Date #91: What If...

Hey Kev, you hungry?

I got out my face. That face I plan on using if I ever lose an Emmy Award. It's the "I'm not surprised or unhappy about this at all" face.

I slapped that face on and said--

"Hey Paye, how's it going?"

What if...I was standing in this kitchen right now?

TURNER: Do not use butter for the scrambled eggs. Use vegetable oil.
ME: Vegetable oil gives it that funny taste.

I'm cooking breakfast at midnight with Turner. He's walking around in his boxers and a t-shirt that says "Save the Planet for Captain Planet."

I'm wearing a t-shirt that says "Go Big or Go Home" (borrowed from him) and sweatpants.

TURNER: You know some people actually eat meals aside from breakfast.
ME: And what meal would that be at midnight?

He kisses me on the cheek and I pull him in front of me so that I can wrap my arms around him.

TURNER: You making pancakes too?
ME: Of course I'm making pancakes. What would a midnight breakfast be without pancakes?
TURNER: Don't forget we're going to my Mom's tomorrow for her birthday.
ME: We're taking her to that seafood place where your Dad complains about the prices?
TURNER: You know it.
ME: Fun stuff.

He turns around and wraps his arms around my neck while the eggs form little perfect scrambled groupings in the pan.

TURNER: You love me?
ME: Like whoa.
TURNER: Like whoa, huh?
ME: Like major whoa.

I kiss him and...

PAYE: Kev?

...I'm back in the kitchen.

ME: Um, could I have a drink of water?

Turner gets me my drink, while Paye excuses himself to use the bathroom. I sit at the kitchen table.

TURNER: You're upset, aren't you?
ME: Why would I be upset? I have no right to be upset.
TURNER: I know, but you're still upset. You're doing the face.
ME: What face?
TURNER: The 'I just lost my third Daytime Emmy' face.
ME: Dammit, I forgot I told you about that.

Turner leans over and looks me square in the eye.

TURNER: I didn't plan for this. I really didn't.
ME: It's okay, Turner. I'm just a little--
TURNER: I am, too. Paye and I--it just happened, but now...I don't know. I just feel so good with him. Like...safe, nice--I know it's really soon after Gary, but--
ME: Hey, whatever makes you happy--makes me happy. Honestly.
TURNER: You don't hate me? I was going to tell you, but I was just--

I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

ME: You're one of my best friends in the world. I could never hate you.
TURNER: Wow, where's the overreactor I've come to know and love?
ME: He's starting to wonder what his life would be like if he had made certain...different...choices.

What if...

I'm having lunch with my boyfriend, Brian, at the N.C. We're trying to make it quick since we have a party to get to later that night.

BRIAN: So the sex last night wasn't disappointing?
ME: Brian--
BRIAN: I'm just asking.
ME: It was fine.
BRIAN: I don't want our sex to be fine. I want to be earth-shaking.
ME: We've been together for almost a year. You can't expect it to still be earth-shaking.
BRIAN: So what--if we're together for six years it'll become less earth-shaking with each passing year?
ME: I don't know. I've never been with anyone for six years before, so I couldn't tell you.
BRIAN: This is a stupid argument to be having, isn't it?
ME: Yes, it is, because I love you, I think you're the sexiest man on the planet, and any time I get to see you naked is utterly earth-shaking for me.

He smiles and steals a piece of chicken off my plate.

BRIAN: You love me, huh?
ME: More than my luggage.
BRIAN: You're ridiculous.
ME: I know, I know.

He leans across the table to kiss me and--

BRIAN: --And anyone I think they might be very good for each other.
ME: What?
BRIAN: Paye and Turner. I think they could be very good for each other.
ME: I agree.
BRIAN: That's it?
ME: Huh?
BRIAN: No catty comments. No predictions of disaster.
ME: I don't have the strength to predict disaster anymore.

He picks a piece of chicken off my plate.

BRIAN: Don't make it a habit. I don't want to be left on a catty limb all by myself.
ME: No worries. I'm not planning on reforming my bitchy ways. I've just been thinking about choices lately.
BRIAN: Choices?
ME: Yeah, choices. I've been on ninety dates in a little under a year. Tonight will be ninety-one. Should I have done something different along the way? Should I have tried harder with certain guys? Have I passed up anyone worthwhile?
BRIAN: You can't change the past, Kevin.
ME: I know, but you also can't help but think about it from time to time.

My date that night was going to be with this guy Wes. We'd met while I was in college, but had only just recently managed to recconnect. We were going out for dinner but I felt like my mind wasn't in the right place.

WES: So how's post-college life treating you?
ME: It's good so far. Definitely a transistional period.
WES: Do you date a lot around here?
ME: Define 'a lot.'

He laughed. Behind him I could see Charlie shaking his head.

CHARLIE: Do you actually think anything's going to come from this date?
ME: I don't know. I only expected a hookup from you and look where that went.
CHARLIE: Everyone always wants to know what happened to me.

That I don't understand. Nobody ever wondered what happened to all those girls Zach dated on Saved by the Bell and never talked to again. Do you realize that at one point Zach dated a bling girl and a girl in a wheelchair on that show, had these long, tearful monologues about how he didn't care that they were blind or disabled because he'd love them anyway, and then the next episode came and they were nowhere to be found.

And yet I don't mention Charlie for awhile and everyone gets on my case.

CHARLIE: That's because they could tell I was special.
ME: You were special but it just didn't work out.
CHARLIE: Because I wanted a relationship.
ME: No, you wanted a marriage. There's a difference.
CHARLIE: You didn't want to commit.
ME: Why do you think I'm doing all this? Blogging, dating, driving myself crazy--I want a commitment! I want to meet that amazing guy who I'll want to spend years of my life with--maybe my whole life, but I'm not just going to settle for anybody!
CHARLIE: Maybe you need to accept the fact that even if that guy came along, you wouldn't have any room in your life for him to occupy.

With that, he disintegrated back into the far corners of my mind.

WES: Peronally, I find the current political climate very--
ME: I'm sorry, what?
WES: The political climate. I don't know how familiar you are with--
ME: Yes! I mean, I am familiar. Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off.
WES: It's okay. Do you have any early favorites?
ME: I'm going to go with Edwards. Just because I need a democrat, and I'm not stupid enough to think that Alabama and Arkansas wouldn't just revolt and secede before they'd let themselves be governed by a woman or an African-American.
WES: Wow, you got some cynical views there.
ME: I just say what I think.

...Which is usually what gets me into trouble.

What if...

DWIGHT: I'm so disgusted right now.
ME: We in agreement on that.

Dwight and I are watching the Republican debates.

DWIGHT: All these people who supported the war and the administration are just turning with the tide to get a few extra votes.
ME: It'll be more than a few extra votes, honey. Nobody is going to win an election this year saying that the war was anything but a mistake.

I get up to make some more popcorn. Dwight follows me to the microwave.

DWIGHT: Is it so wrong that I still want to believe in my President? That I need to trust that a few years ago everyone wasn't standing behind something simply because they though that was what their constituents wanted?
ME: Well isn't that their job? To do what their constituents want them to do?
DWIGHT: Not if it's the wrong thing to do!
ME: It's hard to determine what the right and wrong things are nowadays, Dwight.

He leans against the counter looking glum. I press the "Start" button on the microwave and give him a kiss.

DWIGHT: You realize you're actually defending Republicans just to cheer me up, right?
ME: I do what I can.
DWIGHT: I love you.
ME: I love you, too.

Back in the real world, the political conversation had just ended before we arrived at Wes' place.

WES: Can I get you anything? I know you don't drink, but--
ME: Sprite would be great if you have it.
WES: I have it indeed.

He disappeared into his kitchen.

SCOOTER: He seems all right to me.
ME: He'd make a better boyfriend than you would, that's for sure.
SCOOTER: Why? Because I'm oversexed? Because I burp the alphabet? Because--
ME: Either of the first two would have been fine.
SCOOTER: But you and I have something that you can't just create.
ME: Which would be--?
SCOOTER: Chemistry. We have major chemistry.
ME: Chemistry is something the destructive part of our minds create to draw us towards people who aren't any good for us.
SCOOTER: I seem to remember us being very good for each other in certain areas--
ME: We're not having this discussion in the living room of the boy I'm on a date with, Scooter.
SCOOTER: You're the one whose imagining this conversation, Broccoli.
ME: I'm just wishing I was sitting in the living room of someone I've been dating for ten months now instead of sitting here at the starting line for what seems like the millionth time. That's what I hate when something doesn't work out, you know? Back to the starting line. It just feels like you're always building this thing that's never going to be finished and you're not even building it for anyone. It just disappears every day and you have to start all over again.
SCOOTER: Wow...That is fucking depressing as hell.

Good to know Imaginary Scooter is just as sensitive as Real Scooter.

WES: So, Kev, what do you do for fun?
ME: I hunt kittens in the forest.
WES: Is that so?
ME: No, I just wanted to answer that question once without saying 'theater, reading, movies.'
WES: I like theater, reading, and movies.
ME: Most people do. My favorite is when people say 'I'm into music.' I mean, isn't everyone into music? Who doesn't like some kind of music?
WES: Honestly, music really isn't that big a deal to me.

What if...

I'm at the karaoke bar on my birthday--my 23rd birthday. All the regulars are there.

SCOOTER: Just think. Today would have been the day you finished the blog.
ME: God, can you imagine me still writing that thing? How many dates can you possibly go on in this town? You'd run out of guys.
TURNER: I thought it was a neat idea. It would have been cool to have seen you carry it out.
ME: Well thank God it didn't take me 100 dates to find Nick. I probably would have checked myself into an institution if it took a year to find a decent guy.
BRIAN: At least you were less of a prick when you weren't happily taken.
TURNER: Brian!
ME: It's okay. I know not everyone likes hanging around someone whose content in their life. I hope you find that kind of joy one day, Brian.
DWIGHT: Here's hoping we all find that kind of joy.

We hear silence as Nick approaches the mic.

NICK: This is for my amazing boyfriend on his birthday. I love you, babe.

I mouth the words "I love you, too" and he starts to sing.

I would give up everything
Before I'd separate myself from you
After so much suffering
I finally found unvarnished truth

DWIGHT: Kevin, do you want more Sprite?
ME: Huh?

And then--

WES: Sprite? Do you want more?
ME: Oh, um, no actually. I think I should be going. I have an early day tomorrow.
WES: All right. Well, I'll walk you down.
ME: Okay.

Thank God I found you
I was lost without you
My every wish and every dream
Somehow became reality

Once we reached my car outside, Wes gave me a hug and then took a step back from me.

WES: You seem like you're going through some rough stuff, Kev.
ME: Not rough, really. Just...Wes, do you ever worry about being alone?
WES: I wish I could say 'Yes,' but I have my friends, my family--
ME: I know, but...At night, right before you go to sleep--do you ever turn over and just wish someone was there. Someone you could look at and kiss on the forehead? Someone willing to be the bookends to your day?
WES: I think everyone wishes for that.
ME: I just wonder if I'm going about finding it the right way.
WES: You know the best way to get someone to sleep next to you?
ME: What?
WES: Offer to take them out on a second date.

I laughed.

ME: You're kind of a ho-bag, ain't ya?
WES: Mmm, just make sure you're a little more present the next time around, okay?
ME: Deal.

I got in my car and began the drive home alone with my thoughts.

FRIEND: You have officially skated over in Crazy Town.
ME: There's nothing crazy about wondering what might have been.
FRIEND: When you got figments of your imagination serenading you with Mariah and Joe, you're crazy. End of story.
ME: I have nine more dates left. Nine.
FRIEND: So make 'em count instead of bitching about how many of them there are.
ME: First I need to straighten out a problem in my past.
FRIEND: Don't even tell me you're finally going to come out to your grandparents, because that is one very special entry I don't need to be a part of, okay?
ME: Don't worry. It's a little more complicated than that.

When I got home I had to do a little digging to find the phone number I wanted, but once I did, it still took me two hours to muster up the courage to make the call.

ME: Hi Allan, this is Kevin Broccoli...

Kevin, sweetie, you can only date for so long before it all just seems so...pointless.

...I believe we have some things to talk about.