Date #96: Drama

With five dates to go, I realize that I haven't even dated the one type of guy I've always wanted to try dating:

The Theater Guy.

BRIAN: That's a huge mistake.
ME: Why?

Brian and I were seated in the deserted N.C. Come July, everyone in Providence skips town and--although it becomes way easier to get a parking spot--it makes you feel like you're visiting a ghost town.

BRIAN: We need to get out of this city. Let's go up to the beach house this weekend.
ME: Okay. Want me to tell the boys?
BRIAN: How about we make it just you and me? I can't handle the boys right now. It's too hot out for drama.
ME: The boys aren't drama.
BRIAN: Please, Kevin. You know I adore them, but Scooter's always trying to hook up or talking about his hookups--
ME: You dated him.
BRIAN: Don't remind me. Turner's all into Paye now, Nick is constantly getting back together with Christopher, and Dwight's in love with you. Can't I just have one-on-one time with you for a day and a half?

I was actually really touched. Aside from these lunches, Brian and I never really hang out with just each other. Maybe it was a good idea.

ME: Sure. I have a date Saturday night with theater boy, but right after that I'll drive down to Narragansett.
BRIAN: So you're going to go through with this?
ME: Brian, he likes theater. How bad can it be?

On an ordinary...SUNDAY!
SUNDAY!
SUNDAY!

I probably should have seen this coming. I was riding in Jerome's car while he blasted Billy Porter at Joe's Pub and sang along at the top of his lungs. Normally I can't get enough of Billy and the Broadway Inspirational Voices belting "Sunday" from Sunday in the Park with George, but Jerome had found a way to kill that joy.

The night started off at Jerome's house. I picked him up at seven thirty, but he wasn't ready, so he had me sit in his room while he changed--right in front of me.

JEROME: Some people are sooo ashamed of their body, but I'm totally not. Look at this--

He smacked--literally, smacked--his stomach, which I will grant you, was fairly flat.

JEROME: --Do I have anything to be ashamed of?
ME: You certainly don't.

It was then that he dropped his pants.

JEROME: I was in Hair in college. Totally okay with onstage nudity.
ME: Good to know.

Had we been anywhere near a stage.

JEROME: Don't you love all my show posters?

His room was wallpapered with Broadway musical posters that dated back to what seemed to be--oh, if I had to guess--the original production of No, No Nanette!

JEROME: I met Raul outside the stage door of Chitty Chitty. He totally eye-fucked me.
ME: He what?
JEROME: And Michael Arden--please. Don't get me started. I went to see that travesty Times They Are A-Changin' just cause I heard he was a slut and I thought if he saw me--I mean, come on. He wouldn't even really need to be a slut.
ME: But it couldn't hurt.
JEROME: And he walks right by me. I was like--Fuck you, Mr. My-Show-Closed-In-Eight-Days.
ME: I think it was more than--
JEROME: Oh my God! Amazingly funny Gavin Creel story.

He went on like this for another hour. It was like The American Musical except no Julie Andrews and way gayer.

We then went to the restaurant. It was a place he recommended that ended up being more of a piano bar than anything else.

As Jerome droned on and someone started in on "Marry Me a Little" I thought about my last conversations with Charlie and Jesse.

Things were going incredibly well with both guys until they--Well, until they seemed to not be going well.

With Jesse, it was a revelation.

ME: ...I mean, back then, if you slept with Allan, you were ostracized. He may have been the leader of the pack, but the one thing he never had on any of us was that we wouldn't have touched him with a ten foot pole. He knew it and we knew it.
JESSE: God, good thing I didn't know you back then I guess.
ME: Um, why?
JESSE: Well, I've fooled around with Allan a couple of times.
ME: You...you what?
JESSE: Yeah, when we first met. I thought he was a cool guy, I mean--

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

ME: Are you serious right now?
JESSE: Um, do I detect a tone of judgment in your voice?
ME: I'm sorry, it's just--if you knew what that meant--I mean...
JESSE: So you're proud of everyone you've ever slept with?
ME: Are you kidding? I don't even remember most of them.

That was a joke, by the way. Before y'all start hitting the Slut button.

ME: I just--he's like a pariah.
JESSE: Now I know that but at the time I didn't. Is it really such a big deal?

The thing is...it kind of is. Okay, ready? I know I'm being really unfair about this, because you shouldn't hold someone's past against them, but I feel like Jesse just told me he slept with a serial killer, or a puppy kicker. How could anyone ever have seen anything in Allan? And how could that person then turn around and see the same thing in me?

It freaked me out.

And then came Charlie.

ME: So what are your plans for this week?
CHARLIE: I'm thinking of going to New York.
ME: Really? That's cool.
CHARLIE: Yeah, I need to get out of this town. Providence is not for me right now. I just need to get away from everything.

Now, let me explain myself before I tell you what happened next. My whole life people have bashed RI to me.

I hate this state.
I need to get out of here.
This place sucks.
I can't wait to leave.

And I always take a personal offense to it, because...well...I'm here, aren't I? And I've spent a lot of time with Charlie lately, so when he says he needs to get away from "everything" I assume he also means--

ME: You want to get away from me too?

In retrospect I can see how this would sound self-absorbed, but it just came out, and really, if you can't put your foot in your mouth with the guy you're meant to be with than who can you--

CHARLIE: God, why does everything have to be about you?

It's funny how the things that are somewhat true always hurt worse.

So that's where I stood. Jesse was mad because I got judge-y with him and Charlie was mad because I make everything about me. Part of me thought maybe I deserved to be here at this piano bar listening to my date sing--

JEROME:

You need someone
Older and wiser
Telling you what to do

It was when I realized that he was doing "You Are 16, Going on 17" by himself that I realized I needed to cut this date short.

After dropping Jerome off at his house, I made my way down to the beach house. The only problem was that now I was in a Broadway mood. I decided to go balls to the wall and put in Songs From an Unmade Bed.

In my head, I could see all the boys--every last one of them--in tuxedos. Walking down a giant staircase and singing in some giant production number with me at the top of the staircase looking like Carol Channing. Then a spotlight hits and I'm all by myself. I realize that I'm alone, and that's when the music creeps in...

I happened by your old apartment last night

When I showed up at the beach house, Brian was just about to head out for a walk.

ME: Terrific. That's just what I need.

My phone had gone off twice while I was driving down--one from Jesse, one from Charlie. The truth is, I was wondering if maybe the reason I'm on Date #96 and still haven't found anyone is because of...me.

FRIEND: Oh f**k, you're getting philosophical.
ME: All these guys couldn't have been awful.
FRIEND: Most of them were awful, though.
ME: And I'm some prize? I mean, you know me--
FRIEND: Honey, I will never call you a prize.
ME: So why even bother? Why subject someone to the horror that is me?
FRIEND: When you're done wallowing I'll tell you, whore.
ME: Okay, go.
FRIEND: It's because you, like everyone else, is worth a little bit of happiness once in awhile.
ME: That's all you got?
FRIEND: You're lucky you called me before I got any drunker. Come 2am, the sympathy train gets docked in the station. So go walk it off on the beach and shut the f**k up.
ME: Thanks, drunkie.
FRIEND: Anytime.

Brian and I sat on the sand and watched the waves come in like two characters in a Lifetime movie.

ME: So you ever think I'm going to find him? That perfect guy?
BRIAN: I think you have as good a shot as any of us.
ME: I don't think he'll really need to be perfect. He'll just...I don't know...He'll make me feel perfect.
BRIAN: That's a pretty tall order.
ME: He'll do it and he won't even have to try. That's how I'll know. He'll take in all the flaws and the drama and he'll just smile and kiss me.

I expected some witty reaction from Brian, but instead he just smiled...

...and kissed me.