Date #90: Kind and Direct

So here's something I will never understand.

Your friend is about to make a huge mistake. Perhaps even colossal. And what do you say?

That's great! I'm so happy for you! Everything's going to turn out just the way you want it to!

I know, it looks dumb to me, too.

Perhaps I should put it in some context.

I went out on a date with a guy named Henry. The date was an absolutely trainwreck. A travesty. A Bratz! feature length film--you get the idea.

We had barely anything to talk about at all. He was awkward, made horrendous jokes, and seemed to only want to talk about his past relationships.

After I got home, I went online and found that he had already IMed me to say what a great time he had. Perfect, I thought, now I can't even get away with not calling him because he knows it was just as much of a disaster as I do--he thinks we had a great time.

I was about to message him a long explanation of all the reasons we shouldn't try going out on a date again--actually, the list didn't need to be that long--when I noticed he had a link in his profile to his livejournal account. I clicked on it.

For those of you not up to date with livejournal, it's one of those things you're semi-embarrassed to be a part of yet you check it constantly and update whenever you're bored. I think of it as a nice way to keep in touch with people--but mostly I read it and think--

Are these people crazy?

Henry was no exception. As a matter of fact, Henry had a very clear problem as far as I could discern from his livejournal--he was into making the same mistakes over and over again, particularly with guys.

(Keep in mind when you're reading these that this guy in his mid-twenties; I have not started dating pre-teens.)

Hey Everybody,

I just met this awesome guy and we're going to be so happy together, I can already tell. He's supercute and sooo sweet to me!!! Can't wait for all of you to meet him ;o)

Henry

Hey Everybody,

Things with that guy didn't work out. I feel like I'm so ugly and dumb. Booo!!! I hate myself right now. Why do I screw everything up? I think I might have called him too much, but I just liked him so much, ya know? Oh well. Maybe I'll never be happy.

Herny

Hi Hi Hi!

This amazing guy came into where I work today and gave me his number! I am going crazy because I want to call him so bad but I think maybe I should wait until tomorrow. I don't know what to do! Help you guys!!! Hahaha Just kidding. I already called him a couple times and we're going to hang out soon. He's so cute!

Henry

I hate my life so much right now. That guy hasn't returned my calls. I guess some things are too good to be true.

Henry

Yo what's up homeboys and girls? Hahaha--cause I'm so ghetto right?

Met the man of my dreams today. For real, this guy is THE ONE!!! We both like a lot of the same stuff, and I know that it's only been a few days since Tyson stopped calling me, but I really think the best for me is get right back on the horse. You can't turn down love, ya know?

Henry

I should just kill myself.

Henry

It goes on and on like this for a good--oh, I'd say as long as he's had this journal. What scares me isn't what he writes--it's a livejournal, you're allowed to be emotional, and stupid, and whatever as much as you want. What scares me is that there are clear self-destructive patterns going on in this kid's life, and what do his friends have to say about it?

COMMENT: Henry! I love you so much! I'm so happy for you! I'm sure this guy is perfect and you two are going to be so cute together. Can't wait to meet him!

COMMENT: Henry, that guy is just an asshole. You deserve so much better! Forget him. So what if you called too much? He's going to stop talking to you because you care??? That's crazy.

COMMENT: Henry, you are the sweetest guy I know! You'll find love.

COMMENT: Henry, this guys sounds like he's the real deal. Good job, kiddo!

COMMENT: Poor baby! Why are guys such jerks?

ME: Are these guys absolutely crazy?
BRIAN: Don't ask me if people who actually use a livejournal are crazy, because you know what my answer will be.

I was kvetching with Brian at the N.C. I just wanted to know if these people were being good, helpful friends by encouraging this guy's delusions, or if they would be better friends by just telling him to give himself a breather in between each awful date and learn how to actually talk to people.

BRIAN: You can tell you were raised in an Italian household.
ME: How?
BRIAN: Because you equate love with yelling at someone.
ME: So you think they're right?
BRIAN: I think they're trying to be supportive.
ME: And you don't think they're enabling him?
BRIAN: How is this enabling?
ME: Because support is only support if it helps you to a better place. He's not getting anywhere by having all these people feed him this bullshit.
BRIAN: Kevin, I realize you have no tolerance for social civility--
ME: Brian--
BRIAN: --But some people survive on it. Hopefully this kid has a friend who does tell him the honest truth when he screws up, that's what you are to me.

That was actually very sweet of him to say, I thought. I decided to end my rant and move on to more important topics.

ME: So, about the barbeque--
BRIAN: Nope.
ME: Nope?
BRIAN: Nope.
ME: Nope what?
BRIAN: No, I am not going to tell you who hooked up at the party.
ME: Why not?
BRIAN: Because they asked us all not to.
ME: Asked who all not to?
BRIAN: The two people who...got together...asked all of us not to tell you.
ME: Why not?
BRIAN: Because of the unending support they believe you'd give them if you found out.

Are you f**king kidding me?

ME: Are you one of these two people?
BRIAN: If I was, I wouldn't tell you.
ME: How can you all feel that way?
BRIAN: Kevin, you're not exactly--
ME: I know, I can be judgey, but I'm getting better at that. Besides, if you're not ashamed--
BRIAN: Don't give me that 'if you're not ashamed of what you've done' speech. Just because someone's not ashamed that they did something doesn't mean they want to hear anything about it after the fact.
ME: Terrific. What if I promise not to say anything?
BRIAN: You'll say it with your eyes.
ME: So now I'm a flamenco dancer?
BRIAN: What?
ME: They say things with their--never mind.

I would have just let it drop there, but you, my readers, have a right to know who hooked up. So I did what I did--for you.

...Yeah, let's go with that.

ME: Hi Turner, what's--
TURNER: I'm not telling you.

ME: Dwight, it's me and I--
DWIGHT: Forget it, Kevin.

ME: Nick, I was just wondering--
NICK: Nice try, Broccoli.

ME: Scooter, I'll--
SCOOTER: Ashton Kutcher?
ME: Good night, Scooter.

Well, so much for that.

To make things even better, I got a second date request from Henry.

I decided to try and help the guy out--in a sensitive, supportive, yet helpful manner.

I told him that I would not like to go out on a second date, but would it be okay if we just went and got coffee as friends? He said sure, but I could tell he was a little upset by my conditions.

We went to a little coffee place on the east side and had a talk, and I tried to be as honest and yet, as kind, as possible.

ME: Henry, you're a good guy.
(What? He is a good guy. We all have problems.)
HENRY: If I'm a good guy, then why didn't you want to have a second date?
ME: Honestly, I just don't think we click. It's not anything that's the matter with you, it's something that's just there or it isn't, and it's nobody's fault if it isn't.
(After all, everybody loves somebody sometime, right?)
HENRY: This happens to me all the time.
ME: I know.
HENRY: You know?
ME: I read your livejournal.
HENRY: Oh...
ME: I'm sorry if that was an invasion of your privacy or anything.
HENRY: No, it's cool. Now you can see what I mean.
ME: Henry, I think I might be able to offer a little help.
HENRY: Really?
ME: Yeah, see...I think maybe you need to give yourself some time in between meeting guys.
HENRY: I don't really...what do you mean?
ME: Well, you jump from one date to the next and you don't really learn anything so you end up making the same mistakes over and over again. You get too clingy, you set your hopes too high, you don't really click with any of these guys but you're just so happy to have someone that you force it.

Henry looked like he was digesting all of this. That's good, I wanted to say. Digest, Henry, digest.

ME: The only reason I'm saying this is because I used to be just like you. I hated dating, and I couldn't understand why. I mean, even bad dates are supposed to be fun on some level--maybe humorous, but even the good ones weren't anything all that special. And then I started this...project...and I learned that what was missing was that I wasn't trying to take anything from the dates I was going on. I was just bouncing from guy to guy--not literally, I'm not a skank--but I guess what I'm trying to say is, give yourself some time to figure out what it is you want, and then you won't go after guys who don't see you for how great you are.

Henry nodded, and then asked the million dollar question.

HENRY: Okay, but--if you learn something from each date you go on...what did you learn from your date with me?

Oh Christ...

Nice monologue, Kevin--guess you forgot that you have to--Oh...

ME: I learned that everybody deserves to know why something didn't work out. The guys who didn't call you back are assholes, Henry. Nobody deserves to just be cut off like that. We're all supposed to be nice to each other and help each other out when we can. I know that makes me sound like a hippie but--
HENRY: It's okay, I like hippies.
ME: Oh...good.

We finished the rest of our coffee in relative silence, but I could tell Henry felt a little bit better that I had talked to him.

Later on that night, after a little detour, I would arrive home and check livejournal just to find that Henry had made a post shortly after he got home.

Hey Everybody

I hung out with Kevin again tonight. He says that he's not interested and that there's nothing between us, but I mean, why would he ask me out again if that was the case? Am I being crazy?

Henry

COMMENT: No way, Henry. If he asked you out, he definitely is just fighting his feelings!

Good to know, I made a lasting impact.

FRIEND: You should have posted a comment of your own. Get on medication--fast!
ME: The goal was to be kind and direct.
FRIEND: The two can't co-exist. Someone either gets hurt or they get mislead. You have to pick which one.
ME: I'd like to think I have a tougher skin than most, but when I was talking to Henry tonight, and I saw how upset he was that yet another guy hadn't worked out--
FRIEND: It reminded you that we're now ten dates away from the finale and you're still up sexless creek on a yacht with no boat boys?
ME: Something like that.
FRIEND: But remember what you said to him, what's important is figuring out what you want.
ME: Yeah, and it sounded good at the time, but now I wonder--do I know what I want?

On my way back home, I decided to call Turner and see if he wanted to hang out for a little bit. I needed some down time after my big talk with Henry. He answered, but only for a second. Then I heard--

VOICE: Just call him back later, I want you to--
TURNER: Ssshh!

And then the call got cut off.

I upped my speed to Turner's apartment, and when I got there I saw a car out front. Unfortunately, I'm awful with remembering what it is people drive, but I was almost positive it didn't belong to Nick, Dwight, Brian or Scooter.

This might not have been the best idea, but I walked right up to Turner's floor and knocked on his door.

I heard noises coming from inside, then the door opened.

TURNER: Hey Kev.
ME: I realize that this is none of my business, but--
TURNER: No, it's okay. You're bound to find out eventually anyway.

He opened the door a little wider and let me see who was in his kitchen making dinner.

ME: Oh...

Hey Kev, you hungry?