part of me wanted to bring back up, and once I got there it seemed like an even better idea since the person who opened the door to his apartment was not Allan, but rather, a cute little Portuguese boy in a wet bathing suit.

CPB (Cute Portuguese Boy): Hi!

I detected an adorable Southern accent right away, but I was also immediately disgusted. The kid looked like he was about seventeen.

I see Allan's reached the age where he now employs houseboys. I wonder if he'll step out of some back room in a kimono and order little Opie here to bring us cocktails.

ME: Hi, is Allan around?
CPB: He'll be back. He ran to the store. Won't you come in?

I did. The apartment was very nice. Allan always did have good taste in just about everything. He believed in nice clothes, nice cars, cute friends--the works.

ME: I'm Kevin, by the way.
CPB: Oh, I know. Allan told me. I'm Jesse.
ME: Allan's--?
CPB/JESSE: His roommate. I just moved up here from Alabama.

An Alabama Slammer--argh, don't think that. He's a kid.

ME: So...you're in a bathing suit.
JESSE: Yeah, I went for a swim at my friend's pool and when you knocked I was in the shower so I just grabbed the swimsuit and put it on so I'd have something to answer the door in. People seem to frown upon answering the door in your birthday suit up here.
ME: As opposed to down there?
JESSE: Down where I'm from I make it a habit of answering the door naked.
ME: You must get a lot of gentlemen callers.
JESSE: From Blue Mountain? Tons.

Wow, he picked up a Glass Menagerie reference--and a rather loose one at that.

JESSE: I'll be out of your hair for tonight. I just need to get changed.

He went into his bedroom and I sat down on the couch. After a few minutes, he reappeared wearing a rather tight pair of a jeans and a cute little t-shirt. Everything about him was just...cute.

JESSE: Are you two planning to talk long?
ME: Well, I'm not.

My goal was to say what I needed to say and then get out of there. I had a date later that night that I was meeting for a drink (Sprite for me) at the new third floor of a local club. The atmosphere was laid back enough to have an actual conversation in, which was nice. Turner and Nick were going to meet me there in case the date didn't go well. Truthfully, I should have canceled the whole thing since I didn't feel well, but the dating must go on.

JESSE: Don't take this the wrong way, but you look a little piqued.
ME: I'm not feeling all that well.
JESSE: Can I get you something? Tylenol? Juice? Booze?
ME: Booze?
JESSE: My mother's favorite remedy.
ME: I'll pass, thanks.
JESSE: Aw, you're an abstainer. That's so neat.
ME: Neat? Did you just call me neat?
JESSE Neat is fantastic. You never meet neat people anymore.
ME: I'll give you that one.

Just then the door opened and Allan walked in. He saw me. I stood. It was something like two old friends and two people about to duel.

ME: Hi Allan.
ALLAN: Hello Kevin.

Jesse could probably sense the tension in the room. He grabbed a set of keys off the table near the door and made his exit.

JESSE: I'll see you at the club tonight, Allan.

With my luck, it was probably the same club I was meeting my date at.

JESSE: It was really neat meeting you, Kevin.
ME: It was neat meeting you too, Jesse.

The door shut. And then there were two.

I'm 18 all over again...

ALLAN: I'm fucking ugly, Kevin. I know it. You don't have to lie to me.
ME: Allan, I don't think that at all.
ALLAN: Then why does nobody like me?
ME: I'm sure lots of guys like you.
ALLAN: And what? They're all just hiding out somewhere? Afraid to show their feelings?

He had me there. We were at his apartment on his couch. Some old movie was playing on the television.

ALLAN: I just...I just wish someone would kiss me. Just for once in my life I wish someone would make me feel like I was worth that.

And I thought...What the hell, right? I mean, he wasn't a bad looking guy at all. Just compared to Travis and Teddy...Well, there really wasn't any comparison.

Still, he shouldn't feel ugly. That just wasn't right. So I leaned over and kissed him.

I meant to kiss him for a second, but he pulled me into him and before I knew it he was taking my shirt off...I pulled back and jumped off the couch.

ME: What are you doing?
ALLAN: You kissed me.
ME: You said you wanted someone to kiss you!
ALLAN: So what? That was a pity kiss?
ME: I didn't--I just wanted to--

He got up off the couch and looked at me with utter contempt.

ALLAN: What a fucking cocktease.

And with that, he went into his bedroom.

I remember sitting back down on the couch and watching the movie for another twenty minutes. That look...that look just tore right through you. You had value, and then all of a sudden...you didn't.

But that was when I was 18...

...And I'm all grown up now.

ALLAN: So I guess I thought it about it, and I can't really figure out what it is you think we need to talk about.
ME: It's not so much a talk I want to have. I'd just like to comment.
ALLAN: Comment? Go ahead.
ME: You're a fucking asshole.
ALLAN: Wow, quite a comment. Are we done?
ME: No. You're a fucking asshole who took advantage of an 18-year-old and I wonder, how does that make you feel?
ALLAN: I never took advantage of you. If I recall, you're the one who tried attacking me in my living room one night--
ME: After your little boo hoo hoo sob story about how you're so goddammed ugly. P.S, I probably should have just agreed with you.
ALLAN: I didn't have much self-esteem back then.
ME: Is that what you did? Used to your insecurities as a weapon?
ALLAN: No, that was always your best trick, Kevin.
ME: Fuck off.
ALLAN: Gladly.

He opened the door to his apartment.

ALLAN: I'd love to keep going with this--
ME: Oh, I don't need to. I've just wanted to tell you what I've thought of you for years.
ALLAN: Mission accomplished. I'm sure I'll see you around town.
ME: You'll see me tonight most likely.
ALLAN: Terrific. Just do me a favor and try not to bring down the overall look of the club with your rather bland appearance.

I walked out thinking...You're going to eat those f**king words, d**khead.

What can I say? I was mad.

When I arrived at the club, nobody was there to meet me.

Actually, that's not entirely true. Jesse was there with these two incredibly snotty-looking cavemen. He waved to me and walked over. The cavemen stayed where they were.

JESSE: We meet again.
ME: It must be fate.
JESSE: Must be. How'd things go with Allan?
ME: About as good as I expected.
JESSE: That good, huh?
ME: Did he fill you in on our history at all?
JESSE: Yeah, but I kinda took it with a grain of salt. Otherwise, I'd be throwing holy water at you right now.

Sounds about right.

JESSE: So are you meeting someone here?
ME: Yeah, I'm actually meeting a date here.

It was then that I realized I was ten minutes late and my date still wasn't here. I checked my phone and it turned out that my date had sent me a text letting me know he wasn't feeling well and that we'd have to take a rain check.

Well, that was all right. I wasn't feeling too hot either, and now I had an excuse to leave.

ME: I guess I've been stood up. I'm probably just going to go home.

But just then, Nick and Turner appeared, and they wouldn't take my leaving for an answer. Neither would Jesse, actually.

JESSE: You should stay. That way you can owe me a dance for later. I got to get back to my friends though. They're in from Alabama and I promised to get them laid while they were in town.

I looked over and one of the cavemen seemed to tsk and then turn away from me.

ME: Good luck with that.

Jesse smiled at me.

JESSE: I might not have the best taste in friends, but at least I've done a decent job when it comes to picking boyfriends. I haven't dated a jerk yet.
NICK: And how many guys have you dated total?
JESSE: Oh, just the one. But I'm very optimistic for the future.

With that, he winked and walked away.

TURNER: What a little Southern dandy.
ME: I know.
NICK: He seemed to like you.
ME: Don't even suggest it. He's Allan's roommate.
TURNER: How did that go?
ME: It went all right. I feel much better now that I've said what I needed to say. Of course, I'm still sneezing every minute and my head feels like it's going to explode on top of the fact that I just got stood up but other than all that, things are great.
NICK: You should go ask the dandy to dance.
ME: Absolutely not.
TURNER: It would probably get right under Allan's skin.

He was right. But I didn't want to drag an innocent person into the War of Kevin and Allan.

NICK: He asked for a dance. I'm just saying go take him up on his offer.

I looked across the bar at Jesse. What I saw was that Allan had now shown up and he was already forming his Fortress of Solitude. No way was I getting anywhere near Jesse tonight.

TURNER: Wow, they almost look like that wall of shields the army makes when its under attack.
ME: He's perfected it over the years. Back when I was the fresh meat in his group you would have had to hire the F.B.I. to get me out of that little cage of gays.
NICK: My father worked for the F.B.I. actually.
ME: Shut up, did he?
NICK: Yup. I bet I can penetrate that little cage.
TURNER: What do you say, Kevin? You want to let him give it a shot?
ME: Hey, I'm always down for a good penetration.

Awkward silence.

ME: I'm kidding. I was just...poor choice of words...I'm sick, people! Cut me some slack!

Nick put his plan into action almost immediately. He walked over to the bar and instructed the bartender to buy a drink for for Caveman #1. Then he walked back over to our table while the drink was delivered.

You could tell that Caveman #1 had never had someone buy him a drink before, because his eyes lit up like a Broadway marquee and he instantly stopped shooting nasty looks over at our table. Nick waved at him a little and he waved back, which sent Allan into a tizzy. The two of them seemed to argue back and forth, and then Caveman #1 came over bringing Caveman #2 with him.

CAVEMAN #1: Hey, thanks for the drink.
NICK: No problem. I'm sure you get that all the time.
CAVEMAN #2: Him, please?
CAVEMAN #1: Shut up, Matt!

Turner now played his part and addressed Caveman #2.

TURNER: And who's buying you drinks, Matt?

Caveman #2 melted before Turner finished the question.

CAVEMAN #2: You're free to do so if you like.
TURNER: Oh, I would definitely like to.
NICK: Let's all go downstairs and dance a little first.
TURNER: You boys want to dance?

They nodded vigorously and pretty soon I was upstairs by myself watching Allan have a firm discussion with Jesse. After a few minutes, Jesse walked over to me and Allan disappeared downstairs.

JESSE: That was a funny little trick you pulled.
ME: Actually I didn't pull it. My friends did.
JESSE: Your friends are pretty sly.
ME: No, they're not. I just think your friends are pretty stupid.
JESSE: Also a good possibility.

We talked and talked, and pretty soon I forgot that I was talking to Allan's roommate who I should be avoiding like the plague.

JESSE: So it looks like I might have ended up being your date tonight, huh?
ME: I don't mind, but I'd imagine you're in big trouble right now.
JESSE: I'm only staying with Allan temporarily until I find my own place. I just moved in with him after I saw a posting on craigslist.
ME: It's too bad you didn't get lucky and move in with a serial killer.
JESSE: Hey now, he's always been nice to me...But he is a little controlling at times. I don't like being forbidden to do anything.
ME: He forbid you to talk to me?
JESSE: Oh, he forbid me to even look in your direction.
ME: I guess it's kind of sad that we still hate each other this much after all these years.
JESSE: You must have hurt each other pretty bad.

Nobody's ever going to want you...You're such a cocktease...I don't like you that way, Allan...He's not even half as cute as Teddy or Travis...

ME: I think it's safe to say we both did our fair share.

Two seconds later I went into a coughing fit, and it was then that I decided to take off. Jesse walked me downstairs where I said good-bye to Turner and Nick, who were still dancing with the Cavemen and shooting me two "You owe us big" looks.

I saw Allan sitting at the far end of the bar downstairs having a drink by himself. He looked so old to me now, even though we were still only a couple of years apart. He'd valued all the wrong things and hurt everyone who ever cared about him--and I'd done a lot of both, too.

Looking at him, I felt bad. I felt like he had become what all of us fear and what so many of us come so close to experiencing--being alone, truly alone.

FRIEND: And then you walked over and kicked the stool out from underneath him, right?
ME: No, I was going for a moment of clarity there.
FRIEND: F**k clarity. What about revenge?
ME: Believe me, if you could have seen him, you would have seen that life's getting its own revenge.
FRIEND: Funny how somehow who tries to keep his friends close and everyone else shut out ends up just shutting out all his friends anyway.
ME: Excellent observation.
FRIEND: The new guy I'm f**king subscribes to Psychology Today.

As sick as I was feeling, I couldn't drive away from the club that night. Instead I drove to a CVS, bought a little notepad, and wrote down the following.

Dear Allan,

We both screwed up. We'll never be best friends, but we can at least stop hating each other for our own sakes. I'm a different person now than I was then, and I'm sure you are, too. So why can't we put those two people to rest and just move from it all?

I hope we can.

Kevin

I left the letter in his mailbox and drove off. The funny thing is, as soon as I did it, my head seemed to clear up, and I felt much, much better.