Date #97: My Top Five Dates

Before the blog, my number five best date of all time would have been my date on the beach with Jason almost two years ago. At that point, I had pretty much given up on meeting anyone. My year-and-a-half long, on-again/off-again relationship with my boyfriend at the time had ended bitterly--so bitterly in fact that to this day we don't talk very much, which is very unusual for me. I was a cynical mess due to a few run-ins with gays with baggage and emotional issues for days and the fact that none of them wanted me playing in their clubhouse, so to speak. Basically, I was unwanted even by people I was looking down upon, which is not a nice place to be in, let me tell you. Then came Jason. He was a sophomore in college and I was going into my senior year. He was attending U.R.I., which meant an excuse to go down near Narragansett a couple times in August (not a bad place to end the summer) and on our third date--the date where we officially became "something"--we bit the cliched bullet and just went to the beach. Sitting there with my head in his lap looking out onto the waves, I remember saying that I didn't think this was going to happen. When he asked me what "this" was, I told him that "this" was a lot of things: Serenity, romance, comfort, security, and a connection with someone else on a beach at the end of what had become a semi-regretful summer seemingly making the whole thing worthwhile. "This" was a person to call and talk to about my day. "This" was a new start as my college career was ending, sending me into the black hole known as...the future. "This" was a boy who wanted me in his clubhouse, who banished my cynicism while he was stroking my hair and watching the waves with me. "This" was perfection. A few weeks later, Jason broke up with me. Looking back, it's clear that Jason was one of those people who has brief, intense relationships with guys and then grows tired of them, or rather, their intensity. He seemed to be a very troubled guy, and even now when I think back on that night on the beach, I don't regret it like I regret the rest of that summer, only because I know that in that moment, he really didn't want to be anywhere else--and neither did I. We both moved on after that, but in that moment, we were simply with each other, and it felt wonderful.

And now, on another beach...

ME: Are you out of your mind?!?
BRIAN: What are you talking about?

I jumped up and started walking down the beach trying to pretend that one of my best friends didn't just kiss me and make my life that much more complicated.

Brian was trailing behind me trying to have a conversation like the kind you see in Hugh Grant/Random Adorable Actress movies. The pan-shot argument, I call it.

BRIAN: I will not have the pan-shot argument with you, Kevin. I am not Hugh Grant, and you are not Kate Beckinsdale.

I pivoted right into his face.

BRIAN: Ouch!
ME: See? This is why you should not have kissed me!
BRIAN: Because you're spontaneously abusive?
ME: No! Because you know about the pan-shot phrase and how to use it correctly! You know too much! You're my friend!
BRIAN: Sometimes friends become more.
ME: And then they become less! You know that.
BRIAN: Can I at least explain myself?
ME: I know what explanation you're going to give! You've never been attracted to me in the slightest and all of a sudden you're kissing me, which means you're nervous because--
BRIAN: --Because my best friend has gone on almost 100 dates and still can't find a decent guy, and I'm a much bigger asshole than he is, so what hope is there for me?

All right, admittedly, that wasn't where I thought he was going with that.

BRIAN: We just...You and I...I mean, we're not meant for each other, that's pretty clear, but we are really good together. We know each other inside and out. We make each other laugh. We have conversations. I mean, I don't have conversations with anyone.
ME: So what? The next obvious step is invisible marriage?
BRIAN: I'm just saying, why--when you and I have the healthiest relationship of anyone we know--why not give it a shot?

I was going to reference the episode of Clarissa Explains It All when Clarissa tried dating Sam and how awkward that was, but if Brian didn't watch the show, then the whole thing would take too long to explain.

Wait a minute, everybody watched that show!

ME: We'd be like Clarissa and Sam!
BRIAN: Shut up. We would not be like that.
ME: Like when Zach had to kiss Jessie in the school play.
BRIAN: We are not sitcom characters! We are real people!
ME: If you want to be a real person, then act like one! A real person wouldn't decide to call it quits on finding love at the age of 22, Brian! I know I'm not going to. The fact that I haven't found someone yet isn't scaring me, so there's no reason it should scare you. We're young. We're energetic. We're still capable of having sex without help! And as long as that's the case, there's still hope. And who knows? There might even be hope after that.

Wow, usually the rants come way later in the entry.

My top four date is a little...unconventional. A little disclaimer for you. This guy was only my second actual date. Don't get me wrong. I had a week-long boyfriend in high school, but we never actually went out anywhere, and my first year at college offered no opportunities for dating, believe it or not, so I only ended up going out on a date with one guy who proceeded to never call me again--and he was someone my friends set me up with--apparently this guy didn't know you're not supposed to randomly stop talking to someone when you have mutual friends--go figure.

So the summer after my first year in college, I was determined to meet someone. I wasn't going to stop at anything--even if it meant doing what I never did back then...go to a club. I ended up meeting this guy Rick, and he took me on my second-ever date, and it went really well...but that's not the top four date. The top four date would be me and Rick's fifth date. The fourth date had ended in us making out for a solid hour in the front seat of his car in front of a Barnes and Noble. His car, I should mention, didn't have air conditioning, so that by the time we stopped being all over each other, we were covered in our own sweat--how sweet, right? This was the case because both of us were living at home with our families for the summer, and we didn't have anywhere private to go, so we refrained from any physical contact until we exploded that afternoon while mothers with children browsed the summer reading section at the B&N.

On the fifth date, Rick picked me up, took me out to a movie and dinner, and then told me he had a surprise for me. Don't assume that because Rick was living with his parents he was one of those post-college losers (see: yours truly) who can't get a job. He was in the process of buying a house after getting a degree in engineering. Point being: He was rolling in dough from a lucrative job he'd held for a few months, and he decided to splurge a little.

That "splurge" ended up being a huge hotel room in the Westin where we spent the next twelve hours.

Now, I know you're thinking, Wow, how trashy that your top four date makes the cut because of a half-day f**kfest--but that's where you're wrong. Remember, I'd never dated anyone before seriously, which meant I'd never been intimate like this with anyone before either. This was the first time someone actually got to see me naked for a prolonged period of time. This was pillow talk and room service and talking for an hour only to wind up kissing and then...Well, you get the picture.

The point is...it was the moment I stopped being that gay kid from high school who still giggled after he kissed a boy and who was still really uncomfortable just being who he was. After that dinner, that movie, and those eleven hours, I was all grown up.

SCOOTER: You are such a skank.

Meanwhile, I'm defending myself in a place where I should have home field advantage.

NICK: This little restaurant is pretty swank, Kev.
ME: It's a cafe.

Nordstrom's Cafe to be exact. I had taken Nick, Turner, and Scooter there to get their opinion on what I should do about Brian and my dwindling number of dates left.

SCOOTER: Skanky McSkank Pants.
ME: I didn't kiss Brian. He kissed me.
NICK: Well who hasn't kissed you at this point?
ME: Oh yeah, because I'm so desirable. I exude lust.
SCOOTER: I wouldn't go that far. I mean, I'd get freaky with you again but--
TURNER: Get freaky?
ME: Let's just forget about Brian for now. Let's just forget boys all together.

Things were not going well with my other two up-to-now-looking-good potentials.

TURNER: Did you try talking to Jesse?
ME: About him sleeping with the Devil, yes, I called.
TURNER: I hope you were a little less judgmental than that.
ME: I'm sorry, but we're talking about my mortal enemy here!
NICK: Kevin, you're not Hee-Man. You shouldn't have a mortal enemy.
SCOOTER: Besides, you slept me. I don't think you can play the moral compass card, anymore.
ME: Lovely of you to point that out.

The truth is, I had called and apologized to Jesse, and he accepted, but I still didn't feel right about the whole thing. I could get past the fact that he had slept with Allan. After all, as Scooter pointed out, I'd done worse--pardon the pun. The thing was now it felt like our pasts were all tangled up in each other. Somehow everything just seemed tainted now.

NICK: What about Charlie? Have you made up with him yet?
ME: He was the one being a jerk.
NICK: He only pointed out that you do tend to make things about you.
ME: He said he couldn't wait to get away from everything! That includes me! Or at least it sounded like it.
TURNER: Kevin, you have to remember, you're not in a relationship with him. You can only have so much of a say in terms of how much what he says affects you.
SCOOTER: Unless you care about him so much that in can't help but affect you in which case you might want to also admit that you lo--
ME: Finish that sentence and I'll post the size of Scooter Jr. on myspace.
SCOOTER: Go right ahead.
ME: And I'll lie.
SCOOTER: I'm shushing.

Charlie had actually apologized for what he said, but he also confirmed what Turner said--and admitted that right now he just wanted to look out for himself and not have to worry about anybody else, which meant there could be give and take, but there didn't have to be.

So where does that leave me?

ME: It leaves me with three dates to go and no potential boyfriends.
SCOOTER: Wow, you went from two to none. That sucks.
ME: I'm amazed you don't counsel people for a living.
TURNER: It's just like anything else, Kevin. There are highs and lows in life.
NICK: You're just hitting your low at a really bad time.
ME: Well, I do have a date tonight. Maybe that'll turn out to be something.
NICK: Even if it isn't, try really hard to make it something because you're running out of dates.

They then took turns pitching spin-off ideas to me. How does this sound:

Turner and Nick go to New York and open a bakery where crazy hijinks take place as they bake and date in the big city!

Yeah, I might pass on that and let it land on the CW.

My top three date was a set-up by a girl I barely knew at the time. It was one of those "You're gay and my friend's gay so you two would love each other!" type of things, but at the time I was in such a drought I didn't even care.

I met Matt at the Outback--make jokes if you will, but he suggested it. When I got there I found an incredibly hot guy in the waiting area and I thought, Oh, that couldn't possibly be him. No way am I that lucky. So I just stood there until clearly nobody else was coming, so either I had just been stood up or this adorable guy who happened to be just my type was my date.

He saw me, but he also seemed to shy to say anything. So we both just stood there looking around for two other people when we knew we were just looking for each other (ironically, this became the underlying metaphor for our up-and-down relationship/friendship/whatever you want to call it).

Finally I broke down and--didn't say hello--but did something to put him on the spot. I faked a vibrating call on my cell phone and answered with "Hi, this is Kevin. Um, no, I don't know who might have placed that order. I don't want any magazines. Thanks." When I got off the phone he just laughed at me--the most beautiful laugh I had ever heard, and introduced himself.

This was going to be a late-afternoon type date, but it ended up being a till 2am in the morning "riding around the state just so that we wouldn't have to say good-bye to each other" date. I never felt so calm with anyone, which is weird because Matt was off the wall. He was energetic, fast-moving, well-humored (giggly is probably a better term for it), and honestly, really broken in a lot of ways. I saw him and thought, Great! I can be the guy who helps. Who fixes things. I can be his knight in shining armor.

And whenever you think that, you're already in trouble. Matt ended up coming in and out of my life sporadically until the day he just disappeared. He moved once, twice, and then again with no forwarding address and no way to get a hold of him. By that point we were only talking once in awhile anyway, but I was still really dented by the whole thing. (Notice how I say "dented" and not "hurt." When you're hurt, there's an entitlement there. Somebody has done something that affected you in a hurtful way. The truth is, I had no entitlement to Matt in any way, so instead I just felt dented. I felt like someone rammed into the side of me and then drove off and I was left sitting there going, What the hell just happened?)

I still think about Matt all the time. I keep his number in my phone even though it's no longer his number. I hate the thought of not being able to talk to someone if I want to. I mean, come on, we live in a world where thanks to facebook, myspace, aim, etc. You never really have to worry about completely losing touch with someone, but with Matt that's a reality. He's never popped up on any of those handy sites and nobody seems to ever have known or cared about him except for me.

But I still remember that guy in the waiting room who had been beaten about by life and guys and family. I remember seeing him smile at me as if none of that mattered, as if I was a new chance at something. As if maybe I could be the one who unlocked that door in him that would let it be okay to get a little close, fall a little bit...And I remember that every time I go out on a date. That every guy is that chance, and that's why we all do it, why we still chase after that chance--no matter how many times we get dented.

ME: So you're...into movies?
CHRISTIAN: Not really.
ME: Books?
CHRISTIAN: Nah.
ME: PBS?
CHRISTIAN: Huh?
ME: Never mind.

My date with Christian was not how a date should go when it's Date 97. I should be good at this by now, I thought. I should be able to converse with people without lulls, without stops and starts, without us staring at each other as if we're in a staring contest!

ME: I hope you're not having as bad a time as you seem to be having.
CHRISTIAN: No, I'm probably having a worse time actually.
ME: Oh, well...okay.

So much for that wittiness I lean on in times of need.

ME: I don't want you to stay if you're having a bad time. Why don't we just get the check and call it a night?
CHRISTIAN: No!

That was enthusiastic.

CHRISTIAN: I mean--I'm sorry. I'm still getting used to this.
ME: Used to what?
CHRISTIAN: Dating--I mean, dating again. I just got out of a three-year relationship.

This is when my internal alarm would normally go off.

DANGER KEVIN BROCCOLI! DANGER!

But instead--

ME: Why don't you tell me about him?
CHRISTIAN: Aren't you never supposed to talk about past relationships on a date?
ME: Oh, I don't believe in that. What are you supposed to do? Tell me about yourself but leave out the three years you were with--um--
CHRISTIAN: Kyle.
ME: --Leave out the Kyle period? I don't think so. Besides, clearly, you're still dealing with the break-up and that's what would be easy for you to talk about, so talk about it.
CHRISTIAN: And you won't mind?
ME: Are you kidding? I love hearing about break-ups. Break-ups and flash floods are my two favorite topics.

So he talked about the demise of Christian and Kyle, and I listened--only interjecting here and there to ask a question, thereby letting him know I was interested in hearing what he had to say. It seems the two of them were in a three-year relationship that should have been a one and a half-year relationship, and that when things ended it wasn't one of those fiery meltdowns, but more like a small pop and then everything that was there for all those years just...disappeared.

CHRISTIAN: ...And now I'm just taking some time to rebuild my life. This is only the second date I've been on since...since it ended. The first one was a disaster.
ME: Hopefully this one won't qualify as that.
CHRISTIAN: No, this is already way better.

We laughed at that, and then decided to go walk along the east side.

It was such a beautiful night out. We walked and talked (about more than exes after a point). It was nice to see Christian relax after awhile. It became clear after hanging out with him that the reason he was so stand-offish before was simply anxiety. He hadn't had to date for three years and now he had to learn all over again, and let's face it, he's buying in a seller's market.

By the time we had circled back to our cars, he seemed to be a completely different person from the one I started the night with--it's always nice when that happens.

CHRISTIAN: Thank you for being so sweet.
ME: No problem. It makes up for all the times I'm a jerk in my daily life.
CHRISTIAN: I'm sure those times are few and far between.

He should see me at work in the morning. Grendel would run in fear.

CHRISTIAN: I guess this is where I confess that--
ME: --Although I'm a good guy, you're not ready to jump back into something serious so soon.
CHRISTIAN: You're not mad?
ME: Mad? That I'm not the rebound guy? Nah, I'm not mad.
CHRISTIAN: Thank you. I just...

He looked down and for a second, I thought he might crumble. It's one thing to accept that you're broken up with someone, but it's another to realize that even though they're gone, they still impact your life.

CHRISTIAN: He was the best, you know?
ME: I know.
CHRISTIAN: Our first five dates were the best five dates of my life. I mean, how often can you say that about someone?
ME: Not very often.
CHRISTIAN: I know I'm still really young, but...I mean, how often do you get that lucky in life, right?
ME: I don't believe in luck. I believe in karma, fate, and laughing. If you can accept those three things, you'll be fine.
CHRISTIAN: Thanks, Oprah.
ME: Anytime.

I gave him a big hug and we said our good-byes. If nothing else, Christian had a nice night out where for a couple of hours he didn't have to do anything but talk about what he wanted to talk about and be somewhere other than home. I probably wouldn't be taking any of Kyle's slots in the Top Five, but all in all, it wasn't bad for my 97th try.

My number two date is an easy one. I was absolutely smitten for this guy the first time I ever saw him. I was at a party and when he walked by me I swore I could hear an angel choir in my head. Just as quickly I dismissed him as someone way out of my league. A little later we ended up talking by the pool, and of course, I was my usual over-the-top, bundle of nerves--and funnily enough, he seemed mildly charmed by this.

The next time I saw him he ended up going off with some other guy, and I thought, Well, that's about right. I don't wind up with guys like that. He's handsome, he's funny, he's charming--and he's not psychologically damaged. What chance did I have with a guy like that?

But then things with the other guy didn't work out, and in October, Prince Charming paid me a visit at school in Providence.

As soon as he saw me he gave me the biggest hug, and the thought flew through my mind that I could never get sick of this guy. It felt like he could tell me the same joke thousands of times for years on end and I would laugh every time. He smiled and I tried to fathom if it would be possible to be upset or have a bad day after seeing that smile. I thought about saying some of this to him, but even though he made me completely comfortable when we were together, I would still periodically stare at him and forget my own name.

We went to see The Lion King and then went out to eat at Johnny Rockets. The entire time it was like being at the best party you've ever been at in your life, except it's just you and someone else.

By the time he left to go home, I knew that nothing more was ever going to come of the date--if it even was a date (I know, probably should have thought of that before I put it in the top five) but for night things that never seemed tangible to me became completely real, and for once I thought, Maybe I actually do deserve to have nights like this with boys like that. Maybe that was possible.

BRIAN: It's not easy for me to say this.
ME: You're going to admit that Boy Meets World was the best television show ever made?
BRIAN: That--and I was wrong.

Brian and I were at his place watching Hey Paula. After watching that woman self-destruct for an hour, none of our problems seemed all that bad.

BRIAN: I'm just tired of either being single or being with a loser.
ME: Connor wasn't really a loser.
BRIAN: Are you just saying that because you dated him first?
ME: Yes, that's pretty much the only reason I'm saying it.
BRIAN: So no more kissing?
ME: Hey, you kissed me.
BRIAN: You did the lingering stare.
ME: You did the lean-in AND the follow-through.
BRIAN: The lingering stare is like you're begging for it.
ME: I wasn't lingering! I was wondering why you were leaning in!
BRIAN: I did not lean in before the stare! I would never lean in until I got clearance you lean in.
ME: You don't get clearance to lean in! Leaning in is you putting yourself out on a limb. The follow-through you need clearance for.
BRIAN: And you gave me clearance.
ME: I never gave you clearance!
BRIAN: You didn't do the lean back!
ME: I didn't know what you were doing!
BRIAN: You didn't recognize the lean in?
ME: I did, but then I went into shock!

Ah, it's so good to have things back to normal.

The best date of my life beats out number two simply because it offered that chance of something more--something beyond the date itself.

If you want to know how sweet he is, let's start with the fact that he didn't go on a trip because he decided he'd rather meet up with me instead. Right there I might have been won over if I wasn't in such a low place emotionally. It was my last semester of college and I had no idea what was going to happen after it was all over. All I knew was that life was about to change dramatically and I wasn't ready for it. As a result, I had become frantic, moody, and catty all at the same time.

Then I saw him from across the street. It was as simple as that.

We had a nice dinner with a conversation that grew from being "getting to know you" to "I want to know everything about you." When we left the restaurant, we started walking around the Brown campus. We were still on the edge of something, but I didn't know what, or I did know, but I didn't know if I was right about it or not. Then he leaned into my side a little--in an affectionate, trusting way (I know, but you actually can tell that much from a little lean)--and I just knew.

From that moment on, it was so easy.

We sat at the steps of the chapel and kissed and talked and laughed and talked about what the hell we were supposed to do since we were instantly crazy about each other and yet both practical enough to realize that it wasn't practical to be instantly crazy about anybody especially since we were both going to be graduating in a few months and going through God-knows-what kind of life changes.

But then another part of us didn't care. I wanted to be with him and he wanted to be with me, and it was cold out, and he had on this adorable scarf, and I felt like someone sent him to me. I don't always know if I believe in divine intervention, especially when it comes to gay guys, but I didn't believe I just "met" him. I believe somehow someone somewhere in the universe knew I needed him and sent him to me.

We were together until he graduated. An attempt was made at the long-distance thing, but that never works out. I was so sad when he left. It felt like being more than left. It felt like left behind. Like he was going to be moving on to bigger and better things, and I was going to be staying in my own tiny state for however long waiting for another spark of divine intervention.

I was so depressed about it that I wondered if I'd ever be able to date again. So I did something about it.

I started a blog.

Because sometimes you have to make your own spark...

FRIEND: Somehow I knew you were going to tie this all in to being a flamer.
ME: What would be your top five dates?
FRIEND: That would be rough.
ME: Top five hookups?
FRIEND: Honey, my hookups are like the 60's: If I remember them, I probably wasn't there.
ME: Anybody stick out in your mind at all as having impacted your life?
FRIEND: My first bartender.
ME: Moreso than your first time.
FRIEND: My first bartender was--
ME: Ohhh--Well, that explains a lot.

Three dates left.

That means it's time to make that spark again.

Except this time it might be time to start thinking outside the box...

...And by box I mean, the tiny little state...